Major Hollywood Actress Comes Forward With Shocking Revelation: ‘I’ve Never Been Raped’

hollywood

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A Hollywood actress recently gave an interview with People Magazine, and made a startling revelation about her time in Tinsel Town.

“I’ve never been raped, not even a little bit,” said the actress, who for now is keeping her identity a secret in fear that her story could cause her to miss out on roles. “I’ve worked with almost every major producer in town, at every studio, and not a single one has ever even tried to touch me, or show me their genitals, or even made a slight pass.”

Many actresses are stepping up recently, with accusations against major Hollywood players, including Harvey Weinstein, former head of The Weinstein Company, who has since been fired and even release from The Academy over accusations of sexual assault.

“I’ve worked with Harvey, and he was fine with me, but I definitely believe what these other women are saying,” said the actress. “You have to understand that Hollywood is a machine of pure sex. People use it to make or break their careers, and that’s not even getting into how deep it can go when we’re talking about child actors, and pedophilia.”

The news comes as a major shock that an actress, who did reveal that she is an Oscar winner and has worked in Hollywood for more than two decades, has never been assaulted.

“Frankly, I’m surprised to find that any woman hasn’t been raped in Hollywood, so it’s definitely a surprise,” said a top film producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve worked with a lot of women over the years, and I’ve definitely at least gave them a quick grope or flashed myself, or sent a dick pic. So it’s really kind of crazy to find out there’s one that we haven’t gotten to yet.”

Gritty, R-Rated ‘Carmen Sandiego’ Movie Begins Production In October

carmen

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego was a popular children’s game and TV show, which taught geography and history to kids in the early 90s. Several other offshoots of the Carmen Sandiego character have appeared over time, and it was announced today in Variety magazine that a new, gritty version of the character is coming to the big screen.

“All the kids loved Carmen, but those kids have grown up, many with children of their own now,” said Lionsgate CEO Mark Miller. “We thought about the property, and decided that a gritty, dark, violent version of the character would really appeal to those adults who grew up with her on TV and on the computer. This was a major deal for us, and a huge property to acquire.”

Miller says that the character is being revamped and rebooted to be more of a sultry, violent, superhero like spy.

“She’s a former stripper-turned-private eye, so she knows how to use her body as well as her fists, to get to the ‘bad guys,'” said Miller. “The script is being written by Quentin Tarantino, who is a big fan of the original TV show, as well as the cartoon series from the 90s.”

Tarantino is known for his violent characters in most films, including extremely badass female characters such as The Bride in his Kill Bill films.

“We know he will do a terrific job on the story,” said Miller. “If things pan out, we may even have him direct.”

Channing Tatum Says He Still Has To Sleep With Pacifer

Channing Tatum, everyone's favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along
Channing Tatum, everyone’s favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along

LOS ANGELES, California – 

One of the manliest hunks in Hollywood today, Channing Tatum, says that he still sleeps with the pacifier that he has had since he was a baby, and that it’s the “only way” he can fall asleep at night.

“Honestly, I have tried ditching the thing a million times, but I just can’t get use to sleeping with my little binky,” said Tatum. “I wish that I could. It’s really embarrassing that I have to deal with it, but at this point, I’m just too old to call it quits.”

Tatum says that over the years, he’s had to have orthodontic surgery at least a dozen times to correct the overbite that the pacifier causes.

“Sucking your thumb, or a pacifier, or anything, over long periods of time, causes your mouth to change shape, and I’ve had to have surgery to fix my jaw and upper plate several times,” said Tatum. “I don’t want my face to change too much. The dentists see dollar signs when I walk in. But it’s worth it, honestly. I love my bink, and my wife is used to it. I just really hope that my kids don’t take on the same habits that I have.”

Hollywood Says That They Are ‘Done’ Making Reboots, Remakes; Original Content Only Starting 2017

LA

LOS ANGELES, California – 

All the major studios in Hollywood, including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and more, released a joint announcement today saying that they have “heard the call” of the movie fan, and will no longer be rebooting or remaking films, and plan to release nothing but original films and content going forward.

“People have been complaining a lot, and the internet is really the most important fan we have,” read the statement. “We have listened, and starting in 2017, there will be no more reboots from any of our studios. No remakes, either. We will still have sequels, because they’re built-in audiences that are usually cash cows, but no longer will we decide to make a movie based on another movie that is only 10 years old, that itself was based on a comic or TV series that was only 3 years old.”

The internet let out a collective yell of celebration at the news, praising Hollywood filmmakers for the first time since Avatar was released.

“Finally, they’re doing something right, and listening to what we want,” said Kip Hendrix, who says he ‘loves movies more than sluts love dick.’ “I’m so glad that I will never again have to see a movie in anticipation of another version of it being released by the time I get home from the theatre. Hollywood has sucked lately, and this is going to fix it.”

Women Use Pubic Hair In New Nail Designs

pubic hair

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood has always been at the forefront of crazy trends, but this latest one might just be the most bizarre. According to fashion magazine and website GirlLooks, women are shaving their pubic hair and forming it into crazy, hairy fingernail designs.

“Hair is sexy, but hair down there is definitely not,” said fashion mogul Jerard DuPre. “But, if you take that pussy hair, and you trim it, and you comb it, and you soften it with the most luxurious conditioners, and then you glue it to your fingernails, you will be a bombshell.”

DuPre says that he came up with the technique after seeing how much hair was wasted at his Hollywood salon.

