Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen Was Very Likely An Angry, Closeted Homosexual

mateen

ORLANDO, Florida –

Omar Mateen, the gunman who perpetrated the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the United States early Sunday morning, has reportedly been exposed as a closeted homosexual. As news has come out, it has been alleged that Mateen killed 50 people at a gay club named Pulse, in Orlando, Florida as a show of rampant homophobia that was compensating for his raging homosexuality.

Mateen had been seen at Pulse many times over recent years, and had even been known to use gay dating apps. Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, who says he was often abusive to her, told the New York Daily News that when they wed in 2009, he told her his life had previously included frequent clubbing.

Yusufiy and her fiance, Marcio Dias, appeared on Brazilian television yesterday and told the channel that “Yusufiy told him Mateen had ‘gay tendencies’ and had been called gay in front of her on several occasions by his father.”

In another interview with one of Mateen’s classmates from 2006, a period when both were enrolled in a Florida police academy, the classmate spoke anonymously with Orlando’s WFTV9, telling the station that Mateen had once asked him out on a date.

“We went to a few gay bars with him,” the classmate said, “and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer. The classmate told the paper he thought the killer, who pledged allegiance to ISIS before the shooting spree at the nightclub, was “gay and in the closet.”

“Unfortunately, he couldn’t come out. Whether it was because of his family, his faith, or some other reason, I don’t know,” said another classmate. “All I do know is that no one has that much hatred of gay people unless they secretly want to have a dick slapped in or around their mouth. He may have called 911 to publicly confess his allegiance to ISIS, but alone in the dark, there is no doubt in my mind he was pledging his allegiance to dick.”

Post-Terrorist Attack, Brussels Still Officially #SaferThanATrumpRally

trumprally

BRUSSELS, Belgium – 

Social media has been abuzz the last few weeks with the hashtag #SaferThanATrumpRally, with many folks listing some absurd and dark places that are safer to be than at a Donald Trump rally.

After the attack in Brussels, Belgium, most would assume that they’d rather be anywhere else, but according to social media, even the terrorist-attacked city would be a better place to be than with any view of Donald Trump.

“I’d rather be in Brussels with a shirt with a target on it that says ‘fuck you, Muslim scum’ than ever set foot at a Trump rally,” said New York resident Joel Miller. “I was downtown during 9/11. Scariest time of my life. I’d rather live that all over again, too, than ever be at a Trump rally. The man, and his minions, are mindless, soulless villains.”

As with all tragedies, everyone is standing with Brussels, and an onslaught of support has appeared from all corners of the globe, with many users on social media changing their pictures to a photo of the flag of Belgium in solidarity.

“Donald Trump is a nightmare. I’ve seen people get punched in the face while simply standing still, peacefully, at one of his rallys,” said Maryanne Lewis of Detroit, Michigan. “I’d sooner throw beer and ham at a Muslim holding an AK-47 with TNT strapped to his ass than be at a Trump rally. These are terrifying times, both in the US and abroad.”

New Year’s Eve Celebration In Times Square Cancelled Over Terrorist Threat

happy new year

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

If you were planning on hitting the Big Apple tonight, you may need to make a change of plans. According to the FBI, they’ve had to force planners to cancel the ball dropping in Times Square, an event that has taken place for decades.

According to the reanimated corpse of Dick Clark, who has been hosting Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve for the last 90 years or so, the event normally goes off without a hitch, but this year, federal authorities were worried about issues arising from ISIS.

“I’ve been dead for a few years, so I’m not really up on this ISIS thing,” said the zombie Dick Clark. “Ryan Seacrest has been hosting this show for the last few years, and he tells me that since no one is really watching it anymore anyway, it’s not really a big loss that we won’t be doing it.”

Thousands of people had already gathered in New York City by the time of this writing, although police say they are working with the national guard to peacefully disperse the crowds.

‘Isis Books and Gifts’ Shop Owner Assaulted for Terrorism

ISIS

DENVER, Colorado – 

Karen Charboneau-Harrison, owner of Isis Books and Gifts was taken to the hospital after being assaulted with rotten eggs and rocks in the parking lot. She says she is being mistaken for a terrorist.

Isis is the ancient Egyptian Goddess of Mother Nature, not to be confused with the terrorist group ISIS, which stands for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.

