Kim Jong-Un Says Most Important Thing To Discuss With Trump Is ‘Mean Internet Memes’

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Leader of North Korea says he accepts Trump’s request to talk to him, and would like to discuss suing the internet over offensive memes. Trump’s reputation of suing when his feelings are hurt proceeds him. Trump has sued the artist who depicted him with a micropenis, satire website The Onion for liable, and the New York Times for twisting his words.

Kim Jong-Un says he is disgusted by the amount of unflattering memes and artwork he sees on a Google image search. “Supreme leader should not be portrayed in undignified way. I understand Trump has same problem and would like to discuss suing the internet.”

Trump sympathizes with Jong-Un. Trump says, “I’m a little jealous of the guy. No one’s making an offensive meme in his country. He’s got respect. But the little gooks got to understand here in the United States of America, land of the free, once the internet’s got an image of you, it’s gone.”

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Killed In Snowmobiling Accident

NEW YORK CITY, New York – North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un Killed In Snowmobiling Accident

The Associated Press in New York City, New York is receiving reports from the office of North Korean second-in-command Hwan Cho that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has been killed during a horrific snowmobiling accident just hours ago.

In the onslaught of reports bombarding press rooms, it is said that Kim Jong-un received a snowmobile as a Christmas gift from Russian President Vladimir Putin. The two had previously bonded over their shared hatred of the United States, and had developed a very close friendship according to North Korean third-in-command Chung Chin-mae, who has released a more detailed statement of the tragic account.

In his statement sent worldwide, Chung said that the Supreme Leader had taken the gift out for a joyride just after breakfast.

“It is with a heavy heart filled with sadness that I issue my words upon the people of the world, and relay this tragic message. Kim Jong-un has died after an accident involving the snowmobile given to him as a Christmas gift by Russian President Putin. Supreme Leader took the machine out for riding, and struck a tree branch. He was decapitated, dying only hours later,” Chung said in the statement.

Of course, the news bring mixed emotions among the public of North Korea. Some citizens have taken to the streets with joy, holding signs with phrases of relief, such as”We Are Free”, “The Evil Has Died”, and “America Wins.”

The thirty-one year old Kim had assumed the office of North Korean Supreme Leader on December 17th, 2011. He is survived by his spouse, Ri Sol-ju, a child, Kim Ju-ae, and live-in man slave Dong Bong-cha. Funeral arrangements have not been announced. Second-in-command Hwan Cho has reportedly assumed the title of Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Kim Jong Un Admits He Loved ‘The Interview,’ Plans To Show The Film To North Korean People

PYONGANG, North Korea – Kim Jong Un Admits He Loved 'The Interview,' Plans To Show The Film To North Korean People

Continuing with the controversy surrounding the new release of the movie The Interview, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has said that he was wrong to have publicly debased the film, and that after watching the movie, found it to be “hysterical.”

Sony had initially pulled the movie from theatres after backing down due to terrorist threats, and the world let out a collective angry scream as they wouldn’t get a glimpse at why this movie was considered to be too dangerous to show. Shortly afterwards, though, the company reversed their decision, and allowed the film to be screened at any theatre wishing to show it, as well as releasing it through streaming media services such as YouTube and XBox Media Center.

“Having now been able to actually see the movie, his supreme ruler Kim Jong un has reversed his previous statements about it, and now deems it to be something the world should see, as he believes it makes him look very human,” said a publicist for Jong un. “The movie will even be shown in North Korea, albeit cut to promote our Supreme Leader as the hero and God that he is.”

Kim Jong un claims that the only reason he ever denounced the film was that he was angry that producers had never sent him a copy for review, and he had never even been given the chance to see it. Once the movie was made available publicly, he made time to watch and review the movie.

“Supreme Leader has said that he is glad that someone made him a bootleg copy of the film for him to see,” said the publicist. “Kim Jong un is an avid movie fan, and loves Hollywood cinema. He also wishes to be able to receive further screener copies of movies so as he can begin work on his new movie review website for the North Korean people, ‘SupremeLeaderWatchesMoviesBecauseYouCannot.com'”

 

13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

WATERVILLE, Maine – 13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

What is believed to be the most vicious cyber attack in history, and has been blamed on everyone from North Korea to Russian hackers, is now being directly linked to a 13-year-old boy from small town Waterville, Maine.

Many believed that North Korea and supreme leader Kim Jong-un were responsible for the massive hack against Sony Entertainment because of the Seth Rogen comedy film The Interview, a movie about the successful assassination of Jong-un. Even President Obama issued an official statement, denouncing Sony’s decision to give into threats and pull the film from its Christmas Day opening.

