Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears’ Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason.

“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!”

“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”

“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Singer, songwriter, and actor Justin Timberlake, who was a co-owner of Myspace, reportedly sold his shares of the company to a fan for one dollar yesterday afternoon.

The 33-year-old Timberlake said in a statement from his publicist Michelle Hendrickson, that he no longer felt that Mypsace was developing the cause for which he signed up for.

“Mr. Timberlake would like to thank all of his fans for support in his venture with Myspace, but he felt that his goal of bridging the gap between artists and fans was not being achieved,” Hendrickson said.

Myspace has steadily declined in popularity since Facebook has taken over social media in the United States, and every year the number of Myspace users has dropped off signifcantly. Timberlake bought into the company with hopes of reviving the once upon a time king of all social media.

“Justin feels that he let a lot of people down, and just wanted to get out from under this thing, so he decided to take a loss and sold his share of the company to a fan for whom he was signing an autograph for. He casually asked the fan if she wanted to buy his share of Myspace for a dollar, she laughed, and said yes. And Mr. Timberlake then set up a meeting with the fan and lawyers to make the deal. And the deal was made,” Hendrickson said. “To be quite honest, Justin is glad to wash his hands of Myspace. I mean, did you know that Myspace was even still around? If you think Google Plus is a ghost town, you should try logging into your old Myspace page someday. It’s like a relic or a time capsule or something.”

Timberlake’s share of the company was worth $15 million, according to financial experts, making the the new unknown owner the luckiest Timberlake fan of all time.