‘Tales From The Crypt’ Reboot To Hit HBO In 2016


LOS ANGELES, California – 

A reboot of the extremely popular horror series from the 1990s, Tales From The Crypt, is being planned for production by HBO, and slated to be added to their lineup of shows for the winter lineup in 2016.

“Frankly, we didn’t know that this show had such a major fanbase, but they have been clamoring for new episodes ever since the show went off the air,” said Cryptkeeper voice John Kassir. “Frankly, we never would have stopped making the series at all, except we ran out of puns for the Cryptkeeper. If we could have come up with more on the spot, we would have kept the series going. We’ve had many years, though, to come up with more, and we’re ready.”

Kassir says that the new series will be all new episodes, not remakes of the previous, with the exception of some “fan favorites.”

“No one is saying which ones though, yet,” said Kassir.

Edward Snowden Reveals He Has Seen Every American Man’s Penis

Edward Snowden Reveals He Has Seen Every American Man’s Penis


John Oliver, host of HBO satire Last Week Tonight, interviewed NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, in a clip released on Sunday evening. In the course of the interview, Oliver asked Snowden if the NSA had every man’s dick pics. Snowden responded that he himself has personally seen every man in America’s penis, and what he knows is not pretty.

“Every single man in the USA has sent a dick pic at some point in his life, even just to himself,” said Snowden, who is reportedly still in Russia. “And I’ve seen them all. Long, short, fat, thin, ugly and beautiful – I know what yours looks like.”

The interview, organized by Snowden himself, is an apparent attempt to force the government’s hand in granting him immunity from treason charges. Now that the political, legal, and social system in general, are aware of Snowden’s access to the secret of their genitalia, few will be brave enough to try to prosecute him.

“Yup. If you try anything, I’ll tell everyone what an ugly cock you have. In fact, I kept a database of all the dick pics, and I’ll show them to the world!”

Supreme court judge, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, says that they will not be cowed by Snowden’s blackmail.

“You don’t scare us. You think a few dick pics are gonna let you off the hook? You’ve got another thing coming.”

Ginsburg later retracted her comments, after male members of the Supreme Court begged her not to force his hand in releasing the pictures of their male members.

President Barack Obama proudly announced he has nothing to hide.

“I’m proud of what I’ve got, and so should every man be,” Obama wrote. “As Martin Luther King proclaimed, ‘I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color, shape or size of their foreskin, but by the content of their character.”

‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

'Game of Thrones' Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

LOS ANGELES, California  – 

The first 5 episodes of the fifth season of Game of Thrones was leaked to the internet earlier this week, and the internet immediately shit its pants with excitement over the news. Many people were clamoring to torrent websites to download the episodes, which were not scheduled to air until April 12th, but had hit the internet on April 10th.

As of this writing, over 45,000 people were seeding, or sharing, each of the 5 episodes on the popular filesharing website bigtorrent.org, and on website Shwashbuckle.neteach episode was being shared by as many as a quarter of a million users.

“We aren’t happy at all that this happened, nope, not a bit,” said HBO spokesman Jim Dugan. “We definitely didn’t leak the episodes ourself for publicity for the show, no, definitely not. And we will argue vehemently with anyone who says otherwise. This show leak is horrible for us. It’s definitely not going to drum up excitement for the rest of the series, causing people to subscribe to us via cable our encourage them to purchase our new network, HBONow, which has every single episode of every single show we have, as well as all the great HBO movies you’ve come to expect from us. Hell no, not a chance.”

Most people who have watched the episodes and reported on them throughout websites and forums, say that the show is still just as good as it’s always been.

“Yeah, I watched them, they were pretty good,” said torrent user MegaCock4UBabez6969. “I mean, the quality wasn’t HD, which pissed me off. But whatever, the episodes were good. There were tits, and there was blood, so I’m happy.”

HBO executives say that they have no plans to release the episodes any sooner just because of the internet leak.

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, ‘Real Sex’ During Late Night Hours

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO's 'Game Of Thrones', 'Real Sex' During Late Night Hours


NEW YORK, New York –

Viacom Media Networks, who owns and operates children’s programming network Nickelodeon, has announced that the company has signed a deal with HBO to air reruns of the popular series Game of Thrones, as well as reruns of the once popular Real Sex series, which HBO aired from 1990 – 2009.

