Jewish Reporter Asks Trump If He Plans To Put Menorah In the White House; Trump Tells Him ‘F*** The Jews’

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christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After lavish Christmas decorations and beautiful, “snow” covered trees were unveiled in the White House, many reporters and photographers were taken aback, and caught up in a Christmas spirit that many say was missing from the White House over the last several years.

But one reporter, who happens to be Jewish, wasn’t as impressed. Silas Jones, 30, of the New York Beat Entertainment magazine was reporting on the White House Christmas unveiling, and asked President Trump if they planned to add a menorah to the White House decorations in a couple of weeks when Chanukah starts.

“Fuck the Jews, no way am I putting up a menorah,” said Trump. “Everyone knows that the Jews are a dirty, disgusting people. And plus, they killed Jesus, and I can’t even stomach the idea of putting Jewey things next to these beautiful Christmas trees that my wife spent hours working to get up. No, there won’t be any Jew stuff here in the White House.”

Although this is the kind of comment that would normally bring outrage from the Left and from civil liberties groups such as the ACLU, Trump’s comments like this come so often that no one was even that offended.

“Totally expected,” said Jones. “I honestly only asked to get a rise, and he gave exactly what I wanted. He’s such an assclown.”

Kosher Weed Coming to NY State; Yahweh Said to Be Pleased

jewishsmoke

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Orthodox Jews and hipster kosher foodies of New York are rejoicing after the arrival of Kosher marijuana to the city. The Orthodox Union certified the new strain, called Jew Curl, as the world’s first Kosher marijuana.

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Matt Gacy, a Jewish stoner, says the pot was so good he could hear God speaking to him. Yahweh is reported to say, “I am very pleased. A fine medicine I have given my people, who followed Moses across the red sea. Of all of My laws people break, not keeping kosher particularly pissed me off.”

To check for kosher certification, look for the U symbol with a circle around it on the packaging of your marijuana. Sources say that even private, “illegal” dealers can have their marijuana blessed by  the Union to sell to their Jewish customers.

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

obama christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Students Bullied In School Over Sexuality Should ‘Act Less Gay,’ Says Principal

bullied

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

A school principal is in hot water today after telling a student who was being bullied over his sexuality that if he wanted to not get picked on, he should “act less gay.”

“It’s only rational to me that if you come into school, and you’re super flaming and other kids are harassing you, that maybe you should tone it down a bit, and stop flaunting your extra gayness,” said principal John Waters of Charleston Junior High. “I have nothing against gay people. Some of my closest friends are gay, but they don’t walk around wearing pink shirts with pictures of penises on them and painting their faces with rainbows like some of these kids do today.”

School policy does not allow faculty to divulge the name of any students involved in bullying incidents, but some students spoke to a local Charleston news station, anonymously, about the harassment they’ve dealt with.

“I used to get picked on all the time because I’m a Jew,” said one student. “I told the principal, and he told me just to stop wearing my yarmulke, and maybe cut my ‘jew dreads,’ and the bullies would forget about me. I was a little upset at first, but I did what he suggested, and now I don’t get picked on, so I guess his advice worked.”

“I’ve actually told Principal Waters multiple times that I get picked on all the time for being poor and black, but he told me to just to suck it up, because there was no way I couldn’t pretend to not be black anymore,” said another student. “He did suggest that I rob a couple stores and get higher-end clothes, and maybe appear more rich, but that only worked for a couple weeks, because I only had one set of nice clothes. After they started to smell, I got picked on for that. The principal sucks.”

School administrators say they are “looking into” repeated incidents of misconduct on the part of Principal Waters.

Mother Who ‘Prayed the Gay Away’ Severely Regrets the Loss of Her Son’s Fabulousness

Mother Who 'Prayed the Gay Away' Severely Regrets the Loss of Her Son's Fabulousness

BOSTON, New York –

Area mom Joanne Silverstam, who recently succeeded at ‘praying the gay away’ in her 16-year-old son, says her only regret is the loss of his absolute fabulousness. The Jewish parent believes wholeheartedly that the drastic measure was necessary for Johnny to fit in with the community, and not to bring shame on the family. However, he no longer has the gorgeous fashion sense and flamboyant personality which she acknowledges made him her favorite child.

“Johnny is a sweet boy, and will remain that way. But he’s lost that… pizazz, if you will, which made him special,” lamented the mother of five. “I love his siblings, but none of them could make me laugh with those outrageously bitchy remarks which used to come naturally to him. Now I have no one to tell me when I’m making a fashion faux-pas, or that I need a pedicure.”

Religious leader Rabbi Greenstein praised the mother’s determination, saying, “It’s hard for a parent to see such dramatic changes in her child. But when he grows up to be a good husband, a career-oriented man who supports his family with a respectable, menschedik job, she’ll realize it was all for the good, and forget about his former ostentatious self.”

The newly-heterosexual boy’s best friend, Molly Halpern, agreed with the mother’s sentiment.

“I don’t know what will happen to our friendship now. It was based on a shared love of eye-catching hair-dos, shamelessly gaudy outfits, and fabulous skin. The new Johnny – with that deteriorating complexion and those clunky formal shoes – is almost a stranger to me. Plus, I see the way he checks out my boobs now. It’s just weird.”

Johnny himself expressed no such regrets. “I’m on my way now to becoming an accountant, just like my family wanted,” he said, in a gruff monotone nothing like his previously lilting, sing-song voice. “I’ve given up the gratuitous activities I used to waste my time on, like dancing and theater. I need to focus on the straight-and-narrow lifestyle now, and forget about how drab these khaki pants are I just bought.

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