Crips Gang Initiates First White, Suburban Teen


LOS ANGELES, California –

The Los Angeles-based gang the Crips have taken steps to broaden their membership by adding to their roster the first white, suburban teenager to their ranks.

The teen, 17-year-old Stewart Smith, says that he is “extremely happy” to have been allowed to join the gang, and that he thinks it’s super progressive of them to let him in.

“The great thing is that I am able to go where my fellow gang members cannot,” said Smith. “For example, I am allowed to go to movie theatres, sporting events, and quiet, suburban neighborhoods without being looked at twice. It makes it a lot easier to commit crimes, because I’m white, and as all pigs know, it’s the blacks that commit the crimes.”

Smith says he’s also extremely excited that he can carry a gun, and no one will hassle him.

“In California, you can carry a gun, legally, at age 16, so no one even thinks anything of it,” said Smith. “If I was a black teen, then I’d have been shot ages ago. White privilege is a real thing, and I have to say, it’s really fucking great, too.”

Woman Knits Life-Sized Doll Of Son; Ex-Husband Says It’s ‘Too Creepy’, Sues For Custody


LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”

“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”

Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.

“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”

Town Creates Mandatory Bedtime For Children Under 18

kid sleep

KATHRYN, North Dakota –

The small town of Kathryn in North Dakota recently held their monthly city council meeting, where members voted in favor of a mandatory bedtime of 8 PM for children under 12, and 10 PM for children aged 13-17. They expect the new rules will help with the town’s growing “discipline” problem that prevents almost half of teenagers from graduating high school. This is expected to give parents more tools in keeping their children in line.

Liam Harvey, father of five legitimate children and two others, complains that, “The belt’s just not working on kid’s today. I locked mine in the broom closet, till an officer told me I couldn’t do that no more. I’m as pleased as punch the law’ll do the dirty work for me now.”

Selectman Rob Bankes “We aren’t going to be taking babies out of their cribs for being up at 2 am. This is about kids who are being raised to be good for nothin’s with no sense of responsibility. Early to bed early to rise keeps idle hands from becoming the devil’s plaything.”

Although Kathryn’s population is only approximately 60 citizens, Bankes expects other small town’s in North Dakota will follow their example.

Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull


AKRON, Ohio – 

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”

Woman Arrested After Spanking Her 28-Year-Old Daughter Over Her Parenting Techniques


ATLANTA, Georgia –

Karen Stillwell, 52, was arrested after spanking her 28-year-old daughter, Renee Stillwell who allergy spanked her two year old unjustly. Karen Stillwell told local news, “She spanked that precious little baby, so I gave her a little slap on the behind to show her how it feels.”

Renee had a neighbor photograph pictures of the handprint on her behind and then called the police. “It wasn’t a little spanking. She tackled me to the ground and whacked me repeatedly,” said Renee Stillwell. “I’m not going to take that kind of abuse, especially not from my psycho mother. She hit me enough growing up. The only person who gets to hit me like that is my husband, but really, only if he’s a good boy and I don’t have a headache.”

When asked if she spanked her daughter as a child, Stillwell said she did, but only with good reason. “She was a willful little brat, always trying to get into my candy stash and her dad’s potato sticks. She deserved it. My grandson, that sweet little angel didn’t deserve it. He was just being mouthy, calling his mother a ‘fucking bitch,’ which, sad to say about my own daughter, is entirely true. It’s easy to see it’s a completely different situation.”

Boy Attacks Neighbor with Drone


DALLAS, Texas – 

Neighbors, Pat and Marsha Stuart called him Dennis the Menace.

The harassment allegedly started with petty theft and the boy throwing rocks at the house and cat. He was also accused of coming out in the night and leaving marbles around for them to slip on.

According to the Stuarts, the neighbor boy was given a Storm Racing Drone for Christmas by his parents, and now he is being accused of using it to terrorize his neighbors. After the drone “accidentally” collided with Marsha’s head, the neighbors then told police they boy had been using it “to spy and snap pictures of us in the buff.” Pat Stuart says he boy is lucky he did not get shot for these type of antics.

Although the 9-year-old boy’s name has not been released, it has been confirmed he was diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder, which basically meant, according to doctors, that “he is a little shit.” His parents do not think his antics are cute and plan to have him sent to reform school as soon as he is released from juvenile hall.

