Caitlyn Jenner Upset People Already Stopped Talking About Her

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Bruce Jenner Praised As 'American Hero,' Transgender People Everywhere Bored By News

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly ‘extremely upset’ that news outlets have stopped talking about her, and sources are saying that she is looking for her next big announcement and “courageous act” to get back in the news.

“In the 70s, Bruce Jenner was a hero for doing something sports related, which is just stupid – athletes aren’t heroes, and neither are Olympians. They’re just playing games,” said Richard Mario, a reported for the LA Times. “Now, Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner, and we all reported on that. Blah blah, she’s a hero for doing it in the public eye, blah blah. She’s not a hero for transitioning, either. She’s still a bigoted, anti-gay marriage, rich republican. People have realized it, and that’s why they’re not talking about her.”

According to her closest friends, Jenner says that she may transition back to being a man just so that her name can be in magazines and newspapers again.

“She’s really upset, and she’s trying to think of what she can do so that people don’t stop talking about her,” said her friend, Marianne Jones. “I think her Kardasihan former step-children have really gotten to her, and now she wants to be just like them. She’s even talking about transitioning back into a man! I mean, she was on the cover of Vogue, now she could go back and be on the cover of Men’s Health!”

Man Severs Spine Trying To Be Hero; Attempted To Lift Car Off Trapped Child

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

The Northeast was hit with their first major snowstorm of the winter, and numerous accidents were reported across several states. In New Hampshire, one man is now paralyzed from the waist down after he attempted to lift a car off a child who was trapped after an accident.

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“I was right behind the car as it went off the road, and flipped down into the ditch,” said Mario Lemmon, 32. “It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I ran right over to the car, and I saw that the driver, a woman, was dead. Her head had come clean off. There was a child trapped inside, though, and with all my blood pumping, I was so jacked I just thought, ‘shit, I can lift this.’ Turns out cars are heavy.”

Doctors say that Lemmon attempted to lift the car entirely with his back, in a jerking, twisting motion. Proper protocol for a heavy lift is, according to doctors and physical therapists, to do so with your legs.

“I guess in all the excitement, I got confused, and I just went at it, heave-ho,” said Lemmon. “But hey, you know, at least I tried. That’s more than a lot of people would do.”

Lemmon will be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Both the child and his mother, who were not identified, ended up dying at the scene of the accident.

Charlie Sheen Praised As Hero After Saving Prized Family Possession From Fire

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BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Neighbors of  outspoken, controversial and unpredictable actor Charlie Sheen are calling him a “hero” after he heard a 10-year-old girl crying for her “giraffe” and ran into the neighbors burning bamboo hut and within seconds emerged with little Katie Edenstein’s pygmy giraffe,  a rare miniature giraffe which typically only grows to be five-inches tall.

Paul Edenstein, the girl’s father says he had been grilling shark in the family’s backyard located next door to Sheen on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills, and went in the house for a brief period, “I had just throw some shark on the grill and I ran inside, for maybe two minutes to get some seasoned salt, when I came back out, I saw the hut completely engulfed in flames, I ran and grabbed Katie, and was shocked when Charlie came running out from the flames with Bernie, her pet pygmy giraffe.” Edenstein told a reporter from the Beverly Hills Ledger. “It was the craziest sight, imagine seeing that. He is a hero,” the father added.

Sheen, who was later seen at a coffee shop downtown, was stopped by a paparazzo and asked about the incident, “Yeah! A little giraffe, it’s all good, crazy Uncle Charlie was jacked up and raring to go, it’s cool man. I’m glad the little guy is okay, I want one now.” Sheen said before getting in his Bentley and driving away, and coincidentally was pulled over for speeding right afterward. Maxwell Roundtree, the paparazzo rushed up to Sheen’s car to ask why he was pulled over, “Oh, you know, running in and out of flaming bamboo huts with mini giraffes, drinking a lot of coffee, I guess I got jacked up and going too fast as always, it’s all good though bro!” Sheen answered happily.

Actor Danny Trejo Catches Robbery Suspect, Elderly Woman Says ‘He Is My Hero’

OAKLAND, California – Actor Danny Trejo Catches Robbery Suspect, Elderly Woman Says 'He Is My Hero'

70-year-old actor Danny Trejo is being called a hero today, after reportedly catching a man who had robbed an 86-year-old woman of her life savings.

Trejo is a very well-known method actor, mostly known for portraying villains and anti-heroes in action films, but is loved by movie-goers and has a very large cult following.

