Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

DARWIN, West Virginia –

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey –

Have you seen the commercial for the ‘perfect’ pet? It’s not a dog, it’s not a goldfish – it’s not even living! It’s ‘Pretty Much Polly,’ the plastic parakeet that can ‘provide hours of fun, just like the real thing!’

Polly’s colors are vibrant. From a distance, you’d never be able to tell the difference between an actual bird and a mass-produced extruded glob of spray-painted plastic, popped out of a mold in far away China, shipped to America to satisfy the gaping maws of hungry toy consumers, begging for the latest electronic plaything.

Even cats want to get their paws on Polly. Sadly, one curious kitten did just that, and Pretty Much Polly turned out not to be the perfect Polly toy for the small kitty.

TeleToy Corporation INC., distributor of Pretty Much Polly, has been named as defendant in a lawsuit filed by Edna Wannamaacher on behalf of Mittens Wannamaacher. Lawyers and insiders are saying that the case, Mittens Wannamaacher v. TeleToy INC., could be a game-changer.

“Mittens was my newest best friend,” said self-described “cat lady” Edna Wannamaacher during the trial. “He followed me everywhere. One day, I was pouring foundation for that new development over by Harbor Road and Mittens kind of adopted me. Next thing I knew, he was my newest roommate! He followed me home. I don’t know what he saw in me, but I guess he knew he’d feel at home.”

“Cats are inherently curious, we all know that,” said Allison Sandy, counsel for TeleToy, “and in this case, Mittens’ curiosity indeed did kill her, just as the biblical parable says. ‘Polly Wannamaacher’, as she called the toy, and TeleToys, should in no way be held liable for the unfortunate accident that took place. We are not responsible for any damages.”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted Edna’s nephew, Dewey Wannamaacher, during closing arguments. When Dewey was reminded that he was not an attorney and that closing arguments can not be interrupted, he begged for the court’s mercy, asking that his statement be heard and entered into the record. The request was granted over Sandy’s objections.

“My aunt is not a crazy cat lady. She does not train her cats to use the toilet like some nuts. In fact, she has opted herself to just use clumping litter along with her friends instead. A lot of slanderous things have been said about her in court today. Yes, she once took a selfie for Cat Fancy magazine, showing her eating from a bowl of Meow Mix with a slew of cats, but it was just for fun. Sadly, that photograph has now come to haunt our family nine-times over. It’s on the Internet, and…well, people can be so cruel. By my aunt is a wonderful person, and this case should not be about her life, but rather the life, and death, of Mittens Wannamaacher.”

“Millions of toy makers and yarn manufacturers could face loss of livelihoods,” countered Sandy. “Even the entire string industry could be wiped out over a case like this. Is that fair? I think not. We all love cats, yes, but also — members of the jury — I implore you — also think of the sheep. There’s more at stake here than just the future of one toy line. It’s the future of the entire cat industry! This could set a precedent that could potentially wipe out laser pointers and catnip manufacturers as well.”

“Oh, I’d hate to put people out of work,” said Edna, as the jury deliberated for a second day. “A lot of my friends work with toys and string. But what about Mittens? Who is going to speak for her? She was just following her natural instincts and look where she ended up? Dead and under the recliner, that’s where. Mittens would have been better off left in that construction lot, looking back on it.”

Unofficial reports have surfaced hinting that the jury may be deadlocked.

“I took a good look at the jury, said Wannamaacher. “I think half of them are dog people, and the other half are cat people. I hope we win. For the love of Mittens, I hope we win.”