The teenager, whose identity is not yet being released due to his age, but uses the online handle ‘Cereal Killer,’ confessed to the crime in an email sent to federal investigators.

“Basically, he sent in emails confessing to the crime, and blamed it all on the fact that all his friends had gotten Playstation 4 consoles, and he was stuck with the old XBox 360. He felt abandoned, and like he had no friends left in the world,” FBI spokesperson Gerald Carmichael told the Associated Press. “So he wanted to ‘make Sony pay.’ Curiously, Sony Entertainment, as in the films, and Sony’s video game division, are two completely separate entities.”

“It’s just what I could get into, you know?” said the wayward teen in his emails. “I tried to break into the game division computers first. I thought I could maybe steal some unfinished games and release them online. But that one was too hard. Instead, I got into the movie studio computers, and got to watch Annie before it came out. The movie really, really sucked, by the way.”

“The boy is clearly a genius when it comes to electronics and the computer language in this technology age,” said Charmichael. “It reminds me of the movie War Games a little bit, that one from the 80s with Matthew Broderick. Here is this boy savant, who is just amazing at computers. It is really unbelievable that a young child could possess so much dangerous knowledge. Hell, I couldn’t do what he did, and I’ve been studying computers for ages.”

While the crime is being thoroughly investigated, the teen will be kept in the custody of the FBI. Carmichael declined to discuss what charges or any possible punishments the boy is facing.

BREAKING: North Korea Launches Nuclear Missile Towards The United States

PYONGYANG, North Korea – BREAKING- North Korea Launches Nuclear Missile Towards The United States

Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, has launched a series of nuclear missiles towards the United States in retaliation for the release of the new Seth Rogen and James Franco big-budget comedy film The Interview.

The nuclear capabilities of North Korean military forces are in their infancy, and so far no missiles have traveled further than a few kilometers, military experts say. “We’re on high alert in case any missile comes close to entering American territory,” said US Army spokesperson Turk Hudsonberry. “We’ve been able to track the missiles with spy satellites, and so far only two have managed to launch. Of those two, one was a dud, while the other one wiped out a bridge near the Taedong River,” he added.

Although North Korean forces have thus far been unsuccessful in their attempts to inflict damage anywhere near American soil, US military personnel never underestimates the significance of any perceived attack. “We take each and every threat against the United States seriously,” said Hudsonberry, “no matter how weak or inept they may seem.”

In the Rogen and Franco film, the duo play tabloid show stars who land an interview with Kim Jong-un, and are recruited by the CIA to “take him out.”

“I guess he just doesn’t have that big a sense of humor,” said Hollywood insider and North Korean military expert Danny Nang. “Reports circulated last June that Kim Jong-un was extremely upset with the film’s plot, but we never expected military retaliation.  We suspect that the Supreme leader is one of the few people in the country with access to a satellite to view worldwide media, which would explain his knowledge that the film existed.”

In August of 2013, photos from a North Korean military parade showed what were purported to be Intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). “They were the same ICBMs used in the previous year’s parade,” said Nang, “except new numbers were painted over the old ones. Military experts determined they were fakes designed more for show.”

Hudsonberry stressed that all threats against the United States are treated with the highest priority. “Kim Jung-un’s actions should never be underestimated. His government goes to great lengths to display the country’s military might, and what North Korea shows on the outside does not necessarily represent what takes place on the inside. We remain on high alert, and are confident that our anti-missile systems will effectively counter and completely demolish any military attack before it poses any real threat to the US,” he added.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Arrested, Deposed

PYONGYANG, North Korea – North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Arrested, Deposed

It had been several weeks since North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was last seen in public, during a concert he attended with his wife on September 3rd. Rumors swirled that he had become ill or perhaps even died, but because of intense media control in North Korea, there were more questions than answers during his disappearance.

Earlier this morning, photographs began to surface in the United States of a visibly beaten and bruised Kim Jong-un being led by what appear to be police or military officers, and we have come to learn that he has been deposed, quickly and forcefully removed from power. Full details at this time are unknown, but what has been learned is that Jong-un was taken and apparently tortured after the concert on September 3rd, held in an unknown location for several weeks.

North Korean government leaders had been hiding the fact that Jong-un was unaccounted for, and have so far made no public comments since he has resurfaced. Although definitely pleased with having their dictator removed from power, North Korean citizens are so far refusing to celebrate, for fear of government retaliation.

At this time, it is unknown who was involved in the takedown of the North Korean leader, and if the United States or other countries were part of or privy to the overthrowing.

 

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