Jeb Bush Says He Will Use Remaining Campaign Contributions To Buy Yacht, Sail Around The World

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Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

DALLAS, Texas – 

Former presidential candidate Jeb Bush has dropped out of the campaign race this year, after finally coming to the realization that he didn’t have a chance in hell of winning even the part nomination, let alone a seat in the White House.

Bush says that he will use the remaining money in his campaign fund, approximately $4 million, and buy a yacht, with plans to sail around the world.

“Normally I wouldn’t waste campaign money on something so frivolous,” said Bush. “I appreciate every person and company who, for some reason, had the bad foresight to donate to my campaign. Instead of using that money to support another candidate or give back, what I’ve decided is that I need a nice, long cruise around the world on a new yacht. I’ve already picked it out, and I’ve named it Queen Barbara, after my momma.”

Bush says that he plans to set sail in August, with hopes of “missing the end of the election completely.”

Fistfight Occurs Between Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush on Campaign Trail

tedjeb

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Things are getting heated on the campaign trail, as even politicians of the same party are having words. Sources inside the Republican parrty say that both Bush and Cruz were careful to keep out of the eyes of the press during a recent fight, and the whole affair was considered “off the record.”

An intern working closely with Bush says, “Cruz broke the gentlemen’s code and hit Bush in the face. He’s going to need to wear extra foundation. The unwritten code between candidates is below the belt is fine, but don’t throw any punches that could mar a fellow’s face.”

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Sources close to Cruz say the fight started because Cruz accused Jeb Bush of being a sore loser. In the polls, Bush is coming in a distant third. “The 2000, election where Al Gore got the popular vote – well, at first Jeb Bush did not want to rig the election to help George W. He wanted to be president. Daddy Bush told him that it was Georgie’s turn now, and Jeb would get to be president after. Jeb went along with it, but now he’s not getting what he was promised. So he’s being a poor sport.”

Cruz appears to be taking a more macho approach to his campaign in general. After the fistfight with Bush, Cruz challenged Trump to a Mano-a-Mano debate anytime between now and he Iowa caucus. Among candidates in the Republican party, this is equivalent to posturing like an aggressive ape and growling.

Jeb Bush Looks To Reach Younger Voters By Legally Changing Name To Jeb Shaved

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Jeb Bush has been running his campaign based almost solely on his family name, following in the footsteps of his brother, George W., and father, George Bush, but seemingly failing to connect with younger voters.

“I think that too many people look at me, and they see my family, and although that’s okay, it’s not winning me any points lately,” said Jeb Bush. “In fact, I think having the Bush name is really becoming a hinderance in this race.”

Bush says that he thinks that his name is “too old fashioned,” and that a change is definitely in order.

“I am working with lawyers to have my name legally changed,” said Bush. “No longer will the Bush name be in my way. That name is old and dated. A relic of the 80s and 90s. From now on, I will go by the name Jeb Shaved, because that’s what the younger kids are about these days.”

There was no comment made by anyone else from the Bush family.

 

Jeb Bush Plans to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As yet, Senator Ted Cruz is the only Republican to have confirmed his intention to run in the 2016 Presidential Elections. His announcement was accompanied by a tacky video, which was roundly mocked on all social media platforms. Senator Jeb Bush is now expected to be the 2nd Republican candidate to announce his campaign, and with it his own short clip, cramming as much ridiculous rhetoric and gaffes into it as possible.

“In a long tradition of out of touch Republicans, Jeb will probably be the next to release a hilariously misinformed video,” said analyst Pete Richman. “I think he’s gonna go all out with this. Think references to black people getting Ebola; think inaccurate information about the economy; think discrimination against gays and atheists.”

Sen. Bush has been spotted strolling through an upper class white neighborhood, followed by a cameraman, indicating that his chosen representation of American life is based on the wealthy minority, ignoring not only the working class, but the middle class as well.

“While it portrays a sweet, idealized version of America, it’s going to lose him the vast majority whose lifestyles are nothing like he imagines,” continued Richman. “African Americans, workers being paid minimum wage, people who realize that not only the rich need to be taken care of – it’s as if he doesn’t recognize that those are the votes he needs to win.”

Accompanying the video, a series of Twitter gaffes, in which Bush accidentally insults even his own supporters, is expected.

“He’ll probably say something like, ‘The upper class is just the same as everyone else’, which his following will take to mean that they’re as pathetic as they believe working and middle class people are. They’ll say things like, ‘We worked to get where we are; those who don’t make it don’t deserve it,’ and his campaign will spend millions correcting the mistakes they already spent millions on.”

The public can look forward to the already denigrated video coming in early April.

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