Hollywood Desperate To Find Actor Who Hasn’t Sexually Assaulted Anyone

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood moguls at film studios across the city are in a “desperate search” for an actor who hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone before next award’s season begins, and so far, the search is coming up short.

“We’re really digging deep into the backgrounds of everyone, and it’s so hard to find anyone who hasn’t ‘accidentally’ raped an unconscious girl, or made lewd comments at a press junket,” said a Hollywood executive who wished to go unnamed. “It’s really starting to put the fear of God into executives.”

“We absolutely have to make sure that we don’t nominate someone for an award, only to find out later that they like, molested a young boy 30 years ago, or something like that,” said a film producer for a major studio. “I mean, someone like Kevin Spacey, yeah, you kind of always thought there was something weird about him, but Morgan Freeman? Morgan fucking Freeman is being accused of lewd conduct now. My mind is blown, you can’t trust anyone.”

There has been talk by Oscar officials about whether to honor any males at the awards ceremony in 2019 at all, saying that they may just completely can the actor awards across the board, and only nominated and award women winners.

Harvey Weinstein Put Into Witness Protection After Reportedly Ratting on Sex Offenders, Pedophiles to FBI

weinstein

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Former Hollywood producer and mogul Harvey Weinstein was recently fired from his position as CEO of The Weinstein Company after several woman accused of him of sexual assault, with more coming forward,  documenting decades of abuse. After he was also kicked out of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Weinstein reportedly approached the FBI with a deal to list big Hollywood names of others who he knew for certain to be sex offenders or pedophiles.

“Mr. Weinstein has given us well over 500 names, and many of them are quite shocking,” said FBI director Martin Roberts. “When we eventually move from investigation to arrests, many people will be extremely shocked and surprised at the people we take in. These are the creme de la creme of Hollywood elite, many of them are huge A-list stars.”

There has long been talk of a secret ring of sex offenders and pedophilia that was rampant in Hollywood, but Harvey Weinstein’s downfall was just “the tip of the iceberg” according to Roberts.

“We have since worked out a deal with Weinstein, the details of which are not up for discussion at this time,” said Roberts. “He has, though, been  moved in to witness protection, as many of the people he named had far-reaching power, and we are uncertain of his safety at this time.”

Major Hollywood Actress Comes Forward With Shocking Revelation: ‘I’ve Never Been Raped’

hollywood

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A Hollywood actress recently gave an interview with People Magazine, and made a startling revelation about her time in Tinsel Town.

“I’ve never been raped, not even a little bit,” said the actress, who for now is keeping her identity a secret in fear that her story could cause her to miss out on roles. “I’ve worked with almost every major producer in town, at every studio, and not a single one has ever even tried to touch me, or show me their genitals, or even made a slight pass.”

Many actresses are stepping up recently, with accusations against major Hollywood players, including Harvey Weinstein, former head of The Weinstein Company, who has since been fired and even release from The Academy over accusations of sexual assault.

“I’ve worked with Harvey, and he was fine with me, but I definitely believe what these other women are saying,” said the actress. “You have to understand that Hollywood is a machine of pure sex. People use it to make or break their careers, and that’s not even getting into how deep it can go when we’re talking about child actors, and pedophilia.”

The news comes as a major shock that an actress, who did reveal that she is an Oscar winner and has worked in Hollywood for more than two decades, has never been assaulted.

“Frankly, I’m surprised to find that any woman hasn’t been raped in Hollywood, so it’s definitely a surprise,” said a top film producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve worked with a lot of women over the years, and I’ve definitely at least gave them a quick grope or flashed myself, or sent a dick pic. So it’s really kind of crazy to find out there’s one that we haven’t gotten to yet.”

Gritty, R-Rated ‘Carmen Sandiego’ Movie Begins Production In October

carmen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was a popular children’s game and TV show, which taught geography and history to kids in the early 90s. Several other offshoots of the Carmen Sandiego character have appeared over time, and it was announced today in Variety magazine that a new, gritty version of the character is coming to the big screen.

