Hottest Summer On Record To Hit By May, Buy Your A/C Units Now

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

Meteorologists are predicting the hottest summer in the history of recorded temperatures, with most of the United States expected to be steadily in the 100+ degree range by the middle of May, with temperatures topping nearly 150 in some areas by August.

“If you don’t have several new, good, working air conditioning units in your home, then I’d go out and buy them immediately,” said meteorologist Joel Simmons, who works for WMUX TV out of Phoenix. “We are already seeing temperatures in the 80s. By next month, you’re going to be melting, and I’m almost being literal.”

As global warming reaches new heights, the weather is expected to stay steadily dry, which will add to the warm feeling.

“Even as temperatures hit over 100 degrees, it’s going to feel even hotter. You do not want to get stuck not having air conditioning, no matter where you live in the country,” said Simmons. “A normal pricing for an air conditioning unit is anywhere from $100 to $300 dollars. You can bet those prices will be triple or more this year.”

‘Farmer’s Almanac’ Predicts Hottest Summer Ever; Temperature To Reach 140 Degrees

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CARLSON, Indiana –

The Old Farmer’s Almanac, which has been predicting weather patterns better than your local meteorologist for decades, states that summer of 2016 will be the hottest on record, with scorching heat and humidity that will make many parts of the United States and Canada reach temperatures that were previously unheard of, with some areas consistently reaching 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

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“It’s that damn global warming that’s to blame for this mess,” said old farmer Macdonald. “I’ve had my farm here with my chickens, goats, cows, and all them for what seems like forever. Looks like this year I will have to figure out a new plan. With the way that heat will be coming, all my animals will surely cook out in the fields. Guess I’ll have me some meats, though.”

Each summer, hundreds of people, usually elderly and small children, die from heat stroke or sun-related illnesses. This year, medical professionals are predicting that number will likely be somewhere in the mid-10,000 range.

“We treated 198 people for sunstroke last year in our hospital, and that was just a normal year,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Miami-Dade Medical Center. “This year, with the way the outreach forecast is looking, we are expecting to treat upwards of 1,000 at our center alone. Frankly, we know for sure that lot won’t make it.”

It may only be February, but doctors and weathermen are all suggesting that you buy new air conditioners now, before they are too hard to come by.

Toddler Hospitalized With 2nd Degree Burns From Radiant Heat Flooring

RIVERSIDE, Connecticut – Toddler Hospitalized With 2nd Degree Burns From Radiant Heat Flooring

2-year-old Todd Calais has been admitted to Washington Valley Medical Center due to burns found on his legs and arms apparently caused by radiant heat flooring. The popular, and fairly inexpensive, home-heating system is commonly used in New England homes to keep people’s feet warm on cold winter mornings. With a temperature gauge that only reaches 90° it is baffling doctors that this was even possible.

Sgt. Carl Roderickson of the Riverside Police Department says a call came in around 6:13 PM on Sunday evening, when the mother of the 2-year-old, Elizabeth Calais, reported he had been badly burned by a portion of their floor. To the surprise of EMS officials, the young boy was attached to the floor when they arrived, his skin melting directly to the floor almost as though an epoxy was used to glue him down. Calais said she had been applying cool water and ice to ease the pain, however it took multiple people to move the boy into the ambulance.

“We ended up just cutting up a chunk of the flooring, and carrying both Todd and the floor that he was stuck to right out to the ambulance,” said paramedic Joe Goldsmith. “It was really abnormal, but thankfully out here you’re never too far from someone with a power-saw and a hankering to use it.”

Local police are investigating the incident, and have assure the media that Todd’s safety is top priority. Connecticut DHHS workers have been involved assessing the child’s condition, and so far have found no wrong-doing on the part of the parents.

“It’s the craziest thing. I didn’t know that something like this could happen, but it’s definitely something that I never want to have to deal with again,” said Goldsmith. “I have no idea how they got that floor so hot, but I tell ya, when I was in there, the rubber on the bottom of my shoes started melting if I stood in one spot too long.”

“Yeah, I guess we kind of overdid it with the whole floor heating thing,” said Calais. “My ex-husband, before he moved out, he tinkered with it a bit. He was a tinkerer, that’s for sure. Caught him tinkering with the neighbor’s wife, which is why he’s now an ex. But yeah, his feet got cold a lot, so he got it so that the floor temperature could be whatever we wanted. I guess I must have bumped the thermostat or something. The police said it was up at over 200° when they took the temperature.”

Todd Calais is reportedly doing fine, and the boards were easily removed from his skin once he arrived at the hospital.

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