JELLO Revamps Pudding Pops Line To Distance Themselves From Bill Cosby

NORTHFIELD, Illinois –

Kraft Foods, maker of JELLO Pudding Pops, wants to distance itself as far away as possible from entertainer Bill Cosby, whose commercials for the dessert that ‘wiggles and jiggles’ made him one of the most successful brand spokespersons of the 1980s. In recent months, Cosby has been accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women, with many institutions associated with the actor and comedian scrambling to cut all ties.

“The first step is to rebrand Pudding Pops,” says JELLO product manager Katharine Parkinson. “The shape and color of some of our Pudding Pops have taken on negative associations through no fault of our own,” she stressed. “We don’t want people to think of Bill Cosby when they put a Pudding Pop into their mouths, or the mouths of their children. Unfortunately, our chocolate Pop is too suggestive of the very acts Bill Cosby is being accused of committing. We’re protecting a wholesome, cherished treat enjoyed by millions of people around the world.”

This is not the first time a major corporation has had to repair its damaged image. In 1981, the pain reliever Tylenol had its brand nearly destroyed when a series of product tampering struck fear into consumers. The makers of Tylenol were one of the first companies to use tamper-resistant packaging, now an industry standard.

Shopper Linda Boreman, a regular consumer of Pudding Pops, thinks it’s the right move. “My kids were joking around about it, saying things like ‘I got her right in the pudding pop’ and repeating other nasty things they read on the Internet. I don’t find those jokes funny at all, and now I’m ashamed to buy the Pops. I used to be embarrassed to buy feminine products, but now I’d rather be seen with a box of tampons poking out of my basket. When they change the product so it doesn’t remind me of sucking on a little Cosby, I’ll be the first one to gobble one down.”

Retailers have the option of selling off or exchanging their existing stock for the newly designed Pops. The new packaging prominently features vanilla and strawberry flavors, and the chocolate ones have changed shape, now coming in octangular shapes on a stick.

“Nothing is octagon shaped, at least nothing dirty or overtly sexual,” said Parkinson. “Our design team has been very busy, and we’re confident that our Pops will soon be melting in the mouths of millions of consumers once again!”

DEERFIELD, Illinois –

Workers at Kraft Foods, Inc. couldn’t be happier in these less than certain economic times. For them, the future looks bright and shiny.

Jack Pepper, production manager for Kraft Foods’ JELL-O Division said, “We just read a report from the National Council on Osteopathy, and they say gelatin helps relieve carpal tunnel syndrome! We couldn’t be happier!”

Carpal tunnel syndrome results when unnatural, repetitive pressure is placed on the median nerve located in the wrist. Symptoms include numbness, tingling, shooting pains into the hand, and compromised hand movement.

“Gelatin is a natural fleor,” said Dr. Ambrose Seelig, of Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Dr. Seelig coordinated a groundbreaking gelatin study after his dog, Joy, accidentally ate an entire JELL-O mold that he and his veterinarian wife had made for a pot-luck dinner.

“Joy’s not supposed to have table scraps, but she’s a tricky one. She’s 14, and starting to show signs of slowing down – the usual things that happen with a dog of a certain age,” said the doctor. “She was having a lot of trouble with her joints; they were stiffening, and her paw actually had what in humans would be diagnosed as carpal tunnel. She scratched at the door so much with repetitive paw movements, so her mobility became compromised.”

“Then, I had an ‘Oprah Moment,’” said Seelig. “Well, that’s what my wife called it.”

Two days after Joy ate the JELL-O mold, her mobility increased and even her coat looked shinier. “I thought I was imagining things,” said the doctor, “but my wife confirmed it!”

Joy’s paw was becoming more mobile.

“We kept feeding her JELL-O,” said Dr. Seelig. “She loves it! She thinks she’s getting a treat, but she’s actually involved in good, sound medical research!”

Dr. Seelig wondered if the JELL-O treatment could produce the same result for two-legged sufferers.

Human trials were arranged at a testing facility in Maryland. An ad was placed on craigslist asking for volunteers who suffered from the syndrome.

“We had personalized bowls of JELL-O lined up, ready and waiting for the volunteers,” said Seelig. Some of them were disappointed that they weren’t receiving experimental drugs. A few severe cases couldn’t even shake hands or hold a spoon when they walked in, but after a month, their symptoms had disappeared, or were greatly reduced.”

“Our division is working ’round the clock,” said Jack Pepper, as he supervised production from the busy JELL-O floor. “We’ve even had to hire a new midnight shift! It’s great! I look out here and all I see for miles and miles are happy employees pulling levers up and down, back and forth, again and again and again; boxing gelatin, hand-mixing flavors, sealing bags, over and over and over again — 24/7! Everyone’s thrilled!”

Vegan activists are hoping for an equivalent therapy, as most gelatin products are derived from the skin, bones, hooves, and connective tissue of animals, and therefore not fit for human consumption.

“Joy’s doing great!” says Dr. Seelig. “Except for her green tongue. She likes the melon flavor now, though,” he said.