Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Admits To Killing Notorious BIG

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a recent interview with MTV News, Sean Combs, aka Diddy, admits he and the late Notorious BIG were “frenemies at best.”

“There was a rivalry between us. He’s the one that came up with my name, Puff Daddy. You think I would’ve chosen that weak-ass name for myself? Please,” said Diddy during the interview.

This inspired a rivalry between the two artists, which eventually led to the demise of Biggie Smalls. “I killed him – lyrically that is. After that, Wallace had himself killed so he’d win in the end. Sold a lot of records after that. It was a marketing strategy. Might have worked for a while, but who’s sold more records now, bitch?”

Diddy went on to say insist he was not responsible for the rapper’s death, saying clogged arteries would have killed him soon anyway. “Fattie couldn’t ride the elevator up to the studio without huffing and puffing.”

The MTV News interview will not be aired on their network, per their agreement with advertisers to show nothing but reality TV, but it will be available on their website.

AMC Says Next Season of ‘The Walking Dead’ Will Be Show’s Last

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

AMC, the channel behind the hit show The Walking Dead, says that the next season, which is the second-half of season 6, returning February, will be the last.

“Frankly, the show has gotten stale,” said showrunner Mark Lyons. “When we started this show, it was all people talked about, and now, it’s gone a little downhill. We started noticing it when people would post spoilers about characters or deaths on their social media pages, and no one even complained about it. When that starts happening, you know it’s time.”

Actors on the show say that they are “relieved” that the show will not be getting picked up for another season, because they’ve all gotten “pretty damn sick” of playing out the same storylines over and over again.

“There only so much walking, talking, and zombie killing you can really do before the audience gets bored, and before the actors get bored,” said star Norman Reedus. “Frankly, I hope that Darryl does die. At least now I know no one will riot, because no one is even really watching the show. I’ll be happier going back to movies, anyway. Boondock Saints 3 is on my horizon, and I can’t wait.”

Man Arrested For Killing His Roommate After He Touches Food With Dirty Fingers

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Benjamin Hopes admitting to hitting his roommate, Paul Bard, seven times in the face with a cast iron skillet.

If his defense all he had to say is, “Someone who fucks with your food doesn’t deserve to live. I saw his hands down the back of his pants, scratching his ass, then he went for my chips. I just snapped.” Hopes admits that he then dragged Bard’s body into his bedroom, and went about his normal routine for the day.

“After I had come out of it, I knew I was going to prison, and I was real hungry. So I had a nice fat steak, a couple of beers, and called a couple gals over to party,” said Hopes. Police were called after one guest found the body when searching for a bathroom.

“In retrospect I should have put him in the closet or something,” said Hopes. “I cleaned up the blood from off the floor and the walls, but when she found that bastard it really killed the mood. After that I knew there was no chance I was getting laid, so I called the police and turned myself in.”

Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

Toddler Running With Scissors Accidentally Kills Sister

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

A 5-year-old boy didn’t listen when he was told not to run with scissors, or perhaps he was never told. Tragically, the young boy was playing with real, non-safety scissors when accidentally fell into his sister, stabbing her in the face. She bled to death before being discovered later the same day in her toy box.

The mother, Karen Jones, 40, was reportedly heavily intoxicated and lay unconscious in her bedroom before police were finally called by neighbors about the little boy’s incessant screaming.

The neighbor who called police says, “In this neighborhood I’m surprised they didn’t find her with a needle in her arm. Sadly, it isn’t a surprise about that little girl. Kids running with scissors is deadly. More kids are dying from it every day. My little cousin was running with scissors, wasn’t looking, ran right into oncoming traffic.”

Authorities say the little boy will stay with family for now, while the district attorney decides how best to proceed.

Teenager Kills Parents With Machete After They Deny Him Dessert

Posted on December 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SASAFRASS, Mississippi –

A 19-year-old boy was arrested on Monday morning after calling 911 to report that he had murdered his parents.

“I hacked up my parents with a machete,” said the caller via the emergency number. “They pissed me off. They’ll never piss me off again.”

Police say that the teen, whose identity has not yet been released, was peacefully arrested in his home.

“When we arrive on the scene, the parents were everywhere,” said police chief Joel Clarke. “Pieces of mom here, chunks of dad there. It was a ghastly nightmare. The teen was busy taking pictures of himself holding the machete and posing menacingly. He was arrested with no incident.”

“They wouldn’t let me have any fucking cheesecake for dessert,” said the teen, who weighs over 300 pounds. “They were trying to help me ‘lose weight,’ yet they’re stuffing their fat faces with food right in front of me. They deserved it. They’ll be losing weight in hell, now.”

The teen faces first degree murder charges. In the state of Mississippi, he will likely receive the death penalty if convicted.

Homeless Man Found In Walmart Storage Room With Over 50 Dead Bodies, Many Of Them Skinned

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DECATUR, Alabama –

A homeless man, who has yet to be identified, was arrested on Friday after a Walmart store employee found him hiding in the store’s old storage room. Police found over 50 bodies in various states of decomposition in the storage room as well, many of them fully skinned.

“We believe that this man, who will not give us his name and who does not appear to be in our systems, moved into the storage room of the local Walmart almost 2 years ago, after the store was remodeled,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith. “So far, we have identified several of the victims, but will not be releasing names until the families are notified.”

The homeless man, who local papers are calling The Skinner, reportedly had been living in the Walmart for years, but went unnoticed as a remodel of the building had boarded up a segment of the old warehouse and storage room.

“There was no way into the storage room from the inside of the store, and the outside was covered by brush and trees that had been planted or grown wild over time,” said the store manager, Jim Carson. “It appears this man was able to move in and out of the building without being seen by using this door, which was not connected to our alarm systems.”

According to police, they are charging the man with first degree murder, in a total count of 56 cases, although they are still determining the total number of bodies discovered. Medical examiners say that most of the victims were between 14 and 25 years old.

Walmart Manager ‘Happy’ Only 3 Employees Killed During Black Friday Sale

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JOHNSONVILLE, Indiana –

Carl Rogers has been a manager at Walmart for over 10 years, and has been through his fair share of Black Friday sales.

“I’ve been through it all. People being trampled, fights breaking out, shootings, stabbings. I even once had a man bludgeon another man to death with a 27″ TV they were both fighting over,” said Rogers. “This year, by comparison, was a breeze.”

Rogers says that only 3 of his employees were killed during a mad rush as the doors opened at his location, which is the lowest amount killed in several years.

“Last year, it was 5 killed. Two were trampled to death, two were stabbed, and one died of a heart attack,” said Rogers. “We were sincerely hoping for no deaths this year, but frankly, 3 isn’t too bad. At least it wasn’t any customers. I’m pretty happy with the day.”

Walmart’s Black Friday specials roll on through Sunday, with most stores having plenty of items still in stock.

Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.