Viacom CEO Thomas Bradbury said that the move will round out a great schedule of broadcasting for Nickelodeon. “During the late-morning up until early-evening hours Nickelodeon programming is obviously directed toward the children’s demographic, which left quite a void in the early-morning hours, which we will now be calling ‘Twilight Shift Programming’,” Bradbury said earlier today.

Bradbury said that other programs will be added to a four-hour block from midnight to 4am, but that no other programs have yet been made official. “Eventually, we will be able to fill the four hour twilight time period with four different programs, but as of now, it looks like the block will consists of two hours Game of Thrones, and two hours of Real Sex.”

Asked whether or not the adult related content in the programs would contradict their daytime programming, Bradbury stated that it simply would not be an issue. “We do not believe anyone will find any harm in the programming, in fact we feel that customers will be greatly pleased, because now there will be something for everyone on Nickelodeon,” the CEO said. “Once the kids go to bed, you can enjoy all the sex, beheadings, incest, boobs, and blood you crave, but without having to pay for an extra cable subscription.”

Nickelodeon is slated to begin airing the programs this spring.

HBO Picks Up ‘Full House’ Reboot; Plans to Make Show Raunchy and Adult

HBO Picks Up 'Full House' Reboot; Plans to Make Show Raunchy and Adult


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Those who grew up in the 80s and 90s are in for a trip down nostalgia lane. HBO has picked up a reboot of the classic TV series Full House, saying the new imagining of the sitcom will bring a whole new, edgy feel to it. John Stamos, Bob Saget, and Dave Coulier will return as the homoerotic threesome, together figuring out the best way to raise their four possibly-incestuous daughters.

“We considered keeping the original set up – three daughters – but felt that sex scenes between the Olsen twins would bring in a fortune of viewership,” HBO CEO, Richard Plepler said to the press. “The filming crew could barely contain themselves at the sight of those two going at each other with all manner of dirty acts.”

Unfortunately, the original dog, Buddy, died of lung cancer in 1999. He has been replaced by a golden retriever named Spuddy, who plays the naive victim of the family’s bestiality.

“Casting Spuddy was a tough choice, because Buddy was so beloved,” said casting director, Joe Antonelli. “We considered leaving him out of the series altogether. But we wanted the show to be as raunchy as possible, and what better way than including a dog?”

Critical reaction to the news has been unanimously positive, with the as-yet-unreleased show becoming the first ever series to achieve a perfect 10 rating on IMDB. All agree that, no matter what the screenwriting is like, the original actors will bring that much-loved atmosphere of the original series right back into our hearts.

However, the demographic of viewers is set to change, with the series set to be TV-MA, which is much dirtier than it’s original PG rating. Many parents have come out against the rating, and plan on “defying the man” by letting their children watch.

“I want my kids to grow up with the same lovable characters as I once did,” said local dad, Simon Poi. “We used to sit in front of the television with dinner on our laps enjoying those fun times. I’m finally gonna get to share that with my kids, and it will take more than reactionary censorship to stop me.”

Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

Actor, Author, ex-con, cartoon star, and former heavyweight champion of the world Mike Tyson is getting a comeback title shot next month at the ripe old age of 48. Current champ Wladimir Kitschko is putting his three title belts on the line to fight the aging Tyson in what will be sure to be a major pay-for-view event for fans, as well as a big payday for both fighters.

“I mean who the hell is Wladimir Kits…Kitsco…kitty cats, anyway?” asked Mike Tyson to a room of reporters trying desperately to stifle their laughs. ”I had to Google it, ’cause I had no idea who this chump champ was. Boxing needs me, ain’t nobody have to Google Mike Tyson. I’ve got the most recognizable face in sports, maybe the world, and that was even before the face tattoo. I still got it. Shit, I’m not even training for this one. Just watch. I’ll knock his ass down in one punch.”

Insider reports say that the fight could net Tyson a near $5 million payday, win or lose.

“Yeah, you know, I don’t even wanna fight that bad. It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t care. But I do care about that money, baby,” said Tyson. “I need to make it now, and not piss it all away like last time. That cartoon show money isn’t going to come rolling in forever.” 

