Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”

TEXARKANA, Texas –

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.