J.K. Rowling: ‘Ron and Hermione Will Divorce In Harry Potter Sequel’

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LONDON, England – 

Harry Potter fans are shocked by JK Rowling’s announcement that Ron and Hermione divorce in the new book. The official sequel, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, focuses on Potter’s child, Albus Severus. It will be released as both a play and a book on July 31st.

Harry Potter is now “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children. Although the focus is on the Potter family, Ron and Hermoine rejoin the hero to fight the forces of evil, while going through a heated divorce and custody battle.”

“I rushed the ending a bit, didn’t think through the epilogue, and now I have some major regrets,” says Rowling. In the epilogue to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is set 19 years later, it’s revealed that Harry married Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, and they have three children. Ron and Hermione have two kids together. The author says, “Hermione and Ron should have never ended up together. Opposites may attract, but it usually doesn’t last. I will be undoing a great injustice to the characters and fans.”

Conservative Christian groups have announced their plans to continue to boycott the books based on moral grounds. Harry Potter Fanclub member, Kelly Slater says she feels the new developments are true to life. “Ron leaves Hermione for some younger, hotter bitch. Kids need to learn that it happens in the wizarding world and it happens in real life.”

Donald Trump Says JK Rowling Will ‘Never Work In This Country Again’

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An offensive tweet, posted by Trump’s aid Katrina Pierson, surfaced and has attracted attention from around the world. Katrina Pierson’s 2012 tweet referred to the two popular presidential candidates, asking, “Perfect Obama’s dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney’s dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?”

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Author JK Rowling was quick to respond, with “Death Eaters Walk Amongst Us.” In Harry Potter, Death Eaters are followers of evil Lord Voldemort, who were of “pure blood.” As Trump is a known racist, none were surprised that he was being called out as a Death Eater.

Although he did not understand the comment, Trump took offense, ensuring his cohorts that action would be taken against Rowling. “Neil Murray needs to rein in his wife. Rowling did not even take his name. We can see she’s the one who wants to wear the pants in this family. Well, she’s not in control in my house, and I can assure you, JK Rowling will never work in the United States again.”

Analysts consider this to be an unwise move by Trump, considering the millions of Harry Potter fans in the country ready to base their vote on Rowling’s tweets. Trump also seemed to be confused when he was informed that Rowling was not, in fact, an American citizen.

New J.K. Rowling Book to Tell the Story of the Slow Death of Lord Voldemort’s Final Horcrux

New J.K. Rowling Book to Tell the Story of the Slow Death of Lord Voldemort’s Final Horcrux

LONDON, England – 

To the delight of millions of Harry Potter fans around the world, billionaire author JK Rowling has announced that she is working on yet another sequel to the hugely popular series. The next book, tentatively titled, The Final Years, will not however tell of the adventures of Harry and his friends.

“I decided to end the series quite definitively,” Rowling wrote to members of her fan site, Pottermore. “By telling of what happened 19 years later, I ensured that I could not be tempted into writing a further sequel. However, the fate of Voldemort’s final horcrux was never revealed, and that is what The Final Years will detail.”

Indeed, the termination of the horcrux’s existence was only hinted to in the chapter entitled King’s Cross Station. It appears as a deformed life-form, struggling to survive in limbo between life and death. Harry returns to the world of the living before the readers are told of its final demise.

“Many fans were left unsatisfied,” said UK publisher Bloomsbury. “We saw the demand for this revelatory story and, after much begging and pleading, persuaded Joanne [Rowling] to come out of her Harry Potter retirement for just one more book.”

Details have been released exclusively on Pottermore as to the basic plot outline which can be expected.

After Harry returns to the living world, the struggling horcrux is left alone with Dumbledore, the text reads. Dumbledore gives it one last pitying look, shakes his head in sadness, and is beamed up to heaven in a bright light. The horcrux is then left on its own, while the rest of Voldemort is killed in battle with Potter. It continues to whimper, alone and helpless, without a definite form, as no one arrives to take care of it, or even talk to it. In its years – centuries even – of slow demise, it goes through one final existential crisis, and we are given a close look as its breathing slows, its physical boundaries disappear, and it eventually dissolves into nothingness.

Pre-orders have already exceeded 13 million, in the half day since the news arrived, and are expected to reach the billion mark before the close of the week.

J.K. Rowling Admits She Wrote Harry Potter to Convert Kids to Wicca

LONDON, England – J.K. Rowling Admits She Wrote Harry Potter to Convert Kids to Wicca

In a statement on her official website, Harry Potter series author J.K. Rowling finally admitted that she wrote the series on behalf of the Wiccan religion. In years past, many Christian groups were considered obnoxious for advocating that the books be banned from schools due to their potential for polluting children’s brains with belief in witchcraft, but apparently they were not as crazy as originally thought.

“It’s been so many years, and the built-up guilt has been like a rainy cloud following me everywhere I go. When I write, when I sleep, when I practice magic, when I go to the bank to deposit my billion dollar Harry Potter checks . . . my secret was like my Horcrux, and now I’ve destroyed it so my soul can be whole again for the witches,” Rowling wrote. “It’s about time that I tell the world I am a strong supporter of Wicca. I truly believe in its benefits as a religion. I wrote Harry Potter to please the Mother Goddess. They needed new followers, and they needed young followers. I wrote the series to manipulate young minds into believing witchcraft was real, and it worked.”

According to Rowling, the Wiccan community knew about this the whole time. In fear of losing followers if they released the series’ true intentions early, they forced Rowling to wait until it already fulfilled their hopes and dreams—a younger, broader Wiccan community. “She saved us. Everyone who reads Harry Potter or watches the movies supports us. Rowling donates a large portion of her money to our experiments and facilities,” an anonymous and active Wiccan witch said.

Rowling closed her statement saying, “I am deeply sorry if I have offended you with my propaganda. I hope that my readers, Wiccan or not, can still enjoy my work. And above all, I hope that this revealing information does not influence your opinions on myself, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and especially Hedwig.”

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