Steven Spielberg Announces 5th ‘Indiana Jones’ Film Titled ‘Search For The Medicaid’

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Harrison Ford has just signed on for the 5th, and perhaps final, installment in the original Indiana Jones series, according to producer and director Steven Spielberg. Spielberg, who is a spry 69-years-old, will direct Ford in the outing, slated for release in 2019. Ford will be a wrinkled 76-years-old upon the film’s release.

“I know I can’t do these forever, and if it wasn’t Steven making it again, I wouldn’t be bothered,” said Ford. “They tell me that this film is about Jones’ search for his missing Medicaid card. Sounds about right to me. At my age, I’m just not as limber and mobile as I used to be. Should be a really exciting adventure.”

“We’re going to be visiting some amazing locales in this movie, including Jones’ bathroom, his bedroom, and the living room couch, as he searches for his insurance card,” said Spielberg. “This is going to be the most action-packed film that a nearly 80-year-old man could ever hope to star in.”

The movie, being produced by LucasFilms, will be a summer tent-pole, as fans are just about as eager for the film as can be expected for a series this beloved.

“I mean yeah, I guess I’ll see it eventually,” said Roger Joy, 38. “I grew up with the originals. Crystal Skull kind of sucked, but as long as Harrison Ford doesn’t have to interact with the walking mannequin that is Shia LeBeouf in this one, it will be okay. I’ll at least catch it on Netflix.”

Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

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“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

Harrison Ford Fails At Badass Death Attempt

Harrison Ford Fails At Badass Death Attempt

SANTA MONICA, California – 

Harrison Ford has once again narrowly failed at carrying out a badass finale to his life. Ford crashed his World War II-era plane into a golf course last week, and is apparently “lucky to be alive.”

“It’s remarkable, really. Almost like one of his movies,” said expert Tarry Lupone. “Things were shaky from the takeoff, when he realized his plane – over half a century old, remember – was having problems. He turned back, contacting the airport to clear a runway for an emergency landing. Then he crashed anyway before he reached it. How did he survive? That plot point must have been written in by someone unaware of the badassery of that sort of death.”

Ford’s family have expressed their happiness at his well being, but admitted their empathy for the disappointment he must feel at having failed at living out the fairy-tale ending.

“Harry’s really down,” said wife, Calista Flockhart. “I’m glad to still have him in my life, but I promised when I married him to support his dreams, no matter what difficulties. This has been a lifelong dream, and to see it fall apart again – at the last minute – is hard for all of us.”

Son Liam expressed similar sentiments.

“I love daddy,” said the toddler. “I also love his work, and I want his career to play out in the way it’s supposed to. It’s the sign of a great man to get up and try to die again after numerous failures. I hope daddy dies soon, in a badass way of his choosing. It’ll be something to brag to my friends about.”

Fans, however, have other concerns about the actor dying “too soon,” especially when there are films being greenlit that need Ford’s star-power or involvement to work.

“There’s still Blade Runner II yet to be made! And what about the upcoming Star Wars films?” said blogger Kate Redman. “I understand and support what he wants, but it’s selfish to rush it. He’s still got a few good years ahead of him, in which he’ll have loads of opportunities to die in an even more badass ways.”

Ford says that in the end, he might just get inside of a lead-lined refrigerator and have a nuclear bomb dropped on top.

“I’m pretty sure that it might really kill me,” said the star. “Would it even be possible to survive that?”

Disney to Make Han Solo Completely Computer Generated in Star Wars: Episode VII

LOS ANGELES, California – Disney to Make Han Solo Completely Computer Generated in Star Wars- Episode VII

Due to scheduling delays on production of Disney’s Star Wars: Episode VII, Harrison Ford’s iconic snarky character, Han Solo, will be completely computer generated in the film. Ford injured his leg during production back in June, and the actor has yet to fully recover. Disney execs revealed the bittersweet news at a press conference yesterday.

“We tried the best we could to accommodate Ford’s injury when it came to filming,” director J.J. Abrams said. “But the truth is, [Ford] is really old, and it takes a long time for old people to heal. I think that he is nearing in on 100 years old already, and our fans absolutely cannot wait for one extra day, hour, or minute after December 18, 2015 when film is scheduled to be released.”

Solo’s CGI form will be the first of its kind—groundbreaking human-mimicking technique that transcends motion capture. “It’s looking way better than Jar Jar,” Abrams commented. “We are very excited to introduce CGI Han to Star Wars fans. They’re gonna love it even more than they loved General Grievous.”

“We were half tempted to use CGI on all the original characters,” said an anonymous Disney executive. “We have the money. We can easily replicate all of them, and make them look years younger. Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher – these people are ancient. No one wants to see Luke battle Darth Vader using a walker, do they? Once people see the textures, the realism on [Ford’s] Han Solo character, they’ll be blown away. I mean hell, it’s not like 98% of these movies aren’t computer generated already, anyway.”

When asked to comment, Ford said, “I broke my leg.”

Accord to Disney, Ford will still provide the voice of Han Solo, unless he breaks something in and/or around his mouth. He is set to return again in the next installment of the much anticipated Star Wars franchise, assuming he hasn’t yet died of old age by the time filming begins.

When reached for comment, Mark Hamill, who is making his return as Luke Skywalker in the film, said that he, too, hoped he would still be alive for the next installment.

“I’m nowhere near as old as [Ford], but in Hollywood each day can be your last, lest they cast you off into obscurity,” said Hamill. “I remember my last relevant day in this city. I think it was sometime in 1987. Ah, no matter, I’m coming back strong thanks to Disney!”

While tickets are not on sale yet, Disney would like you to mark your calendar for this exciting new technology, in theaters December 18, 2015. If you do not have a calendar, Disney would like you to get one, especially if you can manage to find one with Simba or Buzz and Woody on it, so you can mark the release date on that one, even if you don’t particularly care about Star Wars

 

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