NBC Announces Plans To Release ‘Friends: The Movie’

HOLLYWOOD, California –

NBC, the company behind one of the biggest sitcoms of all time, has announced that they have signed the entire original cast of Friends to a major motion picture deal.

“For some reason, people just will not let this show die the death it so rightfully deserves,” said NBC Chairman Dennis Belding. “Even after a ten-year run, and then being off the air another ten years, the fans cannot get enough of Joey, Chandler, and whatever the other characters names were.”

Belding says that the slew of fan-made trailers for a film, some of them coming out better than actual Hollywood trailers, that have popped up on YouTube over the years, were one of the biggest reasons they knew that people were still clamoring for more Friends.

“Thankfully, since most of the original cast, with the exception of Jennifer Aniston, have been stuck in TV-hell on horrible shows ever since Friends ended, it wasn’t too hard to get them to sign on, even without a script. We’re still working out the details of the plot, but the show was on for ten years, and was horrible the entire time, so it really doesn’t matter. People will see any movie based on TV shows. Just look at Sex and the City.”

“I’m so excited to get back together with everyone,” said Courtney Cox, one of the former stars of Friends. “The fans, they just wouldn’t let us die. Well, the fans and Entertainment Weekly. I swear, that magazine has had more cover-stories and multi-page articles about Friends since the show ended than they ever did when we were on. It’s kind of creepy, actually. Like an uncle who pats you on the bum, but then the hand just lingers, you know?”

Insider reports indicate that the movie is being made for a fraction of the cost of the original series, thanks mostly to all of the cast losing their star-power since the show ended.

“When the show was on, the cast members were all making over a million dollars per episode, each” said Belding. “Thankfully, no one cares about David Schwimmer anymore, and we’re giving him the paycheck to prove it. God knows why they ever did care about David Schwimmer. Anyway, they’re all working for peanuts this time around. Well, except for Jennifer Aniston, of course.”

LOS ANGELES, California –

After being snubbed for an Oscar nomination for her acclaimed appearance in indie film Cake, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly made the shocking decision to retire from acting. The former Friends star was slated for the award after her performance received terrific reviews, and nominations from every other major voting body in Hollywood.

“I’ve worked hard to finally achieve success as a serious actor,” the distraught 45-year-old said in a statement to the public. “Now that my strongest showing has been disregarded along with the rest of the dross, I no longer have the motivation.”

When asked what she planned on doing with her time, she revealed that she already had a job lined up as a waitress in a New York coffee shop.

“I have a bunch of quirky pals who already hang out there,” she said, with a hint of nostalgia in her voice. “They’re also unsuccessful actors – well, except for a stint in the 90s – but their lives are a mix of fun, jokes, and comedic confusion. That’s exactly where I envision myself finding happiness.”

The Society for Patrons of the Plat (SPoP), the self-appointed organization for the protection of waiter rights, have raised their ire at Aniston’s assumption that she can adequately fulfill the difficult post of a waitress.

“These pompous rich folk think that anyone could be a waitron,” said SPoP spokesperson, Jeremy Hendler, insisting pretentiously on using the politically correct, gender neutral term. “Well Jen is in for an unpleasant surprise. Her pretty little ass will struggle with the tedious work in a coffee shop. And if she thinks she can sit around and speak to her friends all day, she’s not gonna like the consequences.”

The manager of the coffee shop, known simply as Gunther, has however stood up for Aniston, saying that he knows her to be a hard worker.

“She’s been hanging around here for a while,” said the light-blond sad sack. “I can tell that she has all the qualities it takes to succeed in the industry. Customers will love her, even if she is a clumsy, emotional mess with a set of weirdly elitist friends at her beck and call.”

Late this morning, Aniston tweeted a defense of her capabilities in the service industry, stating, “I spent years serving the public with little appreciation. I can deal with shitty customers who are probably just extras failing at being actors anyway.”