“All the kids loved Carmen, but those kids have grown up, many with children of their own now,” said Lionsgate CEO Mark Miller. “We thought about the property, and decided that a gritty, dark, violent version of the character would really appeal to those adults who grew up with her on TV and on the computer. This was a major deal for us, and a huge property to acquire.”

Miller says that the character is being revamped and rebooted to be more of a sultry, violent, superhero like spy.

“She’s a former stripper-turned-private eye, so she knows how to use her body as well as her fists, to get to the ‘bad guys,'” said Miller. “The script is being written by Quentin Tarantino, who is a big fan of the original TV show, as well as the cartoon series from the 90s.”

Tarantino is known for his violent characters in most films, including extremely badass female characters such as The Bride in his Kill Bill films.

“We know he will do a terrific job on the story,” said Miller. “If things pan out, we may even have him direct.”

Channing Tatum Says He Still Has To Sleep With Pacifer

Channing Tatum, everyone's favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along
Channing Tatum, everyone’s favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along

LOS ANGELES, California – 

One of the manliest hunks in Hollywood today, Channing Tatum, says that he still sleeps with the pacifier that he has had since he was a baby, and that it’s the “only way” he can fall asleep at night.

“Honestly, I have tried ditching the thing a million times, but I just can’t get use to sleeping with my little binky,” said Tatum. “I wish that I could. It’s really embarrassing that I have to deal with it, but at this point, I’m just too old to call it quits.”

Tatum says that over the years, he’s had to have orthodontic surgery at least a dozen times to correct the overbite that the pacifier causes.

“Sucking your thumb, or a pacifier, or anything, over long periods of time, causes your mouth to change shape, and I’ve had to have surgery to fix my jaw and upper plate several times,” said Tatum. “I don’t want my face to change too much. The dentists see dollar signs when I walk in. But it’s worth it, honestly. I love my bink, and my wife is used to it. I just really hope that my kids don’t take on the same habits that I have.”

Hollywood Says That They Are ‘Done’ Making Reboots, Remakes; Original Content Only Starting 2017

LA

LOS ANGELES, California – 

All the major studios in Hollywood, including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and more, released a joint announcement today saying that they have “heard the call” of the movie fan, and will no longer be rebooting or remaking films, and plan to release nothing but original films and content going forward.

“People have been complaining a lot, and the internet is really the most important fan we have,” read the statement. “We have listened, and starting in 2017, there will be no more reboots from any of our studios. No remakes, either. We will still have sequels, because they’re built-in audiences that are usually cash cows, but no longer will we decide to make a movie based on another movie that is only 10 years old, that itself was based on a comic or TV series that was only 3 years old.”

The internet let out a collective yell of celebration at the news, praising Hollywood filmmakers for the first time since Avatar was released.

“Finally, they’re doing something right, and listening to what we want,” said Kip Hendrix, who says he ‘loves movies more than sluts love dick.’ “I’m so glad that I will never again have to see a movie in anticipation of another version of it being released by the time I get home from the theatre. Hollywood has sucked lately, and this is going to fix it.”

Women Use Pubic Hair In New Nail Designs

pubic hair

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood has always been at the forefront of crazy trends, but this latest one might just be the most bizarre. According to fashion magazine and website GirlLooks, women are shaving their pubic hair and forming it into crazy, hairy fingernail designs.

“Hair is sexy, but hair down there is definitely not,” said fashion mogul Jerard DuPre. “But, if you take that pussy hair, and you trim it, and you comb it, and you soften it with the most luxurious conditioners, and then you glue it to your fingernails, you will be a bombshell.”

DuPre says that he came up with the technique after seeing how much hair was wasted at his Hollywood salon.

“Women come in all the time for new hairdos, waxings, and bikinis,” said DuPre. “We were throwing away pounds of hair a week. Now, we take the hair from the nether-regions and repurpose it. The trend caught on better than I ever could have imagined.”

