Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

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Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

New Internet Browser Lets You Block News About Kanye West

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

SILICON VALLEY, California –

A software designer has created the world’s first internet browser that will automatically detect and block any news or reference made to Kanye West, the rapper/producer/jerkoff whose antics always seem to make national headlines.

“Honestly, I was just so sick of reading his ridiculous quotes and seeing his ugly, asshole frown,” said engineer Marcus Day. “There are apps out there you can get to block this or that keyword or image, but they rarely work, because they focus on too many things to block. My browser blocks one thing, and one thing only – Kanye West.”

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Day says that he began work on the browser a couple of years ago after Kanye interrupted Taylor Swift at the Grammy awards.

“I couldn’t believe this big dumb asshole comes running up on stage, ruining her moment,” said Day. “I don’t really care about Taylor Swift, but I do care about morons ruining things. If he was anyone else, he’d have been arrested for a stunt like that. Instead, nothing happens except that he gets more attention and some ridicule. It needs to stop.”

Days browser will automatically block any reference to West’s name, as well has his image, from appearing anywhere on the internet as you browse.

“Social media, especially, makes a big deal about him. It’s sickening. So now, you can download WestAway and surf the net happily, with no mention of Kanye West whatsoever,” said Day. “Also, if you use the browser for several years, and West finally is no longer relevant, the browser can easily be updated to block out any mention of the next obnoxious asshole who the media starts fellating.”

Rapper Eminem Gives Homeless Man Check For $1 Million

DETROIT, Michigan – Eminem Gives One Million Dollars To Homeless Man

Marshall Bruce Mathers III, best known by his stage name Eminem, took to the streets of Detroit, Michigan last week on what he said was “a mission from God.” His plan was to find a complete stranger and give him or her a check for a whopping one million dollars. The 42-year-old rap icon followed through with the quest when he presented a homeless man, Raymond “Pops” Clark, 52, with that check.

According to witnesses, Mathers, worth an estimated $130 million, was walking down Woodward Avenue in downtown Detroit with bodyguards when he saw Clark, a black man with a white beard, and only wearing one shoe, who was pushing a shopping cart while collecting aluminum cans. Mathers stopped the man and talked with him for a while, then gave him the check. Michelle Grisdale, a resident who lives in a nearby apartment saw the whole thing.

“I couldn’t believe it, Eminem was right there and talking to Pops,” Grisdale said. “Then he just gave him a check for a million dollars, just like that. It happened about two days ago, and the whole block has been partying ever since.”

According to the neighborhood, they have been keeping Pops happy, with the local Detroit salesman providing him with everything he could ever need.

“Pops been buying booze, weed, coke, crack, cola, molly, meth, blue and yellow purple pills – just whatever he wants, he buys,” said Detroit resident Geoffrey Jones. “It’s been one big ass, cray-cray party on this block ever since Em was here. Pops has been buying spreading the love with the neighborhood, too. He bought chicken and biscuits from Popeye’s for the whole block. It was Goddamn nice of him, too. We love that old bastard around here. Well, we do now that he’s got money, anyway.”

The rapper was asked about his good deed during a recent radio interview on WKFD radio in Detroit, and he said it was the least he could do for the community.

“Well, I know what it’s like, ya know? I’m a product of the streets, of that community, ya know? So yeah, I hooked an old dude up, told him to buy some shoes, enjoy himself a bit. Get off the streets. I hope he’s using the money wisely. A million dollars – man, that could set him up for life if he does shit right.”

According to Pops, though, most of the money is already gone.

“I’ve got about $84 dollars left,” said Pops. “It was a really great 34 hours or so, though. Best time I’ve ever had in my life.”

O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession: ‘I Shot Tupac Shakur’

LOVELOCK, Nevada – O.J. Simpson In Shocking Confession- 'I Shot Tupac Shakur'

During an interview with a BBC News affiliate earlier this week, 67-year-old O.J. Simpson shockingly confessed –  not to the murders of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ron Goldman, but to the shooting death of deceased, iconic rap superstar Tupac Shakur, who was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting on September 7, 1996, and died six days later.

Peter Reddington, a BBC journalist, traveled to Lovelock, Nevada earlier this month for a special one-on-one interview with O.J. Simpson at Lovelock Correctional Center, the prison in which Simpson is serving a thirty-three year sentence for crimes of robbery and kidnapping he committed in 2007.

“The interview was going as well as could be expected,” Reddington said. “I began to prod at the ol’ boy about whether or not he killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. At first he just sat there, like a lost boy on his bum, silent and mysteriously.” Redding said that it was shortly after those questions when Simpson began to get very talkative.

“He looked at me intently for several minutes, then out of nowhere he said, ‘I’ll tell you who I killed. it wasn’t Nicole and it wasn’t Ron Goldman. I shot Tupac that night in Las Vegas! It was me!’  I was absolutely flabbergasted and asked him if he was yanking my chain. He then got very angry, and said he wasn’t proud of it but he did it. He looked me right in the eye and said he had lost several thousand dollars because he had bet that Bruce Seldon would defeat Mike Tyson in their boxing match, he said that he was embarrassed because Tyson won by a first round knockout in less than two minutes, and that he and Shakur had somewhat of a feud earlier in the night.”

Simpson explained how he followed Shakur and rapper Suge Knight as they left a Las Vegas casino. “I followed the two thugs, I figured I’d do the planet a favor by taking out those wanna-be gangsters. Yes, I did it. That’s the only person I’ve ever killed. I didn’t hurt Ron or Nicole at all. On the other hand, you can read all about how I would have killed my wife in my book, If I Did It, available now through Amazon and at bookstores everywhere.”

