New York City Restaurant Becomes First To Get License To Serve Human Flesh

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.

“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”

Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.

“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”

Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.

“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”

LOS ANGELES, California –

TV personality Andrew Zimmern, best known as the host of Bizarre Foods, has traveled the entire world eating crazy and outlandish foods, but in a recent episode of the show, filmed as a special for the holidays, Zimmern claims that human flesh, when cooked properly, is the “most delicious” meat you can ever have on your plate.

“I was hesitant to try eating it, because when someone says ‘Hey, do you want to eat some human flesh,’ your immediate reaction is to say ‘Hell no,'” said Zimmern. “But when they bring you a plate, and it looks and smells delicious, you definitely want to give it a try. So I did, and it’s the greatest food I’ve ever eaten, bar none.”

Zimmern says that while filming in Bangladesh, the extremely underground delicacy was presented to him, but Travel Channel prohibited the segment from being filmed.

“They had something against actual, filmed cannibalism,” said Zimmern. “I have no idea why. It’s probably something of the legalities of it, but hell, I wasn’t in the United States, so why does it matter? At any rate, they flame-broiled me a piece of someone’s ass, and I have to say, it was decidedly the best ass I’ve ever eaten. If I were starving, Donner Party-style, I’d dig right into whatever ass was closest to me. Fried, flambéed, baked – hell, I’d eat that ass raw with a spoon if I could.”

Zimmern says that although the human flesh was delicious, it did give him extreme gas afterwards.