FDA To Ban Fentanyl After Prince’s Overdose

Posted on June 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The powerful opiate fentanyl may be taken off the market following the death of Prince as well as the increase in opiate drug deaths across the nation. A bill may change fentanyl to a schedule I drug, meaning that it is both highly addictive and has no legitimate medical use. Other schedule I drugs include heroin, LSD, and marijuana. Fentanyl is currently a schedule II drug, meaning that while there is danger of abuse, it can be prescribed under controlled conditions.

“It’s clear the fentanyl is out of our control, ”argues bill sponsor, Representative Marcy Kaptur. “Deaths are up 500% in Ohio. They have tripled in last year.” Supporters of the bill argue that the drug is just too strong. Fentanyl is 50 times more potent than heroin and 100 times more than morphine.

Fentanyl is used to manage moderate to severe pain, usually in people who have chronic pain, and as a last resort. Fentanyl is often used when other pain medicines no longer work.

“Yeah, a few cancer patients might not get their fentanyl fix, but we can’t afford to lose any more pop sensations. They are the glue that keeps this country together. Didn’t Michael Jackson die from this stuff? Well, maybe it was his time. He was a little sick. But Prince – that great man had even turned to the lord,” says Mothers Against Drug Addicts (MADA) member, Tracy Leveque. “Junkies are one thing. They’re pretty well useless. But when a beloved musician or actor overdoses, it’s time to change the legislation.”

Liza Minnelli Voted ‘Most Fabulous Junkie’ in Rehab

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SAN DIEGO, California –

Acclaimed singer and actress Liza Minnelli is reportedly the most fabulous junkie in Hope Winters Rehabilitation Center. Fellow addicts have unanimously agreed that the Cabaret star’s general demeanor, appearance, and movement and gait, are all far superior to the average alcoholic or narcotics user.

“This is a rehab for the upper class, super-super-rich, and we get lots of celebrities here, but none as fabulous as Liza,” said curator Don Hamilton. “We consider ourselves very fortunate to have the privilege of treating this generally gorgeous individual, and humble ourselves as regular, non-fabulous societal rejects before her.”

Famous alumni of the center include Charlie Sheen, Gerard Way, Nigella Lawson, and Lindsay Lohan – none of whom come anywhere near to Minnelli’s objectively superb fashion sense and mode of being.

“Liza has totally lit this place ablaze with her presence,” said a fellow narcotics user, on condition of anonymity. “Out of all the junkies I’ve met in my life – and there have been many – I’ve never met one who carries herself as fabulously as Liz. Usually, they’re downtrodden and miserable, and have scars on their arms and legs. She’s totally different: not a single scar!”

Minnelli’s spokesperson, Henrietta Birgitte, told media that the performer is flattered to have been voted into the position, and wants her supporters to know that no matter how low she falls, she’ll never lose her fabulousness.

“Her spirits are high, and her hair is looking better than ever,” said Birgitte. “She’s been performing songs from the various musicals she’s been in, entertaining the druggies with her vast talent, and even performed her part of My Chemical Romance’strack, Mama.”

Various tv networks have expressed interest in filming a reality series at the center. Suggested titles have included “Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous (Junkies)”, “Cabare-hab”, and “Liza Minnelli’s Twelve Step Dance Program”.

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

NEW YORK, New York –

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.