Major stars including Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Kardashian, and even Barbara Walters have all been seen using their pussy hair as nail trimmings.

“It’s beautiful, and all women at the forefront of fashion and trends are doing it,” said DuPre.

Steven Spielberg Announces 5th ‘Indiana Jones’ Film Titled ‘Search For The Medicaid’

jones

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Harrison Ford has just signed on for the 5th, and perhaps final, installment in the original Indiana Jones series, according to producer and director Steven Spielberg. Spielberg, who is a spry 69-years-old, will direct Ford in the outing, slated for release in 2019. Ford will be a wrinkled 76-years-old upon the film’s release.

“I know I can’t do these forever, and if it wasn’t Steven making it again, I wouldn’t be bothered,” said Ford. “They tell me that this film is about Jones’ search for his missing Medicaid card. Sounds about right to me. At my age, I’m just not as limber and mobile as I used to be. Should be a really exciting adventure.”

“We’re going to be visiting some amazing locales in this movie, including Jones’ bathroom, his bedroom, and the living room couch, as he searches for his insurance card,” said Spielberg. “This is going to be the most action-packed film that a nearly 80-year-old man could ever hope to star in.”

The movie, being produced by LucasFilms, will be a summer tent-pole, as fans are just about as eager for the film as can be expected for a series this beloved.

“I mean yeah, I guess I’ll see it eventually,” said Roger Joy, 38. “I grew up with the originals. Crystal Skull kind of sucked, but as long as Harrison Ford doesn’t have to interact with the walking mannequin that is Shia LeBeouf in this one, it will be okay. I’ll at least catch it on Netflix.”

Owen Wilson Says He Plans On Finally Getting Nose Job

wilson

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Actor Owen Wilson, the uglier, slightly funnier brother of actor Luke Wilson that you probably know from movies like Wedding Crashers and The Internship, has announced that he finally plans on fixing his nose, which has bothered audiences for year.

“I have decided that the time is right, and I will be undergoing rhinoplasty to fix this monstrosity of a nose on my face,” said Wilson. “I’ve played the comedian long enough, and my agent has told me that if I ever want to be taken seriously, I should try and take better care of my looks, so I am.”

Wilson has been acting for decades, and has a net worth of nearly $40 million from starring in hit films, but has always maintained his hideous facial feature.

“I’m so glad that he’s wising up and having the surgery,” said Wilson fan Mario Jones. “He would be so much better in movies if he wasn’t so damn hard to look at.”

“I think that it’s really courageous of him to talk about how ugly he’s been in public like this,” said Maria Jackson, another fan. “I always thought he would be so yummy if only he wasn’t so damn fugly. Now his brother Luke? Mmmmh, honey – I’d eat the crack of that man’s ass, lordy lordy, he’s fine!”

Kanye West Admits He’s In Debt Due To Kim Kardashian Mobile Video Game

westhollywood

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A short time ago, Kanye West announced that he was over $50 million dollars in debt, and now, he’s coming out with the truth about what has caused his extreme downfall in wealth.

“Kim’s damn Android game, man. That shit cost me a fortune, and I can’t kick it. I just can’t,” said Kanye. “I know I tweeted back in October that any game that charges real world money was horrible, but it’s my wife’s damn game. I had to try it. And now, here I am.”

Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game available on the iTunes and Android app stores that allow people to pretend to be Kim, going on shopping sprees and doing all sort of extremely inane tasks. The game is free to download and play, but many of the game’s items need to be unlocked using real world money.

“I tried to stop playing, but I couldn’t,” said Kanye. “I needed to have the nicer car. Then I wanted all the fancy clothes. Then I wanted more new cars. The bigger house. All that shit, man, you gotta unlock it buy making in-app purchases. Before I knew it, I’d spent a million dollars.”

West says that over the last 6 months of playing the game, he’s spent more than $53 million dollars in real-world money on app purchases.

“I know I don’t say this as often as I should, but I need some serious fucking help,” said West.

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