Facebook Releasing Option To Block Foreigners From Friend Requesting You

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

People should be careful about unusual friend requests on Facebook because most of them are scams, according to an expert. University of South Florida information systems professor Brandon Gill said that people should be cautious when getting requests from others they don’t know.

“In many cases, the reason these persons are friend requesting people are scams, including trying to steal people’s identities. Often though, they are just foreigners who want to practice their English, and that can be even worse.”

Although Facebook has options in the privacy settings to block people from friend requesting a user, many want to make new friends, but not filter through people with names like Миша Петров, Arablife Mike, and Sarkar Deepankar.

Facebook user Jessie Rose is excited about the new options. “I used a picture of a hot chick as my profile pic so I get a lot of friend requests. I am so tired of weeding through the Sayeeds and Aashrafs. Sometimes I accidentally click accept, and it’s annoying to have to go through and delete these guys. I only want to get hit on by people in the United States.”

Donald Trump’s Secret Sex Tape Leaks To Internet

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

During one of the most bizarre campaign races of all time, Republican hairpiece Donald Trump has suffered a possible blow to his chances of becoming the next leader of the Free World. A sex tape, reportedly leaked by one of Trump’s aides, shows The Donald vigorously masturbating to his own reflection in a hotel mirror.

“Oh yeah, who’s going to be the president? WHO is going to BE the BEST DAMN PRESIDENT EVER?!” Trump asks himself in the tape, while winking and making odd faces at himself in what appears to be a Hilton hotel mirror. He also makes several racist remarks about Mexican immigrants, and talks tirelessly of money. The video, which is 87 minutes long, is thought to have been secretly recorded while Trump has been on the campaign trail.

“It’s the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Joe Goldsmith, a democrat from Utah. “I saw it floating around online last night, and curiosity got the better of me. You would think you wouldn’t want to see Donald Trump yanking on his old dick, but I tell you what, you’d be wrong. I may vote for the guy now just because it was so damn funny.”

According to Trump’s campaign staff, they have been working tirelessly to have the video removed from the numerous websites it appeared on late Saturday evening, but it has proved “almost fruitless.”

“Frankly, we just can’t catch up to all the places it is appearing,” said Trump campaign manager Mick Rogers. “I think at this point, we may just embrace it. I mean hell, who hasn’t jerked off to their own reflection once or twice, am I right?”

Trump is currently leading in the polls for the Republican party.

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

“We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”

Newly Appointed Texas Sheriff Promises To ‘Look The Other Way’ On Crimes Against Illegals

Posted on November 27, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BROOKS COUNTY, Texas –

Sheriff “Big Roy” Wayne of Brooks County, Texas almost single-handedly declared an open hunting season on illegal immigrants in his county when he released a statement to the press yesterday morning announcing that he would be ‘looking the other way’ on crimes against illegal immigrants in his county. The announcement has brought both praise from Texas locals, and promise of lawsuits from human rights groups and the ACLU.

”If President Obama can pick and choose which laws he wants to enforce, so can I, because in Brooks County I am the law. I choose to ignore crimes against illegals, not because I hate them, but because we can’t afford them,” said Sheriff Wayne. “Obama lets them cross the border, I can’t stop that, but I can make it so uncomfortable here they steer clear of my county. We ain’t got enough jobs for our citizens, we have good people, tax payers who want me to do something about the illegal problem.

Wayne said that he isn’t expecting that anyone literally go out and kill illegal immigrants, but that a little rough-housing might make them think twice before sneaking in.

“Now, I ain’t saying I want anyone killing them illegals, but smack them around a little – sure, that’s okay. Beat them up real good, take what little belongings they have – Hell, why not? They’re taking from you, so take it back. Once word gets out about my plans, I am hoping that illegals will avoid Brooks County and we can get this ugliness behind us. Tomorrow, volunteers will be putting up signs all around the county that say, in Mexican, ‘U.S. Citizens Only – All Others Will Be Removed Violently! You Are Not Welcome In Brooks County!'”

“If you commit a crime against an illegal, that’s wrong, but if you’re an illegal, that’s wrong – so I guess two wrongs can make a right!” said United States Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s so genius, I wish I had thought of that. Vote for me for President, and I’ll make that the law of the land!”

New Evidence Reveals True Purpose of Great Wall Of China

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BEIJING, China –

Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.

“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”

According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”

”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”