Temporary Tattoos Laced With LSD Found In Indiana Elementary School

temptats

SELLERSBURG, Indiana – 

Police say that a packet of temporary tattoos featuring children’s cartoon characters such as Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer that had been laced with LSD were found in an elementary school in Indiana Friday afternoon.

Police Chief Joel Miller explains that a young girl was taken to the hospital after putting one of the tattoos on in the school bathroom.

“Temporary tattoos usually work by place the image on your skin, and rubbing the back with water,” said Chief Miller. “In the case of these LSD-laced tattoos, as soon as the image is placed face-down on the child’s skin, the drug begins to soak into their system. This little girl was lucky, as she only had it on for a minute before she said she ‘felt funny,’ and was rushed to the ER.”

Police say that they do not know where the drug-laced tattoos came from, and that the young girl says that she simply found a baggy of them in the bathroom.

“At this time, we are investigating the origins of the tattoos, and have temporarily closed the school while we canvas the building for any other drugs or paraphernalia,” said Chief Miller.

Man Hospitalized After Stealing Wife’s Breast Milk, Using It To Dunk Cookies

breastmilk

BANGOR, Maine –

A man in Maine was hospitalized with severe stomach issues after it was discovered that he was using his wife’s breast milk to dunk his cookies into.

Thomas Towner, 30, had apparently been sneaking into the family kitchen for weeks, dunking his favorite Girl Scout cookies into glasses of his wife, Vanessa’s, breast milk.

“We just had our first baby, and Vanessa has been pumping non-stop,” said Thomas. “We have a massive surplus of it in the fridge and freezer. I accidentally got a little on my hand one time while feeding the baby, and I just licked it off, without really thinking about it. It was delicious. Ever since, I can’t get enough of the stuff.”

Doctors say that they pumped more than a gallon of breast milk out of Thomas’ stomach.

“Breast milk is rich with nutrients and minerals, and it’s good for babies – not so much for adults, though,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Maine General Hospital. “Mr. Towner had been drinking so much of the stuff, it was poisoning his body. We do not at all recommend drinking your own, or your wife’s, breast milk. Save that stuff for the baby. They need it more than you.”

Bear Grylls Hospitalized With Urine Poisoning

bear grylls

McMURDO STATION, Antarctica – 

Edward Michael “Bear” Grylls, an explorer who is best known for his TV series Man Vs. Wild, was reportedly hospitalized while on a trek in Antarctica. Reports indicate that Grylls was rushed to a facility in McMurdo Station after complaining of violent stomach cramps.

“When he arrived, Mr. Grylls was in severe pain, and we ran multiple tests,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the McMurdo General Hospital. “In questioning him, we discovered that it was quite common for him to drink his own urine while on his treks. When we checked, his urea-levels were off the charts.”

According to Brown, it is actually not completely unsafe to drink your own urine, as it is mostly water, sodium, and potassium, but that you can only do so once, maybe twice, before your urine becomes poisonous.

“You could wake up tomorrow, and drink your pee, and you’d be fine,” said Brown. “You could probably drink your next pee, too. After that, you’re starting to drink pee that has gone through your system multiple times, and that is going to cause problems. That is what happened to Mr. Grylls.”

At the time of this writing, Grylls was still hospitalized, and was having his system flushed with clean, clear liquids.

“We highly recommended that Mr. Grylls no longer drinks his own pee,” said Brown.

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

CAMDEN, New Jersey – empire-news-camden-teenager-hospitalized-for-facebook-withdrawals-social-media-shakes

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

 

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Famous Hollywood actor Edward Norton was hospitalized this morning after reportedly overdosing on heroin. Norton claims he is researching a role in an upcoming film in which he plays an heroin addict.

When I take on a role, I take it all the way,” said Norton. “For Fight Club I learned to fight; I even went to bars and picked fights with guys just to get experience. For American History X, I bulked up and joined a skinhead group all in the name of research. Now that I’m going to play an heroin addict, it should come as no surprise to people that I started using heroin, only for research of course. I didn’t mean to overdose, but I guess thats part of the learning curve of being an addict. I’ve got to say, heroin is really, really good. I guess that’s how I ended up using too much, in the name of research. I want to thank all my fans for their well wishes and I’ll be alright once I get out of the hospital, so I can continue to research my role some more.”

“I have no idea what he is talking about,” said Norton’s agent, Saul Ruben. ”If there was a movie deal I would know about it. I certainly didn’t get him the deal. I find it a little odd that he’s researching something that no one has heard of. I’ll tell you though – he’s as method as they come. Seriously. For Death To Smoochy, he used to really wear his purple suit around, months at a time, and would only talk to children. He also beat the shit out of Robin Williams on a regular basis, just to keep them hating each other. He’s an extreme actor.”

“His career was in the toilet until Birdman came out last year, and now he’s on the fast track to win an Oscar. I was hoping he was making a comeback,” said movie critic Carmine Classi. ”Maybe he’s on to something, though. Next time my wife catches me cheating, I’ll tell her I’m researching infidelity.”

 

Boxer Muhammad Ali, 72, Loses A Fight With Pneumonia

PARADISE VALLEY, Arizona – Boxer Muhammad Ali, 72, Loses Fight Against Pneumonia

World-famous champion boxer Muhammad Ali has reportedly been dealt a knockout blow by a case of Pneumonia. The former heavyweight, 72, was taken to an undisclosed hospital after private doctors in his home where unable to properly treat him for the fluid in his lungs.

“Ali is a hell of a fighter. One day he was floating around like a butterfly, and the next, it was stinging when he’d breathe,” said Ali’s doctor Charles DeMar. “We tried the normal care of a severe flu and pneumonia, rest and antibiotics, but we just couldn’t take care of him well enough in his home. He’s a tough old bastard, though. Hell, instead of being driven in an ambulance, he actually walked the 8 miles to the hospital.”

Doctors say that Ali’s case of pneumonia was caught very early, and that he should be fine in just a couple of days.

“Pneumonia was kicking his ass, at first, and in all honesty, he did lose that first fight when he ended up in the hospital,” said a family friend. “It KO’d him for sure. But Ali, he can go plenty more rounds, even at his age. He’s going to get back in that ring against his poor health, and he’ll knock that pneumonia right the hell out…of his lungs, that is! Doctors say he should be on his way home in no time. He’s an inspiration to everyone, everywhere.”

Ali, who has suffered from Parkinson’s syndrome since his diagnosis in 1984, retired from boxing in 1979, and had his last official fight in December of 1981.

 

 

College Student Excused From Classes After Dog Eats Grandmother

empire-news-pitbull-attacks-grandmother-student-excused-miami-ohioOXFORD, OH– 

A student at Miami Ohio University is receiving a lot of attention after a letter he wrote to his professor went viral.

According to the letter, the student, Joseph Goldsmith, claimed that his dog, “ate my grandmother” the night before his final exam.

The letter was thought to be a joke but it turned out that his grandmother actually was attacked and seriously injured by his dog, a pitt bull named Gator.

The seemingly absurd letter was posted online and soon went viral after photos of the grandmother covered in stitches were posted.

 

Emailed the distraught student to his professor:

Prof. Neudhardt,

I wont be able to make the exam today because my dog ate my grandmother, who was receiving radiation treatments and might have irradiated my dog, Gator, who is currently being hospitalized at the vet.

Can I come in on Thursday to take the exam, once my dog is released from the hospital?

Prof. Neudhardt is expected to excuse the student from the exam on Monday, pending proof of the diseased grandmother’s condition.

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