Morbidly Obese Woman Let Her Children Die Of Starvation: ‘There Was Only Enough Food For Me’

BIGSBY, New Jersey – 

A New Jersey woman has been arrested after all 3 of her young children were found dead in her home. The cause of death has been listed as malnutrition. The woman starved all of her kids because she said she could “only afford enough food” for herself.

“Look, ya’ll know I’m on the welfare. I ain’t got enough money coming in to feed my ass, plus all them damn kids. This ain’t no restaurant. I gotsta eat, and they just young kids. They didn’t need much anyway,” said Tawanda Grapes, 30. “This whole thing got me all fucked up, because I ain’t been able to eat in a couple hours now with all these cops asking questions and stuff.”

According to police, Grapes was only feeding her children “whatever was left” after her meals, which normally was not much more than a few drops of ketchup on the hamburger wrapper or the melted ice from a soda cup.

Police are saying it is it the worst case of child abuse that they have ever seen. The children, who were aged 2, 3, and 6, had not eaten in as many as 11 days, says the medical examiner.

Grapes will be charged with voluntary manslaughter. If convicted, she will face the death penalty.

Postman Found To Have Over 1100 Illegitimate Children, DNA Test Proves It!

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via NOW8NEWS:

An 87-year-old Nashville retired postman has been proven to have fathered over 1,300 illegitimate children after a private investigator hired by a Tennessee family discovered the shocking truth. The investigation that has gathered thousands of DNA samples and testimonies over a 15 year period ultimately proves the man is the father to literally thousands of illegitimate children in the region.

“Contraception wasn’t very popular in those days,” he told local reporters in his defense. “I have nothing to be ashamed of. The 60s were the good old days and I did a great Johnny Cash impression which played out real good with the ladies. Some even thought I was Johnny Cash for real. I don’t know if they really believed it or if they were trying to convince themselves, but who was I to say no to a quickie.”

READ THE REST HERE

 

17 Kids Die After Peanut Butter Sandwich Brought Into Kindergarten Classroom

STETSON, Michigan – 

Superintendent Jamie Gross of SAD 49 in Michigan says she regrets lifting the school-wide ban on peanut butter, which had been in place for five years to make the school safe for people with peanut allergies.

“I had a lot of pressure to lift the ban, and I could not have foreseen what would happen,” she said during a recent press conference. When the ban was lifted, parents rejoiced, able to send their children to school with inexpensive peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Lunchlady Martha Serra says the kids went wild. “Most of those kids wanted peanut butter and jelly. They’d been spoiled by ham and roast beef. Sandwiches went flying. They opened them up and smeared them on the walls. Of course the kids with the allergies, they went a different kind of crazy at the sight of peanut butter. I saw one of the girls shoving sandwich after sandwich in her mouth, grabbing them out of lunchboxes, picking them up off the floor.”

17 children with peanut allergies died in the incident, and Gross says they will be reinstating the ban.

“It wasn’t so stupid after all, was it?” she said. “Next time we have a ban, please, stop protesting it and let it happen. It’s probably for a reason.”

Temporary Tattoos Laced With LSD Found In Indiana Elementary School

temptats

SELLERSBURG, Indiana – 

Police say that a packet of temporary tattoos featuring children’s cartoon characters such as Spongebob Squarepants and Dora The Explorer that had been laced with LSD were found in an elementary school in Indiana Friday afternoon.

Police Chief Joel Miller explains that a young girl was taken to the hospital after putting one of the tattoos on in the school bathroom.

“Temporary tattoos usually work by place the image on your skin, and rubbing the back with water,” said Chief Miller. “In the case of these LSD-laced tattoos, as soon as the image is placed face-down on the child’s skin, the drug begins to soak into their system. This little girl was lucky, as she only had it on for a minute before she said she ‘felt funny,’ and was rushed to the ER.”

Police say that they do not know where the drug-laced tattoos came from, and that the young girl says that she simply found a baggy of them in the bathroom.

“At this time, we are investigating the origins of the tattoos, and have temporarily closed the school while we canvas the building for any other drugs or paraphernalia,” said Chief Miller.

Teens Allegedly Vandalize Cemetery in Name of Satan

goth

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.

Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”

Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.

Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.

All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.

Company Announces Plans To Release Sex Toys For Children

sextoys

DES MOINES, Iowa – 

A new startup has announced plans to release a line of sex toys aimed entirely at children, according to the company’s Kickstarter page.

The Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company says that there is a massive, untapped market for children who like to masturbate, and want to experiment with toys and other items.

“Everyone masturbates. Babies in the womb are masturbating. It’s not wrong, and it won’t cause you to go blind or get hair palms, we all know that,” said company CEO Mike List. “We know that even children are masturbating, but we also know that they want to be able to enjoy sex in the same way adults do – although we don’t encourage them to actually experience intercourse, we would like them to enjoy dildos, penis-rings, clamps, and those types of things. Smaller versions, of course.”

List says that he got the idea after he walked in on his 9-year-old son masturbating.

“I had no idea that he even did that sort of thing, or knew how,” said List. “Later, we talked about the Birds and The Bees, as it were, and he confessed he’d been masturbating for over a year. I knew that there were other kids out there, too, who also masturbated, and probably wanted to try new things.”

