Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

Child Kills Parents With Axe After They Turn Off Internet As Punishment

axe

REGINALD, Maryland – 

A 12-year-old boy has been arrested and taken into policy custody for allegedly killing his parents with an axe on Thursday evening.

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Caleb Dryer was reportedly upset with his parents after they turned off the home internet when Caleb brought home his final report card with several failing grades.

“Those assholes know I can’t live without Facebook, and it wasn’t fair. If I can’t live without getting online, then they don’t get to live at all,” Caleb reportedly said to police.

So far, officers have not released much information on the murders, except to say that they were “gruesome and shocking.”

Attorney John Frugal, who is representing the state in the case against Caleb, says that his remorseless attitude will very likely land him a life sentence.

Woman In Kansas Becomes Last In Country To Use Dial-Up Internet Service

internet

ROGERS, Kansas –

Maryanne Richards is not new to the world wide web. In fact, she’s had a computer with internet access in her home since December of 1998, when her brother gave her his old Dell for Christmas and signed her up for NetZero, an internet service provider who used to offer free dial-up internet service to its customers.

The thing about Richards, though, is that since 1998 she has been using that same Dell laptop and her same free NetZero dial-up subscription. While everyone else has upgraded to high-speed internet through cable or telephone providers, Ms. Richards says she has no reason to “speed through the web.”

“I’ve never been a woman who needed to get where she was going lightning fast. I am too old now, especially, and too set in my ways to worry about upgrading and fast speed interwebs and the ePads and the smartyphones, and all that nonsense.”

Richards was recently contacted by NetZero, who long ago switched to offering DSL based broadband internet, to let her know she was the last person on their network still using the antiquated dial-up system.

“They contact me every month or so, asking me to get into their new packages. I don’t wanna any of it. This dial-in service is all free, and I don’t mind the ads that pop up all the time. Usually they’re about pills I don’t need because I don’t need a bigger erection,” said Richards.

NetZero representatives say that are actually willing to offer to upgrade Richards to a new, faster service and keep her at the free monthly subscriber rate she’s had for the last 18 years. Plus, as a long-time customer they offered to gift her with a brand new Windows 10 laptop, but even to that Ms. Richards has passed.

“Nope, nope. Just let me be. Between you media people, the NetZero people, and my grandkids, I get enough hounding about my old technology. I don’t want to get anything new. Besides, why would they want to give me Windows number 8 when I’m already using Windows number 95?”

13-Year-Old Being Cyberbullied Shuts Down Computer, Goes Outside To Play

Teenager using smartphone in basketball court.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Bobby Jennings is your average, 13-year-old teen. He enjoys hanging out with friends, going to the movies, posting on Facebook, and has a blog on Tumblr. But 2 months ago, things for Bobby changed drastically.

“I posted a funny picture of my on my Tumblr, and I immediately had a bunch of people calling me ugly, telling me I should kill myself. The hashtagged me as #yousofat, things like that,” said Bobby. “For a minute, I was upset. It got really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“He was devastated that kids were making fun of him, and I didn’t know how to help him,” said Bobby’s mother, Joanne Jennings. “In my day, kids bullied you in the real world, not over the internet. Those were hard times.”

“When my mom told me she used to be bullied, and that she would come home crying every day, it made me sad,” said Bobby. “So It was then that I realized, though, that times for her were different. She was poor growing up, and she couldn’t always afford to do laundry. Sometimes the water was shut off, and she couldn’t shower. She told me all that years ago. But we’re not poor. We have a nice house. I have friends in real life. So it came to me what I should do, and I shut off the computer.”

Bobby says that ever since he shut off the computer, things have been so much better.

“I went outside to play and ride bikes with my friends. We built a tree house. It’s pretty awesome, honestly,” said Bobby. “I’ve felt so much better ever since I got off the internet. I think more kids who are being bullied online should do what I did and, you know, get offline. It’s pretty easy.”

Ted Cruz Admits He Was Zodiac Killer

Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

What started as an internet meme and joke has become a startling reality, as Senator Ted Cruz, presidential hopeful, admitted today that he was, in fact, the Zodiac Killer.

“It was me who killed all those people in California in the late 60s and early 70s,” said Cruz to a room full of shocked reporters. “Yes, I know that I wasn’t actually born until 1970…or was I?”

Cryptic information not withstanding, the internet has run with the admission, and several conspiracy theory websites are in an uproar over the information.

“Obviously what happened is that Ted Cruz wins the election this year, and in his rise to power, he amassed a small fortune. He then used his powers and money to direct government agencies to build him a time machine that he then uses to go back and become the Zodiac Killer,” said conspiracy theorist Airi Shay. “Clearly it’s the only possible explanation. How else could a person who wasn’t even born kill all those people?”