”My man Iron Mike is back, and the world of boxing has suffered in his absence,” said legendary boxing promoter Don King. “No one cares about boxing anymore, all you hear about is the mixed martial arts. It’s sad when two men hugging each other on a mat is more popular than boxing. That’s why me and Mike have come out of retirement. Don’t listen to Mike when he says it’s for the money – heck, after my 70% off the top he won’t have much left anyway. This fight, it’s about pride in the sport. Pride in America. It’s about showing age is just a number and you’re never to old to achieve your dreams. And yeah, okay, it’s about the money too.”


Owen Wilson To Co-Star Alongside Vince Vaughn in ‘True Detective’ Season Two

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Owen Wilson To Co-Star Alongside Vince Vaughn in 'True Detective' Season Two

HBO revealed to the press today that funnyman Owen Wilson has signed on to co-star alongside Vince Vaughn in the second season of its popular and critically acclaimed dramatic series, True Detective. The two actors previously worked together in 2005 in the “hilarious” romantic comedy Wedding Crashers, and again in the 2013 film The Internship.

While the second season was rumored to feature Elisabeth Moss as a lead, the premium cable network opted to take advantage of their situation. “We already got Vince, so we figured, ‘why not try a Wedding Crashers reunion?’” An HBO spokesperson said. “It would’ve been foolish not to. I mean, nobody wants to see Vince Vaughn and Elisabeth Moss on-screen together. There wouldn’t be any laughs; she’s so serious. When you throw in Owen Wilson, nobody will want to miss that. Plus, they’ll improvise so much that the writers won’t have to write much dialogue. You wouldn’t make a Nicolas Cage movie without asking John Travolta to be in it, would you? You just can’t deny great chemistry. That’s what wins viewers. That’s what wins awards. Season two of True Detective is gonna be more hilarious than The Big Bang Theory.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled to work with Owen again, he’s my buddy,” Vaughn said. “I really was looking forward to working with a great dramatic actress like Elisabeth Moss, she’s so brilliant on Mad Men. I wanted to delve into dramatic acting, that’s kind of why I agreed to do this show, but now it won’t even feel like work at all. Just hanging out and riffing with Owen. And I get paid to do it!”

When asked how he feels about working with Vaughn again, Owen said, “It always feels good to be around people. Plus, it’s always fun to text Vince while we’re in the same room. Like, when he’s right next to me I’ll text him something hilarious like ‘Hey man, where’s craft service? I need a sandwich and to talk about my feelings.’”

Elisabeth Moss provided no comment, but the HBO spokesperson provided more unsolicited comments. “Why have a chick when we can have two dudes who will do anything to hook up with chicks and pretend to be detectives? ”

Lady Gaga Joins Cast of HBO Hit Series ‘True Detective’ For Season 2

LOS ANGELES, California –lady gaga joins cast of true detective season 2

Lady Gaga has officially joined the season two cast of the critically acclaimed HBO television series True Detective,  according to show creator and writer Nic Pizzolatto.

The first season of the television series was an instant hit for HBO, and featured tremendous acting performances by Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. For the  66th Primetime Emmy Awards, the series is nominated for Outstanding Drama Series. Harrelson and McConaughey (who will not return to the show) are both nominated for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. 

Acting in the series will be a new endeavor for Lady Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta. Gaga says she was influenced by her boyfriend, actor Taylor Kinney, who plays Lt. Kelly Severide on the popular TV show Chicago Fire.

“We are very excited to work with Lady Gaga. She passed a screen test with flying colors and has proven that she is a true performer and clearly this will put her on the map as an acting sensation,” said Pizzolatto in a telephone interview. “She is undergoing rigorous training from some of the most highly respected acting coaches in the industry at New York’s Actors Studio. She will be playing the role of Sarah Kemilosky, one of our newly added three main characters for season two.”

It was recently announced that True Detective season two is expected to include eight episodes, and will take place in California, a change from the Louisiana backdrop of season one.

Lady Gaga has not been reachable for comment since the announcement, but her boyfriend Taylor Kinney is very happy that Gaga will be joining him in the ‘world of acting.’

“She is very excited. It is something we joked about in the past, her getting into acting, but the more I thought about it, the more I tried to convince her to give it a try. I know she has exactly what it takes to make it in the industry, she definitely has the chops for acting. This opportunity will most certainly put her on the map as a legitimate actress.”

Season two of True Detective is scheduled to begin filming late 2014.



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