“Women come in all the time for new hairdos, waxings, and bikinis,” said DuPre. “We were throwing away pounds of hair a week. Now, we take the hair from the nether-regions and repurpose it. The trend caught on better than I ever could have imagined.”

Major stars including Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Kardashian, and even Barbara Walters have all been seen using their pussy hair as nail trimmings.

“It’s beautiful, and all women at the forefront of fashion and trends are doing it,” said DuPre.

Steven Spielberg Announces 5th ‘Indiana Jones’ Film Titled ‘Search For The Medicaid’

jones

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Harrison Ford has just signed on for the 5th, and perhaps final, installment in the original Indiana Jones series, according to producer and director Steven Spielberg. Spielberg, who is a spry 69-years-old, will direct Ford in the outing, slated for release in 2019. Ford will be a wrinkled 76-years-old upon the film’s release.

“I know I can’t do these forever, and if it wasn’t Steven making it again, I wouldn’t be bothered,” said Ford. “They tell me that this film is about Jones’ search for his missing Medicaid card. Sounds about right to me. At my age, I’m just not as limber and mobile as I used to be. Should be a really exciting adventure.”

“We’re going to be visiting some amazing locales in this movie, including Jones’ bathroom, his bedroom, and the living room couch, as he searches for his insurance card,” said Spielberg. “This is going to be the most action-packed film that a nearly 80-year-old man could ever hope to star in.”

The movie, being produced by LucasFilms, will be a summer tent-pole, as fans are just about as eager for the film as can be expected for a series this beloved.

“I mean yeah, I guess I’ll see it eventually,” said Roger Joy, 38. “I grew up with the originals. Crystal Skull kind of sucked, but as long as Harrison Ford doesn’t have to interact with the walking mannequin that is Shia LeBeouf in this one, it will be okay. I’ll at least catch it on Netflix.”

Owen Wilson Says He Plans On Finally Getting Nose Job

wilson

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Actor Owen Wilson, the uglier, slightly funnier brother of actor Luke Wilson that you probably know from movies like Wedding Crashers and The Internship, has announced that he finally plans on fixing his nose, which has bothered audiences for year.

“I have decided that the time is right, and I will be undergoing rhinoplasty to fix this monstrosity of a nose on my face,” said Wilson. “I’ve played the comedian long enough, and my agent has told me that if I ever want to be taken seriously, I should try and take better care of my looks, so I am.”

Wilson has been acting for decades, and has a net worth of nearly $40 million from starring in hit films, but has always maintained his hideous facial feature.

“I’m so glad that he’s wising up and having the surgery,” said Wilson fan Mario Jones. “He would be so much better in movies if he wasn’t so damn hard to look at.”

“I think that it’s really courageous of him to talk about how ugly he’s been in public like this,” said Maria Jackson, another fan. “I always thought he would be so yummy if only he wasn’t so damn fugly. Now his brother Luke? Mmmmh, honey – I’d eat the crack of that man’s ass, lordy lordy, he’s fine!”

Kanye West Admits He’s In Debt Due To Kim Kardashian Mobile Video Game

westhollywood

LOS ANGELES, California – 

A short time ago, Kanye West announced that he was over $50 million dollars in debt, and now, he’s coming out with the truth about what has caused his extreme downfall in wealth.

“Kim’s damn Android game, man. That shit cost me a fortune, and I can’t kick it. I just can’t,” said Kanye. “I know I tweeted back in October that any game that charges real world money was horrible, but it’s my wife’s damn game. I had to try it. And now, here I am.”

Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game available on the iTunes and Android app stores that allow people to pretend to be Kim, going on shopping sprees and doing all sort of extremely inane tasks. The game is free to download and play, but many of the game’s items need to be unlocked using real world money.

“I tried to stop playing, but I couldn’t,” said Kanye. “I needed to have the nicer car. Then I wanted all the fancy clothes. Then I wanted more new cars. The bigger house. All that shit, man, you gotta unlock it buy making in-app purchases. Before I knew it, I’d spent a million dollars.”

West says that over the last 6 months of playing the game, he’s spent more than $53 million dollars in real-world money on app purchases.

“I know I don’t say this as often as I should, but I need some serious fucking help,” said West.

‘Labyrinth’ Reboot To Use CGI Version of David Bowie As Star

bowie

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Last week, Tri-Star Pictures announced that they would be working with Jim Henson Co. to create a reboot of the 80s classic film Labyrinth, which starred Jennifer Connelly and the late David Bowie. In the film, Connelly’s character wishes that her baby brother would be taken away by the Goblin King, played by Bowie.

“The original is such a classic staple of many people’s lives,” said Tri-Star CEO Joel Briggs. “We want to recreate that magic again, but without someone as amazing and…regal as David Bowie to play Jarreth the Goblin King, we weren’t sure we wanted to go ahead with our planned reboot.”

Briggs says that after discussing it with the studio’s in-house effects department, they have decided that the best course of action is to re-create Bowie’s original character using CGI special effects.

“No one could pull of playing that part in the way that Bowie did, and at this point, we don’t want to spend years searching for something we know we can’t find,” said Briggs. “We’ve come to an agreement with the Henson company that we will be digitally creating David Bowie as Jarreth for the reboot of the Labyrinth film.”

“I think it’s an amazing idea, because they’re right – no one could play that part like Bowie did,” said Donnie Lewis, a production gaffer who was hired to work on the new film. “I grew up with that film, with those characters, and no one could have the grace or magic that David Bowie had. No one. He was the ultimate superstar.”

Bill Murray Condemned By Religious-Right After Publicly Denouncing God

murray

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.

Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”

Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”

Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”

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