Old Juggalo Says He’s Worried About The Future Generation of Lil’ Juggalos

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PONTIAC, Michigan –

55-year-old Kevin Anderson has been a self-proclaimed juggalo for over two decades, but says that young juggalos who are just coming into the family aren’t going to continue with the positive  message that they’ve always been about. According to Anderson, whose Juggalo name is “Klown Syndrome,” the new kids just don’t understand.

From The Hard Times:

“Frankly, I’m worried for our future,” said the outspoken Syndrome. “These Millennial Juggalos don’t know their asses from their elbows! They’re a bunch of assed-out tricks who don’t have the work ethic to hatchet their way out of a wet paper bag.”

Syndrome admitted his worry grew after attending last summer’s Gathering of the Juggalos.

“It was some straight Jugga-ho behavior, to be completely honest with you,” noted Syndrome. “This one youngin’ was talkin’ shit about how Faygo’s loaded with high fructose corn syzurup or some shit, and that we should try drinking water every once in a while. That’s some seriously wack shit. For real.”

Syndrome blames parents in his age group for raising a generation of coddled, entitled “Juggaflakes.”

“Back in the day, we worked for what we wanted. Nobody handed me anything when I was coming up. Nowadays, these young Juggs show up demanding blunts and whip-its like they grow on trees or something,” barked Syndrome. “They’re lucky I don’t straight up whoop they scrub asses.”

Old timers in other musical gangs, including those in the KISS Army, say they, too, can relate to the struggle, but remain hopefully that the next generation will eventually follow suit.

New Law To Force Pregnant ‘Juggalettes’ To Have Abortions; Gov’t Wants To Avoid Breeding New ICP Fans

pregnant

WASHINGTON, D.C – 

A new law that would force pregnant fans of the rap group Insane Clown Posse, otherwise known as “Juggalettes,” to have abortions is striking a nerve with those who say it takes away their fundamental rights to listen to bad music.

“No one is out there, telling Kid Rock fans that they have to have abortions, and if ever there were an abomination of music, it’s Kid Rock,” said Juggalo Mike “Ballswrecka” Fleming. “I got mad clown love for my homie and bitch Tasty Flavamaka, and she’s pregnant with our fifth little little juggalo homie. Ain’t no muthafuckin government fascist telling me I can’t have more babies, bitch. Whoop Whoop.”

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“We are within our legal right to force pregnant juggalos, or ‘juggalettes,’ as they call them, to get an abortion,” said White House spokesman Daniel Bond. “ICP followers, these clown thugs, they’re a gang, and gangs are not allowed to co-mingle. When you have a woman, who is an ICP fan for some reason, carrying a child who they plan to raise to also, ugh, be an ICP fan, then you’ve got two fans, and that’s a gathering. Gathering of gang members is forbidden by law.”

According to the new law, anyone who has ever been to a Gathering of the Juggalos event, or to an ICP concert, or who currently owns any ICP CDs or merchandise, will not be allowed to be pregnant.

“If you are pregnant currently and consider yourself an ICP fan, then you will be required to receive an abortion,” said Bond. “If you are too far along to have an abortion based on current state and federal laws, then you will be asked to give your baby up for adoption so that it may be raised in a healthy, happy environment.”

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

DETROIT, Michigan – Insane Clown Posse Member 'Violent J' Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.

Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision That Categorizes Them As Gang Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision Naming Them Gang Members

In a recent Supreme Court verdict, a judge upheld the decision made by the US Government that had declared “Juggalos,” super-fans of the musical group Insane Clown Posse, to be classified as gang members.  Thousands of fans, who say that they are more of a “family” than a gang, are disgusted by this verdict.

The Insane Clown Posse, or ICP, have been making music together since 1985.  With two platinum and five gold albums, they have a fan base in the hundreds of thousands.

“We always knew we would be huge woop woop,” ICP frontman Shaggy 2 Dope says.  “It was just a matter of time before we made it big.  This whole gang s*** is really getting us down. Just because we talk about this stuff all the time, it’s only about family.  All the Juggalos and Juggalettes are my family, whether I know them or not.  They would die for us, and kill for us, and we would do the same for them.”

The recent court ruling decided that anyone associated with the Juggalos are members of a gang.

“These Juggalos go around, talking about killing people and rape and they think that’s okay,” Says FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler. ” They do this all while being painted up like clowns and in large groups.  Someone walking by overhears it and gets uncomfortable, it is a no brainer to me that this is gang-like behavior.  Strength in numbers and what not.”

The Juggalo community is quite split on the decision, some have always looked at it as a gang, while others just look at it as a community.

“Woop woop, I don’t get why all dis s*** is being stirred over us mother f***ers.  We just doing our thang WOOP WOOP.” Says Juggalo Curtis Brown, who goes by his ‘Juggalo Name’ Mizta Nut Busta.  “I ain’t never f***in kill n***as, I just f***ing sing da shit dey sing woop woop.  We’s a family and that’s it, none of us has ever killed n***as or f***ed s*** up fo’ no reason, we ain’t like that.”

Apparently, not all Juggalos are on the same page about what being a fan of ICP, and being a Juggalo itself, even means.

“Man we always been a gang.  We ain’t never wanted nothing but to kill s*** and f*** s*** up.  I just smoke mah weed, rock my faygo, and spray b****es with my sperm, woop woop,” Said ‘Masta-Bata 187,’ a Juggalo from Detroit.

In a stunning reaction to the ruling, hundreds of Juggalos and Juggaletes flooded the streets with signs and face paint, protesting the court ruling.

“I have never seen such a seemingly motley crew organize so quickly,”  Says famous Anthropologist Napoleon Chagnon.  “They seem like a variable hodgepodge of Mongoloids that don’t seem capable of doing anything but smoking pot and listening to bad music.  I am not sure that this protest will help their cause, because they keep throwing out gang signs and their faces are all painted.  It is pretty much just an excuse to get drunk and party in public with signs.”

As of the writing of this article, it is unclear whether representatives for ICP actually filed the appeal, or if they were too busy getting high and just thought they filed them.

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