12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLTON, California –

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

Man Arrested After Going On Murder Spree, Killing Over 30 Registered Sex Offenders

Posted on October 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OMAHA, Nebraska –

A Nebraska man was arrested after he was caught in the act of strangling someone to death in an alley outside of a Omaha McDonald’s, police say. According to reports, Joel Miller, 42, was arrested for assault and attempted murder, and during questioning admitted that he had killed more than 30 people already, all of them registered sex offenders.

“I’ve been killing pedos and perverts for, damn, close to 15 years now,” said Miller. “Started when I was 26 or so, after a girl I was dating was raped and murdered. I tracked the guy down myself, slit his throat. I realized I had a real knack for it after that, so I kept going.”

Miller says that he wishes he hadn’t gotten caught, because he has a list of at least 3 more local “perverts” that he wanted to “knock off.”

“A friend of mine – we go way back – his daughter was molested by his babysitter’s boyfriend. Everyone knew he did it. The police couldn’t prove it. The girl, she’s only 7, she clammed right up. Barely spoken since, and she won’t admit it. Well, I did the world a favor when I cut his dick off and rammed it down his throat.”

Police say that, despite the “positive” nature of the crimes, Miller will still be more than likely sentenced to death for his crimes.

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

Heroin Addict Kills Mother In Front of Family, Blames It On ‘Having A Bad Day’

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DRESDEN, Mississippi –

Keith Jordon admits he killed his mother and says the reason she is dead is that he was having a stressful day. Jordon had been fired from his job two months before, for poor attendance, and his roommates were now kicking him out because he wasn’t able to make rent.

Jordon’s sister, Denise Jordon, witnessed the brutal attack on their mother. “She’d already given him money for last month’s rent, but of course he used it for drugs. Here he was, begging for more. When she refused to give it to him, he stabbed her.”

Keith Jordon reportedly stabbed his mother five times, and then continued to stand over her and kick her, which he blames on the fact he was withdrawing from Suboxone.

Although Suboxone is often prescribed for opiate addiction, Jordan had been getting it on the streets since a local drug bust interrupted his heroin supply.

“People are forgetting how I feel. It really hurts me that my mom is gone. I really want to just zonk right out and not think about it. They won’t even give you a Valium in jail, man. I thought I was supposed to get medical care in here.”

Jordon also blames the system for contributing to the situation. “If they would just stop this stupid war on drugs, I would still be able to get my heroin on the cheap like it was. None of this would have ever happened.”

Homicide Investigator, Edward Watson says, “This is typical addict behavior. He had no money and a trigger. Boom. Clear motive. He confessed immediately after being detained.”

Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire –

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Mother Arrested For Burning Her 4-Year-Old Child Alive; Claims Toddler Was A Witch

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Delaware –

A Delaware mother was arrested and charged with first-degree murder after allegedly tying her 4-year-old child to a stake in their back yard and burning her alive. The mother, Amber Stone, says that she needed to perform the burning because her toddler was showing “witch-like” powers.

“When Julie was a baby, everything was normal, but in the last couple months, she’d been displaying horrible, witch-like attributes,” said Stone in a police interview. “She would cry all the time, and whine. Often times, when she didn’t get her way, things would happen in the house, like a light bulb would burn out or the dog would bark uncontrollably. It was very frightening.”

Stone says that she initially consulted a priest in hopes of getting an exorcism, but she was denied because she was Jewish. In the end, she said her online research led her to believe that her daughter was actually a witch.

“I didn’t believe it at first, but there were entire forums dedicated to it, and Julie was definitely a witch, or was going to become one soon,” said Stone. “I asked users on Reddit what they thought I should do, and they said the only way to free her soul was to burn her alive at the stake, so that’s what I did.”

Police reports indicate that Stone built a small fire pit in her back yard with a long pole in the middle. She reportedly tied up her daughter, wrapped her in a blanket, and doused her with lighter fluid. Police were called when neighbors complained of a “horrific odor” emanating from the Stone’s house.

Amber Stone faces the death penalty for her crime. Lawyers for the defendant say that she has “no chance in Hell” of being found not guilty, and that they barely plan to try and defend her.

NASCAR Driver Kurt Busch’s Ex-Girlfriend Admits He Was Right, Says ‘I Am A Trained Assassin’

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DOVER, Delaware –

In a deposition last week, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch stated that he believed his ex-girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, was a trained assassin.

“Everybody on the outside can tell me I’m crazy, but I lived on the inside and saw it firsthand,” said Busch, who stated that he believed Driscoll traveled the world as a hired killer, and that he once caught her in their home, covered in blood.

Initially denying the claims, Driscoll stated that Busch was just taking plot elements from a movie script that she had been writing, and that he had read. This morning, though, Driscoll shockingly admitted that the screenplay she had been writing was autobiographical, and that she was, indeed, a trained assassin.

“It’s true that I have travelled the world, and I am a trained assassin,” began Driscoll in a surprising statement. “I am currently writing a screenplay based on my life as a member of The Foot, a secret clan of ninja assassins that have been fighting our enemies for decades.”

Driscoll claims that she first joined The Foot clan almost 15 years ago, and quickly became one of their most deadly warriors.

“They sent me all over the world, hunting people who they said we our enemies. I have killed many people in the name of The Foot, although our greatest enemies – Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Donatello – have evaded me for years. Sadly, Kurt has blown my cover as a covert, deadly assassin, so I must go into hiding before I am captured or killed.”

Busch, who was later asked about Driscoll’s announcement, said that he wasn’t surprised.

“I knew that she was deadly. I’m telling you, guys, she killed Bin Landen! She killed Hussein! She probably killed JFK! I don’t know. All I know is, I’m glad this is all out in the open, now. See – I’m not crazy! I’m not! She’s a killer!”

Busch is reportedly being taken into hiding by NASCAR officials, out of fear of retaliation from The Foot Clan.

Elementary School Principal Fired, Arrested For Planning Real-Life ‘Purge’

Posted on December 11, 2014 by Chip

WINTERFLOCK, Pennsylvania –

Principal Douglas Warner has officially been let go from his position at the Boutland Elementary School located in the small town of Winterflock, Pennsylvania. Warner was removed from his position after it was discovered he had been planning a school ‘purge’ modeled after the blockbuster hit movie The Purge, in which one day a year American citizens are able to kill each other without worrying about legal recourse.

It has been reported that Principal Warner has been planning the purge for months, and intended to follow through with the act at the beginning of the new year. Warner said he wanted to wait until 2015 so the parents of any affected children would be able to spend one last Christmas with their kids.

Police questioned Warner about his reasoning behind the school purge, and Warner said it was all about ‘weeding out’ the troublemakers.

“It’s obvious I was just fantasizing at an attempt to help society by weeding out some of the crazy, violent, troubled kids, and of course, the school bullies,” said Warner. “I mean come on, I wasn’t really going to do it, as far as you know…but you have to understand that there are always those certain kids who are just tiny little assholes. If we just get rid of those kids now, then we won’t have to deal with them when they are in tenth grade, bringing their dads handguns to school underneath their trench coats.”

Warner’s purge was uncovered when a fourth grade teacher found a notebook detailing explicit plans of the even, and turned it over to local police. Police reports show that within the notebook Warner had listed his intention of arming all students with make shift weapons the day of the purge.

Though Warner has been let go from his job at Boutland Elementary and was initially arrested, he was eventually released when police said they didn’t have enough evidence of crime to convict. It remains unclear if further legal action will be taken against Warner. In addition, legal sources have said that Warner would be able to get a principal job at a school within a different district without issue, assuming no charges are filed.