Simpson is currently serving a thirty-three year sentence with possibility of parole in 2017. Las Vegas police have decided no to re-opened the Shakur investigation, saying that it’s ‘not possible’ that Simpson actually committed the crime, but would give no further details.

 

Drake Announces Engagement To Nicki Minaj; Singer Says She’ll ‘Knock Diddy The F— Out’

MIAMI, Florida – Drake Announces Engagement To Nicki Minaj; Singer Says She'll 'Knock Diddy The F--- Out'

Just days after a physical altercation between hip-hop heavyweights Drake and Diddy, Drake announced through his publicist, Lolita Valazquez, that he and Nicki Minaj are engaged. The rapper reportedly proposed to Nicki while in Miami earlier this week and “she said yes!” according to Valazquez.

D-Rock Morton, of the hip-hop publication The New Beat, interviewed Valazquez via telephone to confirm the engagement news. While he had her on the line, he asked about the beef between Drake and Diddy.

“It is obviously a legal matter, but I can tell you, producer Boi-1DA gave both of them a song, titled ‘0 to 100,’ and Diddy hadn’t done anything with it for months. So naturally, Drake decided to use it for himself. As you now know, the song was a huge hit for Drake. It seems that Diddy had his pride hurt, and because he’s a little bitch, it led to the altercation. That’s all I can say about the issue,” Valazquez commented.

Later in the day, Nicki Minaj did a radio interview on WFTBThe Mix! in Clearwater, Florida, confirming the engagement. She  initially spoke of how she cannot wait to marry her ‘best friend,’ but the interview quickly turned in an abrupt, and angry, direction.

“If Diddy wants to cry like a bitch because Drake recorded a song [Diddy] couldn’t even have done in the first place, then that motherf—– needs to just give it up. I tell ya what though, I will knock that old fool the f— out, believe that. Ain’t nobody gonna disrespect my bae that way. Diddy needs to apologize, or he’ll have to deal with me. That’s all I got to say about that,” Minaj told a stunned WFTB DJ.

With all that has transpired, the hip-hop community is reeling, and industry insiders are expecting some big shit to pop off between the rappers at any time. For now, fans should expect several diss-tracks to emerge after the new year.

 

Jay-Z May Have Cheated on Beyoncé With Oprah Winfrey, Says Sister Solange Knowles

NEW YORK, New York – Jay-Z May Have Had Affair With Oprah Winfrey, Says Beyonce's Sister Solange Knowles

Last May the entertainment industry was rocked by Solange Knowles’ now infamous elevator attack on hip-hop icon Shawn Carter, known by fans by his stage name Jay Z. Knowles, the sister of tremendously popular and highly respected R&B singer and Carter’s spouse, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, was caught via security camera footage attacking Jay-Z in an elevator at a Met Gala after-party.

Surveillance video footage showed Solange, also an R&B singer, yelling at Carter and wildly attacking him physically as she punched and kicked at him. The video made its way to public eye thanks to celebrity gossip website TMZ, and it immediately went viral. In the months since the incident, no reason has ever been clearly given on why Jay Z’s sister-in-law went to the extreme to attack him in front of Beyoncé and a security guard. This past weekend at the MTV Video Music Awards, Jay-Z and daughter Blue Ivy were seated in separate sections as Beyoncé performed at the event. Despite the family of three gathering on stage after an emotional performance by Beyoncé, the fact that Solange was seated so far away from the family raised speculation even more.

Yesterday Solange decided to come clean and tell the world why the incident occurred, and why she wants nothing to do with Jay-Z.

“He is a lying, no good, unfaithful playa, and I busted him. I know now that he had been sleeping with another woman; I had suspected it for a long time and then I finally began to notice that he and Oprah Winfrey had been spending a lot of time together. I didn’t think anything of it at first, she didn’t seem like his type and vice-versa. I had a friend-of-a-friend look into his comings and goings around the country, and found out the two were meeting secretly at various hotels in Chicago and Manhattan. They always got separate rooms, but that doesn’t mean a thing. It’s very fishy. I was shocked to find out that Shawn was cheating on my sister, such a beautiful, amazing woman. And with Oprah? Don’t get me wrong, she is  an amazing woman, but her beauty faded long ago, don’t you think”

Solange says that she wishes that Beyoncé had never married Jay-Z, and she expected the worst right from the beginning.

“I have always had the highest amount of respect for Oprah, but never much for Shawn [Jay-Z]. I have slightly changed my mind about Oprah since discovering what my investigative work has unearthed. It made me feel sick inside and I just wanted to beat [Jay-Z] down after I found out. So when we were finally all together that night in the elevator, I confronted him, he called me a selfish, non-talented bitch. I just went crazy. It really hurt, it hurt badly.”

The allegations are sure to create quite a wild stir in the wild world of American entertainment and its publications. Attempts to contact the management of Oprah Winfrey, who is 60-years-old and one of the richest women in the world, went unacknowledged. However, a call to the office of  Jay Z’s Roc-A-Fella Entertainment was replied to in a voice message from Carter himself, where he simply said, “I got 99 problems but Oprah ain’t one.” No further comment was given. Beyoncé has not spoken about her sisters allegations, except to say that Jay-Z definitely liked it, and the ring he put on it isn’t going anywhere.

Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Justin Bieber To Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

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