New Implant Can Alert You Via Text Message When Your Spouse Is Cheating

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A new microchip developed by NASA researchers will soon be released to market, which will allow people to keep tabs on their spouse, and receive text messages when they are cheating.

“The technology works on perspiration and saliva,” said creator Martin Deen, of NASA. “When the chip is implanted, secretly, by the spouse of a cheater, the implant will automatically pair with the person’s body, recognizing their DNA. When the chip notices that another person’s sweat, saliva, semen, blood, or other bodily fluid is recognized, then it automatically sends a text message to a programmed number as proof that the carrier is, indeed, cheating.”

So far, researchers have sold about 200 units to women and men who expect that their partner is cheating, and the results have been wonderful.

“The offending spouse never even knew how they got caught, but in the end, it always catches them red handed,” said Deen.

Deen says that the chip will work best if implanted into somewhere such as the penis or vagina, for maximum effect.

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an exclusive interview with Newsmonth Magazine last week, Caitlyn Jenner says that she is interested in taking the next step in becoming a woman. Although Jenner has clearly undertaken several surgeries to change the look of her face, she has reportedly stopped short of some of the “larger” surgeries one would undergo to fully transition from man to woman. Apparently, though, this hasn’t stopped Jenner from jumping a few steps, and going straight into surgical implantation of a fetus.

“I don’t know where they’re putting it just yet,” said Jenner to Newsmonth. “There are some scientific things to work out, and there are some biological things that we’re working out, but at my age and with my birth-assigned gender, going through a surgery to have a fetus implanted is the only way I can become a mom.”

“I have no idea why Dad…Mom…Caitlyn…I have no idea why the person formally known as Bruce Jenner would want to go through a pregnancy, or whatever this would be, at his…her…aw hell, I don’t know what pronoun to use,” said Jenner’s son Joey Jenner. “The hell with it. This entire idea is stupid, every bit of it. I’m okay with Dad becoming a woman; whatever, it’s his…ugh, it’s her life. But this is just stupid. What a health risk.”

Doctors say that there is no logical reason they can’t implant Jenner with a fetus, they just also have to implant a uterus, a bunch of other “internal organ” type things, and possibly a birth canal and a vagina.

“I think that Caitlyn Jenner is a marvel of the modern age,” said Dr. Harris Millstead, Jenner’s surgeon. “Bruce Jenner was an Olympian, and he was on a Wheaties box. Caitlyn Jenner won an ESPY and was on the cover of Vanity Fair. Obviously, Jenner has lived a life more full than anyone in the history of the universe. If she wants a baby, then by the powers of medical science, I will give her a damn baby.”

“Frankly, I wish we could just stop talking about her all together,” said Fred Myers, a random person we questioned on the street. “Who cares? Why is Jenner a hero for doing with thousands and thousands of other people did before her? Why is she winning awards for ‘courage’ when she hasn’t done anything courageous? Oh, because her PR team worked out a deal with ABC and ESPN for her to get that award on TV. That’s right. Just like everything else in Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner is all about packaging herself. This will make for a great episode of I Am Caitlin, that’s obvious.”

Truer words were never spoken.