‘Clock Kid’ Mad 15 Minutes of Fame Is Over, Says He’s Thinking Of New Scam To Get Back On TV


DALLAS, Texas – 

Ahmed Mohammed, the kid who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school and became an international celebrity after he was arrested, gave an interview with a local Dallas news station saying he was “extremely upset” that people had forgotten about him already, and that he didn’t expect that his “15 minutes of fame” would be over so quickly.

“I built that fake bomb – er, I mean, I built that clock and brought it to school, and the whole world went nuts,” said Mohammed, standing next to his father, Mohammed Mohammed. “Now it would seem that people have forgotten about me, and it’s only been a few weeks. My family and I, we can’t not be in the spotlight, so we are coming up with a new scam, er, I mean, a new plan, to have people talking about us again.”

Mohammed was arrested after he brought a hoax bomb to school. Many people were upset because he was arrested, although those people generally didn’t read past headlines, and never knew that Mohammed’s arrest actually came about because the “clock” was clearly a hoax bomb, which is a crime to carry. Mohammed himself even admitted in interviews that he knew the device “looked sketchy.”

“The clock thing got me some cool gear, and some cool trips, and I even got to meet terrorist leader!” said Mohammed. “Now, though, my family’s spotlight is fading, so we’re figuring out a way to get back on people’s radar. Our first step is to sue the school and town for $15 million dollars.”

Mohammed Mohammed, Ahmed’s father, agreed that something “would have to be done” to keep his family from fading into obscurity like they so rightly deserve to do.

Internet Meme ‘Fat Emo Kid’ Dies After Choking On Carrot

fat emo


The Fat Emo Kid meme is one of the internet’s oldest, the picture often accompanied by the phrase, “when the world gets you down, eat it.” The boy in the picture, Mike Jones, was 16 when the image was taken and posted to internet forum Reddit, and it reportedly caused him so much grief, he went on a diet and lost over 200 pounds.

“Mike was a great kid, and he was just going through a phase of wearing make-up, throwing up gang signs, eating too much food,” said his mother, Marie. “I think all kids go through that at some point in their life. Anyway, after that picture went viral, it destroyed him, so he did something about it. He lost 211 pounds, and became extremely health conscience. Unfortunately, it was the healthy foods that killed him.”

According to Marie Jones, her son died last week after he choked on a baby carrot that was in a salad he was having for lunch.

“Mikey loved his carrots. He would eat anything, to be sure, but he did it in moderation after that picture made him internet famous,” said Marie. “I’m glad now, though, that Mikey is in heaven, where he can be fat again and eat all the cake and there will be no one to make fun of him. God wouldn’t allow it. Mikey certainly had an appetite for life, God rest his soul.”

Mike Jones would have been 23 on December 5th.

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants 9-Year-Old’s Wish To Direct Porno Film

AKRON, Ohio – Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants 9-Year-Old's Wish To Direct Porno Film

The parents of a 9-year-old boy have filed a lawsuit against the ‘Make A Wish’ Foundation, claiming that the charity let their son direct a pornographic film.

“My son Joey’s wish was not to direct a porno film,” said Lisa Stevens. ”He’s only 9, for God’s sake. He doesn’t even know what a porno is. Michael Bay is his idol, and he wanted to help direct a Michael Bay film. He wanted to direct Transformers 5, not Transgenders 5. They’re telling me it was a mix up, but there’s no way they’re that stupid. This is an outrage!”

“The Make-A-Wish Foundation grants wishes, it’s what we do. We do our best to get the wish as close as possible, but some are harder than others. The truth is, Michael Bay is a busy man, and Transformers 5 isn’t even being made yet. The kid wanted to be a director, so we got him on a set to direct for a day,” says Make-A-Wish spokesperson Will Watson. “I want to make it clear that Joey did not see anything inappropriate. We had him direct the pizza delivery scene. You know, the one where the customer ‘didn’t have enough money to pay?’ It’s in every adult movie. Joey didn’t see anything bad, and he seemed happy to be directing. We really don’t know what the big deal is.”

“I wish my Mom wasn’t so mad,” said Joey. ”I had so much fun directing! I mean, it kinda stunk there were no robots, but everyone was really nice on the set. I learned a lot about directing, plus I learned how to get a pizza for free! The best part is, they said the one scene I filmed will be in thousands of movies. Forget Michael Bay, I want to be the next Max Hardcore!”

Ferguson Protestors Blocking Streets Cause Death Of Young Child

FERGUSON, Missouri – Ferguson Protestors Block Streets, Cause Death Of Young Child

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.