Cruz, so far, has denied any allegations that he is a time traveler.

Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

Congress Shoots Down Net Neutrality, Passes Internet Usage Tax

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

Mother Of Baby Mocked By Internet Memes Says She Would ‘Kill Internet Bullies’

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HENDERSONVILLE, Texas – 

Ann Meyer’s says she is wants to kill the internet bullies who are being cruel to her 4-year-old son, Jameson. He has a rare genetic disorder, causing wide set eyes and a smushed face similar to internet meme Grumpy Cat. His face was used by the internet in a cruel meme making fun of his appearance. It continues to circulate throughout social media, although Meyer has some success in getting it taken down on several occasions.

Jameson was diagnosed with Pfeiffer syndrome, also referred to as craniofacial syndrome, when he was still a baby. The rare genetic disorder impacts growth of the bones in the skull, hands and feet, and sometimes causes neurological defects. Jameson is intellectually normal, but trapped behind a face only a mother could love.

“I told Jameson, ‘we’ll kill them with kindness.’ What else can I do?” says Meyer. “Sure I’d like to whack those cruel bastards in the face with a shovel, but the internet is filled with hateful people like that. Where would I even start?”

US Government To Allow Three-Toed Sloth As Pets

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The internet’s second most loved animal after the cat, the sloth is an animal loved by many, although actually seen – in real life, anyway – by very few people. That will all change starting January 1st, as the US government plans to lift its ban on certain exotic animals, including the furry three-toed sloth.

“The world loves sloths almost as much as they love cute, furry kittens,” said USDA wildlife spokesman Gerard Bole. “After an online petition to allow sloths as pets was signed over 350,000 times on the change.org website, the USDA decided to work with the other branches of the government to establish laws that would allow three-toed sloths to be imported as pets for private citizens.”

In the past, only zoos and animal treatment and research facilities were allowed to import sloths, which reside mostly in central and south America. The new laws will allow anyone to import the sloth to keep as a pet in their own home.

Teen Drowns While Stuck Inside Condom After Performing Internet Challenge

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A 17-year-old teen was reportedly killed performing yet another stupid internet stunt, this one involving condoms filled with water. The “condom challenge,” designed, apparently, to prove that no guy is actually “too big” to wear a condom, involved filling a condom with an excessive amount of water, and then dropping it onto a participant’s head.

“Jessica Moore and her friend, Theresa Jones, were reportedly filming themselves performing the ‘condom challenge,’ and Jessica was killed in the processes, drowning when the condom filled with liquid got stuck around her head,” said police chief Larry Whittum. “This is a stupid and dangerous challenge that has no real merit. Everyone knows that condoms can fit any size penis, and filling a rubber with water and dropping it on someone’s head is not going to bring awareness to anything.”

Police caution that the Condom Challenge can lead to serious injury or, as is the case with poor Jessica Moore, death.

“We strongly advise teens to not perform this challenge, and to certainly not record it and post it online,” said Whittum. “You’re just going to continue to breed other stupid challenges performed by other stupid people like yourselves.”

A sample video of the Condom Challenge. Luckily, this girl survived with only a soaked shirt. Not all will be so lucky. Video contains coarse language.

Internet Sensation ‘Grumpy Cat’ Dies After Losing Bout With Feline Depression

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tardar Sauce, best known as the internet’s “Grumpy Cat,” has reportedly died after committing cat suicide, say sources from within the cat’s entourage. Tardar, the most loved pessimist in the world, had suffered from a severe case of cat depression, and could reportedly no longer handle the pressures of being a meme.

“I am very sad to announce that Tardar Sauce, better known as Grumpy Cat, has died after purposely inhaling and overdosing on an extremely large amount of catnip,” said the cat’s manager, Joey Jones. “There was no note left, because like all cats, Grumpy had no opposable thumbs, but we know she was depressed, and often meowed about taking her own life. It’s sad, as she was so young. I only wish we had gotten her the help she needed.”

“Tardar was a joy to look at, as her face had that great look for anyone who wanted to use a picture of it to make a meme about their crappy day,” said Grumpy Cat superfan Joanne Joyce. “I have Grumpy stuffies, pictures, toys, t-shirts…all sorts of things. It’s sad that she’s gone, but she’s in cat hell now, where all cats go when they die. She’s probably complaining about something as we speak, and that’s beautiful.”

Tardar Sauce rose to popularity after a picture posted of her online went viral, people dubbing her “Grumpy Cat” due to her face, which appeared to be in a perpetual frown due to a case of dwarfism. She would have turned 4 this coming April.

 

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