List’s Kickstarter for his Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company is seeking $30,000 for manufacture and distribution of the toy line.

New Drug ‘Kratom’ Kills Teenager In Massachusetts

kraddum

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – 

Tiffany Maestras lost her son Lawrence to a drug she did not even know existed, and now, she wants to warn other parents about Kratom.

Erowid.com classifies Kratom as a stimulant, depressant, and intoxicant, which to teens looking for a high spells “fun, fun, fun.”

“The leaves are chewed as an opiate substitute and stimulant in Thailand and South-East Asia, primarily among the working class. It has a relatively long history of human use,” said doctor Jeff Myers. “To teenagers, this means it must be safe enough. Why not give it a whirl?”

Teen user Dave says, “It’s easier than trying to find someone to buy you beer. The only thing is you have to wait 2-3 weeks for your order to come in. The high is fucking tit, though.”

Maestras says her son overdosed when he was dared to do the “Kratom Challenge.” He made a strong tea by boiling an entire package of Kratom. After it cools, they chug the tea followed by a case of beer.

“All the kids are going to be doing it now that they find out someone got so high they died,” says Maestras. “I know how kids are. They’re stupid, and they’ll try anything. I mean hell, look at the Cinnamon challenge. Dumb.”

Japanese Toy Company Releases ‘My First Meat Grinder’ In United States

meat grinder

TOKYO, Japan – 

The Hishomoto Toy Company, who are responsible for some of today’s biggest toys, may have hit a new low with their latest release – a meat grinder that has real, working parts and allows children to crush up play-dough, small toys, or their pets.

“We are very excited to release the ‘My First Meat Grinder’ toy for children who want to learn what it’s like to work in a meat packing plant,” said Hishomoto president Miko Hoshi. “Although many parents may find the toy strange, we love to create toys that get children learning while laughing and having fun.”

The toy, which has been on sale in Japan for just under a year, was released to toy store last month, and has been selling extremely well according to the company.

“We expected to move about 10,000 units before Christmas, but as it turns out, we’ve done nearly 200,000 units,” said Hoshi. “We can barely keep up with demand. Parents are extremely happy to buy their children this toy, which teaches a valuable skill that they can use later in life.”

Hoshi says that they have plans to also release ‘My First Chainsaw,’ ‘My First Garden Shears,’ and ‘My First Meth Lab’ as well.

Dangerous New ‘Tongue Zipper’ Trend Rising In Popularity Amongst Teens

tongue

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

Parents, be warned! A dangerous new form of “tongue splitting” is becoming increasingly popular with teens, as more and more have their tongue split down the middle, and then have a zipper forcefully attached in its place.

Tongue splitting itself has been a fringe form of body modification for years, although often difficult to find safe environments for the operation to be performed. With many piercing shops refusing to do it out of severe medical issues that could arise, it was often something that needed to be performed by a plastic surgeon.

New techniques, though, have made it possible for many teens to do the “surgery” themselves, in the comfort of their own homes.

“Oh yeah man, it was pretty easy, actually,” said Joe Goldsmith, 16. “I pretty much just stole a pair of scissors from school, and I cut right down the middle of my friend Amanda’s tongue. No problem at all. It was a bit more of a bitch getting the blood out of my mom’s shag carpet, though. Then, we took a zipper of a pair of old jeans, and we kind of forced it into the open wound area. Once it was healed, she was good to go.”

Many body modification enthusiasts say that tongue splitting amongst teens is at an all-time high, especially now that they are performing the mod themselves in their own home.

“I waited until my stupid bitch mom passed out drunk like she does every night, and then I snuck out to have my tongue zippered at a friend’s house,” said Joanne Myers, 14. “My fat cow mother screamed when she saw it, but I think it’s bad ass, and my boyfriend loves it when I go down on him now.”

Parents are cautioned to not allow their children to play with sharp objects, knives, or scissors. If they have have pants with zippers, remove the zippers immediately and replace with velcro or button snaps to avoid possible misuse.

Elementary School Student Arrested For Sharing Sandwich, Accidentally Poisoning Classmate

CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

A 7-year-old boy was arrested and is being charged with murder after he allegedly shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a classmate, which causes him to have an allergic reaction and die, say police in Carson City, Nevada.

According to police reports, a child, whose identity is being withheld due to his age, brought a PB&J to class, despite the entire school being a “peanut free zone.” The act, which normally would have not been a crime, was turned into a massive ordeal after the child shared his sandwich with a classmate, 6-year-old Tommy Dill.

“Little Tommy was allergic to peanuts, and was part of the reason that the school is a peanut-free zone,” said school superintendent Carl Reiner. “Unfortunately, Tommy went into anaphylactic shock, and died on the way to the hospital.”

The child who brought the sandwich to school is being charged with reckless endangerment, murder, and attempted assault. Because this was his first time bringing peanut butter to class, he will be charged as a minor. Prosecutors say he is lucky.

“If we had heard about previous warnings about peanut butter or any nuts being brought to class by this child, then we’d have been pushing for the death penalty,” said lawyer Dewey Cheatum. “Instead, he lucked out. This was his first offense, and we’re going to just push for what we can. We’re confident that he will not see the light of day until his 40th birthday.”

 

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