After repeated acts of vandalism at her store, Harrison re-branded the store as Goddess Gifts and Books, replacing the sign that vandals had smashed. She thought her troubles were over.

“Since I am not even a person of color, this is particularly surprising to me. I mean, I got myself a tanning package for Christmas, but I’m not out there in a burka. Regardless, that sort of thing shouldn’t matter,” said Harrison. “We need to stop lumping everyone together and making assumptions about people. I own a hippie shop on Colorado. Peace and love man. One look in my store and you’ll know that’s what we’re all about.”

‘Anonymous’ Hackers Arrested In Sting Opperation

anoynmous

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A US Department of Justice and FBI sting of a group of apartments in downtown Boston yesterday yielded the arrests of a reported 24 members of the hacking group ‘Anonymous,’ who in this case, turned out to be anything but.

“Anonymous hackers have been bombarding Twitter with account information of supposed terrorists – whether they be ISIS or otherwise related – in hopes of having them [the accounts] removed,” said Federal Agent Richard Gill. “In those takedown requests, several members of the group left key information about their location, and we were able to track their whereabouts and make the arrest.”

Although support for Anonymous has been at an all-time high after the group declared war on terrorists who use the internet to coordinate their attacks and pass along information, the FBI and other government agencies still list Anonymous themselves as a terrorist group.

“Hackers penetrate and ravage delicate public and privately owned computer systems, infecting them with viruses, and stealing information for their own ends,” said Gill. “These people, they’re terrorists.”

With an estimated half a million people on the internet claiming to be part of Anonymous or an avid supporter of the group, the arrest of 24 people – aged 19 to 38 – seems small in the grand scheme of things, although Agent Gill says it’s a “great start.”

“Naturally we know that we will never be able to arrest every member of Anonymous, and even if we could, a new generation of tech-enthusiasts would pop up in their place, but we need to put a stop to hacking, as much as possible,” said Gill. “Maybe it’s a war we can’t win, but hey, we’ve been uselessly fighting the war on drugs for decades, so why not the war on hackers, too?”

Facebook To Begin Deactivating Accounts Of Anyone Who Posts About ISIS

facebook

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California – 

Whether you are against ISIS, like most people, or somehow slinking by as a terrorist supporter, Facebook has announced that they will be systematically deactivating accounts that frequently talk about ISIS, Muslims, terrorism, or anything else that they deem “inappropriate.”

“Frankly, it’s their website, and they can do whatever they want,” said user Joe Goldsmith. “I think people forget that Facebook may be made up of its users, but it is not owned and controlled by the users. Facebook has the right to delete or post whatever they want, and if they don’t like your stupid post, then they can delete it.”

According to Facebook spokesman Al Greene, the company is removing the accounts of people who post too often about ISIS, Muslim extremists, and other terrorist groups, because it “upsets other users.”

“If we’re friends on Facebook, and you are constantly posting pictures of your dog, and I have a fear of them, well frankly, those pictures will upset me,” said Greene. “We are trying to be the middle man so no one has to see the dog, no one has to have any fear. If your uncle Charlie is constantly posting pictures and articles talking about ISIS, then we’re going to step in and shut down his account. It’s only fair.”

Greene says that everyone will get one warning, but repeatedly posting controversial topics will lead to account suspension or deletion.

Muslim Man Creating Long Lines At TSA Security Check Must be a Member of ISIS

Muslim Man Delaying Queue in Airport Must be a Member of ISIS

NEW YORK, New York –

Reports emerging from one of the queues at JFK Airport suggest that the Muslim man responsible for the current delay must be a member of ISIS. Although no weapons, flags, or other indications of allegiance to a terror cell can be seen on him, he is being searched for the third time, with contents of his hand luggage being laid out on the desk after passing through the scanner with no clear problems.

“I’m almost certain I’ve seen his face before,” says Angela Mason, 45. “He must have been on the news or something. That big beard and turban do not cry innocence.”

Other commuters are less certain, but all acquiesce that he must prove his loyalty to America before he is allowed on their flight.

“I’m not saying he’s a terrorist or anything,” says businessman Wayne Parnell, 53. “But would you be comfortable sitting next to him on a plane? Nope, didn’t think so.”

