PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups

peta

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

DETROIT, Michigan – Insane Clown Posse Member 'Violent J' Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.

Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision That Categorizes Them As Gang Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Insane Clown Posse, Juggalos To Appeal Supreme Court Decision Naming Them Gang Members

In a recent Supreme Court verdict, a judge upheld the decision made by the US Government that had declared “Juggalos,” super-fans of the musical group Insane Clown Posse, to be classified as gang members.  Thousands of fans, who say that they are more of a “family” than a gang, are disgusted by this verdict.

The Insane Clown Posse, or ICP, have been making music together since 1985.  With two platinum and five gold albums, they have a fan base in the hundreds of thousands.

“We always knew we would be huge woop woop,” ICP frontman Shaggy 2 Dope says.  “It was just a matter of time before we made it big.  This whole gang s*** is really getting us down. Just because we talk about this stuff all the time, it’s only about family.  All the Juggalos and Juggalettes are my family, whether I know them or not.  They would die for us, and kill for us, and we would do the same for them.”

The recent court ruling decided that anyone associated with the Juggalos are members of a gang.

“These Juggalos go around, talking about killing people and rape and they think that’s okay,” Says FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler. ” They do this all while being painted up like clowns and in large groups.  Someone walking by overhears it and gets uncomfortable, it is a no brainer to me that this is gang-like behavior.  Strength in numbers and what not.”

The Juggalo community is quite split on the decision, some have always looked at it as a gang, while others just look at it as a community.

“Woop woop, I don’t get why all dis s*** is being stirred over us mother f***ers.  We just doing our thang WOOP WOOP.” Says Juggalo Curtis Brown, who goes by his ‘Juggalo Name’ Mizta Nut Busta.  “I ain’t never f***in kill n***as, I just f***ing sing da shit dey sing woop woop.  We’s a family and that’s it, none of us has ever killed n***as or f***ed s*** up fo’ no reason, we ain’t like that.”

Apparently, not all Juggalos are on the same page about what being a fan of ICP, and being a Juggalo itself, even means.

“Man we always been a gang.  We ain’t never wanted nothing but to kill s*** and f*** s*** up.  I just smoke mah weed, rock my faygo, and spray b****es with my sperm, woop woop,” Said ‘Masta-Bata 187,’ a Juggalo from Detroit.

In a stunning reaction to the ruling, hundreds of Juggalos and Juggaletes flooded the streets with signs and face paint, protesting the court ruling.

“I have never seen such a seemingly motley crew organize so quickly,”  Says famous Anthropologist Napoleon Chagnon.  “They seem like a variable hodgepodge of Mongoloids that don’t seem capable of doing anything but smoking pot and listening to bad music.  I am not sure that this protest will help their cause, because they keep throwing out gang signs and their faces are all painted.  It is pretty much just an excuse to get drunk and party in public with signs.”

As of the writing of this article, it is unclear whether representatives for ICP actually filed the appeal, or if they were too busy getting high and just thought they filed them.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.