After parking his car at a Ralph’s grocery store in Oakland, Trejo said he heard a woman screaming for help. “I looked up and saw an older woman waving her cane in the air and yelling for help. She pointed to a man running to a black pickup truck, then I noticed he had a woman’s purse as he was running,” Trejo told an Oakland police officer.

According to the police report, the assailant reportedly jumped into his truck and took off, so Trejo jumped back into his 2014 Bentley and followed the man. As the two sped through the streets of Oakland, a police officer spotted the car chase and took pursuit. After tailing the assailant for several miles, Trejo finally rear-ended the perpetrator’s truck, a stunt he had learned in his years of acting in action films.

Trejo got out of his vehicle and pulled the man out of his truck, wrestling him to the ground as police arrived on the scene. Police handcuffed both the assailant and Trejo at first, and placed the two in separate squad cars. Officer Larry Ragsdale, first on the scene, told Empire News that after questioning each of the men, it had become obvious what had happened.

“Mr. Trejo acted as a vigilante, and caught the man who had robbed an elderly woman, who had kept her life savings in her purse. The woman had over $14,000 in her bag. Although we do not condone citizens acting in such a manner, we determined that Mr. Trejo was only acting like a vigilante, and was not really purporting to be one, so we decided not to charge him with any crimes. Plus, I mean look at the guy – you can tell he’s one badass S.O.B. I know I wouldn’t get on the wrong side of Danny Trejo. No way in hell I was booking him.”

Edith Marie Carlton, the 86-year-old victim in the mugging, told Empire News that Trejo was like an angel. “God bless that man! I had everything I own in that purse, because I don’t believe in using a bank. I always just keep all my money on me. He is my hero. I learned my lesson, though, to leave the house with only the money I intend to use,” Carlton said. When asked if she recognized Trejo from films, she said she did.

“I think I’ve seen him playing a bad guy. Who can tell, right?” said Carlton. “All those bad people in the movies, they look the same to me. I don’t normally watch the violent pictures. At any rate, all I can say is – never judge a book by its cover!” she stated as she laughed.

The robbery suspect, who was charged with grand theft and resisting arrest, was said to be beaming with happiness during his booking process. “Did you guys hear? I got my ass kicked by Machete!” He reportedly told everyone, excitedly. Trejo refused comment at this time.

Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

BOSTON, Massachusetts –  Chain Reaction Heimlich Maneuver Saves Woman, Chokes Another

Don’t call Carl McInerney a hero.  The unassuming groundskeeper from Roslindale, MA is just a regular guy, to hear him tell it.  But early last week his low-profile status instantly changed, when lifelong friends Jessica Hayes and Barbara “Bobbie” Clarke found themselves in trouble at an outdoor café.

“Bobbie and I were eating way too fast,” explained Hayes.  Clarke had just returned from a week’s vacation in Bali.  “I was telling her how I almost missed my plane home because I always run late. It’s like a running gag between us so we were laughing about it.”

Laughter turned to panic when Hayes showed signs of distress.  “All of a sudden I look up,” recalled Clarke, “and Jess wasn’t laughing anymore.  She was grabbing her throat and banging her hand on the table.”

That’s when McInerney unexpectedly joined them for lunch.  “It was my first day at work at the Arboretum so I was kind of in a hurry to get over there,”  Boston’s Arnold Arboretum is a much-loved public park, nature research facility and national landmark.  “I saw one lady, she was screaming over there and the other lady was hunched all over the table choking.”

McInerney explained what happened next.  “I ran over to the lady who was choking and did the Heimlich on her.  So then the food comes flying out of her mouth toward the other lady who was right across from her, and the other lady’s got her mouth hanging wide open ‘cause she was in shock, I guess, from being a witness to the whole thing.  So then the food comes flying out of the first lady’s mouth and goes right straight into her friend’s mouth, and gets stuck in her throat!  So then this second lady starts choking and now she can’t breathe.  I thought I was having a wicked nightmare or something.”

Instinct kicked in again, as McInerney quickly raced to the other side of the table and re-performed the lifesaving maneuver, this time on Clarke.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Hayes, after regaining her breath.  “It was a cherry tomato that got us both, which was kind of gross, but now we joke about it.”

“Yeah,” echoed Clarke.  “We always say we share everything but this time it went too far!”

McInerney didn’t stay around long enough to receive the thanks he deserved.  “I made it to work just on time and told my new boss what happened.  They made me employee of the month the first day I was there!  It was crazy, and I said, ‘Is this for real?’”

McInerney, Hayes, and Clarke plan to have lunch together soon, “But this time,” joked Hayes, “we’re going to make it a liquid lunch!”

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