Sources insist it’s only a matter of time before ISIS or another Islamic extremist group claims responsibility for the delay.

“Frankly, I’m surprised we haven’t heard anything from them as yet,” political analyst, Steven Rockstead. “Usually they’re quick to jump on the bandwagon, to increase their publicity and try to display their power. Here, however, no videos admitting guilt have been released online, which may just mean that this obvious terrorist must have something else lined up.”

As of press time, officials are allowing the ISIS member to board the plane, although without his shoes, turban, robe or underwear, where he may have been hiding some undetected weapon. His beard and hair have all been shaved off as well, in case he could be carrying a tiny knife in there.

Spirit Medium Says Murdered Jordanian Pilot Contacted Him, Gives Message For ISIS

Spirit Medium Says Murdered Jordanian Pilot Contacted Him, Gives Message For ISIS

 

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Mu’adh al-Kasasbeh, the Jordanian pilot murdered in the most recent video released by militant group ISIS, apparently transmitted a message of hope from Heaven yesterday. According to world-renowned spirit medium John Edward, al-Kasasbeh says that although he misses his family and friends, he is having a great time in the next world.

“I’m considered a martyr up here,” the psychic related, channeling al-Kasabeh. “I’ve got all the privileges of all those holy to Allah. And, I’ve got all the virgins that ISIS members would have received, if not for transgressing the Holy Word with all the innocent blood they’ve shed.”

ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, hit back with a vituperative attack on the pilot’s character, and accused him of being an American agent, spreading propaganda.

“He is not a martyr!” he shouted on ISIS’ official YouTube channel. “He is a mouthpiece for American propaganda. I can see him burning in purgatory, not in the paradise reserved for the true soldiers of Allah. Don’t forget – please like and subscribe to stay informed about the latest beheadings, shown live here on ISIS TV on YouTube.”

al-Kasasbeh issued a swift and biting response, stating that, not only is he screwing all their virgins, he’s been given access to “your dead wives, mothers, and daughters, even though those whores [who] were violated long ago.”

al-Baghdadi, whose relationship with his deceased mother has been described as “kinda creepy – like a Norman Bates sorta thing,” was secretly recorded sobbing, and repeating the words, “too soon.”

Medium John Edward says that this is the first time he has been contacted by a spirit without an audience present.

Urban Outfitters Stores Begins Carrying T-Shirts Branded With ISIS Terrorist Group Logo

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – Urban Outfitters Stores Begins Carrying T-Shirts Branded With ISIS Terrorist Group Logo222

Urban Outfitters, know for its hipster, bohemian, and bizarre merchandise has created controversy once again, this time partnering with ISIS to sell military style shirts with the ISIS logo. The shirts are in stores now and sales have been surprisingly  positive.

”We are proud to be partnered with ISIS. I support ISIS’ decision to earn money for their cause legally, although we can’t raise them more money than their illegal oil sales, illegal collection of taxes, or even their kidnapping campaigns have, starting a clothing line is a good start towards redemption, in my book,” said Richard Hayes, founder of Urban Outfitters. “I would like to add that we don’t necessarily support all of ISIS’ endeavors, but we do support them in reaching their goals and following their dreams.

Hayes said that just because the militant, terrorist group has a dark past, and a dark present, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t look forward to a bright future.

“Here at Urban Outfitters, we have always prided ourselves to bring the public a compelling and distinct way to prove they are a little cooler and a little different from everybody else,” said Hayes. “With my help, I hope to see the ISIS brand on everything from refrigerator magnets to jeans, because if it’s cool and edgy, it belongs in Urban Outfitters.”

 “I don’t see the big deal, it’s a cool shirt and that logo is off the hook,” said 15-year-old Urban Outfitters shopper, Jason Swarr. ”The logo has guns on it and stuff, and that’s badass. I don’t really know what ISIS is, but if Outfitters sells it, it’s gotta be cool, and I don’t want to be the only kid not supporting ISIS. The key to fitting in is to liking what everybody else likes, that’s why I shop at Urban Outfitters and that’s why I pledge my support to ISIS and their cool logo.”

 

ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

HOUSTON, Texas – ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets.  “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away.  The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face.  ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material.  “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk.  I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it.  I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went.  My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold.  It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried.  “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy.  I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

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