Women Who Don’t Shave More Likely To Die Alone, Study Finds

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A new study performed by a team of doctors located on the beaches of Miami has revealed information about hairy women.

“Sadly, these women, who we call ‘the hairy ones,’ are almost 100% more likely to die alone than a woman who cares about her appearance and shaves regularly,” said Dr. Miles Kenefic, head researcher on the project. “We surveyed over 25,000 women on the beaches of Miami over the last 5 years, and one thing they had in common was that sexy, beautiful, hairless women had men flocking over them, and dirty, disgusting, shaggy women were always alone, or with other dirty, disgusting, hairy women.”

Kenefic says that the rate of women who die alone and sad because they refused to shave their armpits, legs, upper lip, or vagina is “nearing the point of 100%” in America, and is reaching dire levels in other countries as well.

“It used to be almost a European custom that women didn’t shave. Not their legs, their armpits, or their hairy bushes,” said Kenefic. “In the 1970s, it was a similar trend here in the United States. You can tell from our historical pornography that was made and filmed during that time period. Thankfully, sometime in the mid-1980s, men realized that a woman with a shaved pudenda was far more appealing and sexy, and it quickly became commonplace for women to take care of those nasty areas.”

Dr. Kenefic says that if a woman would like to remain happy, healthy, and getting regular meat injections, she should make sure to shave at least twice a week.

“Keep it trimmed, keep it bare, keep the hair down,” said Kenefic. “If you’re under the age of 40 and you’ve got hair growing anywhere other than your head, and you’re single, you now know why. If you’re not single, you should be aware that your significant other is most definitely cheating on you at any opportunity with a woman, or women, who have no hair.”

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other’s Hair To Get High

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other's Hair To Get High

GROVER, Mississippi – 

A new trend amongst teens and young adults throughout most of the midwest has emerged, and it’s one of the weirdest ones yet. According to Hardline Magazine, a popular periodical for teens, kids in Mississippi have begun licking each other’s hair in order to get high.

From Hardline:

It was amazing to us too, but human hair is apparently a very powerful psychedelic with a great ‘body high,’ and teens have begun licking each other in record numbers.

Dr. Richard Kimble, of Floyd Memorial Hospital in Grover, Mississippi says that he’s already seen 2 teens overdose, and that he’s extremely scared that it could become an epidemic if not controlled immediately.

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“These teens, they don’t understand that even if they are getting high off licking each other’s hair, your hair contains millions and millions of microbes that can cause illness or death,” said Dr. Kimble. “Aside from just the gross things like possible lice or dandruff, there are also various bacteria that could render you completely paralyzed, comatose, or violently ill. I am warning all parents to watch for signs of your child licking hair.”

Dr. Kimble says that parents can look for swollen eyes, thick, cotton-like mouth, and also blisters on the tongue.

“I don’t even care what the doctors say, I’ve never been so fucking high in my life,” said Louis Carter, 16. “I lick my girlfriend’s hair all the time, and she licks mine. We have also experimented with licking armpit hair, and also licking pubic hair. Armpit hair didn’t get me high, but pubic hair led to some great sex. Only hair on the head will give you the trip, though.”

“If you suspect that your teen might be addicted to licking hair, please, get them help immediately. If you believe your child has been having his or her head licked, then please shave their head, while they sleep if necessary, and put a stop to this horrid drug abuse quickly.”

Prince Reveals Shocking Truth About His Hair

Prince Reveals Shocking Truth About His Hair

LOS ANGELES, California – 

The artist formerly known as “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince” has revealed the truth about his hair – and it will shock his hordes of fans. He is actually a natural blonde. Yes, you heard that correctly – Prince is a natural blonde.

“I’m not ashamed of it,” he said in an exclusive interview with Empire News. “It’s haunted me my whole life. When my momma saw I had blonde hair – and I had a big bush of it when I came into the world – she screamed in horror. She didn’t know what to do, having had a black baby with blonde hair.”

Once she came to terms with the fact that it was a genetic defect, Prince’s mother, Mattie Della, decided never to let her son out in public without having his hair dyed to a perfect black.

“Every morning she’d wash my hair in black dye, and not even I knew at first that I wasn’t a natural. She didn’t think I’d be able to take the news. But when I was five years old, she thought I’d better hear it from her, rather than waking up from a hair growth spurt and realizing I had blonde roots.”

Prince later took on the responsibility of treating his own hair.

“It simply became a part of my routine. For most kids, bathing and brushing teeth and hair is what they must do in the morning. I just had that little extra task of keeping my identity in tact.”

When he became a professional artist, he considered letting his true roots out, as his identity was already flamboyant and idiosyncratic.

“I could’ve told the world I was blonde, but I thought I’d wait until a time when I wasn’t successful – when I needed something to gain more publicity. That time never came, so I decided I might as well come out with it now. After all, my popularity has peaked and stabilized. I’ll never need to resort to stunts.”

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