Russia Is Probably Hacking Your Computer Right Now – What You Can Do To Stop Them!

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UNITED STATES – 

After it was confirmed that Russia easily hacked computers in the United States to rig the 2016 elections, the FBI is warning that it’s “very likely” that Russian hackers and spies are probably in your computer right now, looking at your files.

“There are many things that you can do to protect yourself from Russian hackers,” said FBI director J. Hoover Edgar. “For one, you want to make sure you put a piece of tape of your computer’s camera. That’s just something simple that every idiot knows to do by now. Another thing you can do is to get offline completely when not using the computer. Just unplug and turn off your machine, and you should probably unplug your router, too, just to be safe.”

Edgar also recommends writing most of your documents in Aramaic, the dead language spoken by Jesus Christ and his disciples.

“It’s very hard for Russians to read Aramaic, because most people don’t know it. If you learn it now, you will have a much better chance of your files not being read by Russian hackers,” said Edgar.

According to the FBI, the one thing that can almost certainly defeat a hacker, though, is to make sure you change your passwords 10 to 15 times a day, for all of your website logins, especially banks and social media accounts.

“If you leave your password as the same thing for more than a couple of minutes, you’re basically giving full access to your life,” said Edgar. “Change your passwords multiple times a day. It really keeps the ol’ Ruskies on their toes.”

Cam Girl Kidnapped By Admirer, Escapes Homemade Dungeon

Cam Girl Kidnapped By Admirer, Escapes Homemade Dungeon

CONCORD, Massachusetts – 

Dark fantasy became reality for on-cam erotic performer Cassie Grant, who goes by Lolly Baby, when she was kidnapped from her apartment April 3rd.  Grant was able to gain her captor’s trust, by playing along with his fantasies and telling him she loved him.

“I know what men want to hear. Even sickos like him. When I found myself in his basement, Cassie was worried she was going to die. Lolly took over and went along with the disgusting things he wanted to do to me, and Cassie tuned it all out.

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“It took me a couple weeks he trusted me to come upstairs. He had me in a bathtub with all these baby toys when I got my chance to slip through a window. He took my dirty dress with him and went to find another one, so I had no clothes. Scraped myself pretty bad, but I ran through the woods like a bat out of hell.”  Cassie eventually made it to a neighbor who gave her clothes and called the police.

Real-world Cassie, told her family that she worked from home as a medical transcriptionist, when in reality she made a living as cam-presence, Lolly Baby. Twenty-two year old, Lolly specialized in “innocent role play” where she assumed the role of a submissive underage girl.  She talked to many men, who would give her “tips” to chat with them and perform sexual acts on camera.

One of her admirers took the roleplay so seriously, he managed to track her down, first finding her real Facebook account. Police say the suspect, Fred Wheeler then hired a local private investigator to find her location, claiming he was an ex-landlord, who had been stiffed.

“I thought I was safe. I never gave out my real name. I think I may have let a few details slip about my location. You say things in the heat of the moment. I don’t know. There’s definitely no way I’m going to be able to keep doing this kind of work. Lolly Baby died in there.”

Real-World Hackers Discredit Technology Used In Watch Dogs Video Game

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, Canada – empire-news-real-life-hackers-Discredit-technology-used-in-watch-dogs-video-game

Hackers around the World have been rampantly posting online about their opinions on the new Ubisoft video game “Watch Dogs,” which was released last week.  The video game is based around a fictional hacker who wanders the streets of Chicago using his cell phone to control nearly any electronic device he wishes, which he uses to gain information and help avoid cyber-terrorists.

“As a hacker, it makes me feel really lame – I could point my phone at a person, and it won’t just hack their bank account.  It’s completely absurd that this guy can do this stuff with such ease.” Said a self-proclaimed hacker who goes by the online name Lord Nikon. “The game makes it look too easy. He just scans people with his cell phone, takes their cash or their music, unlocks a car, and drives like an asshole through the city. I can’t do any of that at all. Watchdogs is totally unrealistic.”

Throughout the years, the art of hacking has been portrayed throughout movies, television, and now video games as some sort of exciting, other-worldly experience, where the hacker is always a half-step ahead of the law or other hackers, and spends their nights staring at a computer screen filled with gorgeous graphics. As hacker Cereal Killer points out to us, that isn’t generally the case.

“You know, I don’t see the big deal with this guy in the game.” Said Killer. “Even if I could just take a stroll and steal peoples stuff, walking just takes too much outta me, ya know? I like doing this stuff because I can sit here in my room, eating Bagel Bites, downloading music illegally and watching anime porn. That’s the true life of a hacker. Well, at least it’s my true life. I can’t really speak for everyone.”

Real-life hackers tend to experience extreme amounts of boredom brought on by so much waiting around, so bringing the technology developed for the fictional story in Watchdogs to life would be a silver lining for the hoards of anonymous hackers throughout the world.

“If these people could walk around while hacking the computers around them, it would greatly decrease their risks of collapse due to ennui.” Says Dr. Emmanuel Goldstein of the Chicago Memorial Hospital, cardiology division. “This concept would be the best thing to happen to cyber-crime since the invention of wireless internet!”

As technology expands, the hackers that we spoke with had mixed feelings about how great it would be to be able to commit hack the people around them like a character in a video game.

“I prefer to just relax, enjoy a Jolt cola, and watch reruns of The Outer Limits with my girlfriend AcidBurn.” Said a hacker whose online alias is ZeroCool. “I just can’t imagine why I’d want to run all over the city and get all sweaty. Hacking is an intelligent man’s game, a real-world thrill posed in an unreal world. I’ll keep playing the game, but I would never buy into that sort of technology.”

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