WASHINGTON, D.C. –
A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.
“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”
A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.
A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.
LOS ANGELES, California –
Starbucks has been accused of ripping customers off by under-filling customers’ cups, and a class action suit will press for damages. If successful anyone who purchased Starbucks between 2011-2016 will be able to claim free products or receive a cash refund of an undetermined amount. According to the suit, customers have been ripped off up to three ounces per cup, due to intentional underfill.
Outraged customer Lillith Grace says she feels entitled to a cash reward. “Starbucks sizes have a corresponding ounce equivalent. If you’re not getting it, you’re being ripped off. If you pay for something and don’t get it, you should be compensated.”
Other customers disagree with the suit. “I’ve experienced this problem and I solved it by taking the drink back to the barista and asking for more coffee to be added since the drink was almost half foam. It’s sad that this constitutes a problem in America. I doubt people in other countries are worried about too much foam in their coffee drinks,” says Chris Tibette.
A former employee, Melody Joy says the cups are underfilled to prevent spillage. “I worked for Starbucks and we left the room in the cups so the drinks are not so easily spilled. Starbucks would be sued if they filled them to the brim and people got burnt or ruined their clothes. Variables such as cream or foam require room to be left at the top to add them. Without that space it makes it impossible for the customer to handle their drink if it’s too full. If your cup isn’t full enough tell the barista at that time!”
PYONGANG, North Korea –
Leader of North Korea says he accepts Trump’s request to talk to him, and would like to discuss suing the internet over offensive memes. Trump’s reputation of suing when his feelings are hurt proceeds him. Trump has sued the artist who depicted him with a micropenis, satire website The Onion for liable, and the New York Times for twisting his words.
Kim Jong-Un says he is disgusted by the amount of unflattering memes and artwork he sees on a Google image search. “Supreme leader should not be portrayed in undignified way. I understand Trump has same problem and would like to discuss suing the internet.”
Trump sympathizes with Jong-Un. Trump says, “I’m a little jealous of the guy. No one’s making an offensive meme in his country. He’s got respect. But the little gooks got to understand here in the United States of America, land of the free, once the internet’s got an image of you, it’s gone.”
GORDON, Texas –
Parents of a 15-year-old teen are suing their local school district over their dress policy, after their daughter was sent home one day for inappropriate clothing. The school’s dress code policy requires that girls wear skirts, jumpers, frumpy jeans or “skorts.”
“My little daughter has the perfect little legs – well slightly knobby knees, but that’s not the point. If she was some chunky monkey I could understand prohibiting her from wearing skinny jeans,” said Mario Lewis, whose daughter, Samantha, was sent home for her clothing. “It would be in her own benefit. Just because some girls cannot pull them off does not mean my daughter should be punished.”
“The school is also forcing certain ideas about what it means to be a woman. If I had wanted wardrobe discrimination I would have shipped her off to some charter school where the dress code dictates she always wear dresses and be a proper lady. As a parent I made the informed decision to send her to public school where she could dress like a little skank if she saw fit. It’s my first amendment right.”
Other parents are upset, not at the ban of skinny jeans, but that it does not apply to everybody. “The gay kids get away with it,” says one father, who did not want his name used for fear saying something about gay kids made him look like a homosexual himself.
Some members of the community feel the dress code should be even stricter. Paul Acker, local resident says, “We should go back to a time when girls knew that the husband wears the pants. God’s plan for men and women is different, and not only skinny jeans but short skirts and makeup are a signal to Satan.”
CONCORD, New Hampshire
John Whitie, convicted of brutally murdering Bernadette Serra, a seventy year old woman, says the problem is that he was not disciplined as a child. He says if his father would have put the fear of God into him, he would have been a good person.
Whitie, 43, beat Mrs. Serra to death during the course of a home invasion. Even though the frail woman had already turned over her prescription pills, food stamp card, and spare change, Whitie knocked her unconscious with a cast iron door stop, striking her at least five times. He then preceded to place her body under her gigantic box TV and stage the scene so that it looked like it the television had fallen on her.
“My dad was a pussy. Never stood up to me. If they woulda just whipped me right as a kid, I wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Faced with a life sentence, Whitie regrets he cannot be a good father to his own son. “It’s too bad I ain’t out so I can whip him into a decent man. “
CARSON, Nevada –
A 16-year-old teen has reportedly filed a lawsuit against his parents because he claims that their “faulty genetics” caused him to be born with red hair, and school bullies have been picking on him for years, calling him “soulless” and a “ginger.”
“If my parents hadn’t been weak, pathetic nerds, maybe they could have created someone who didn’t have pasty skin, freckles, and flaming red hair,” said Kyle Jones, who filed the lawsuit after partnering with a lawyer from the ACLU. “Both of my parents were losers in high school, they both have red hair, and they were both bullied for it, too. They should have known that I would also get bullied, and they should have not been allowed to have children.”
Jones says that he would rather have not been born than having to deal with the bullying that he’s endured for most of his life.
“Kids are mean, and because I’m a redhead, they’re more mean than they would be if I was a loser who had dark hair,” said Jones. “Hell, even the goth kids and the emo queers don’t get picked on as much as I do. They deserve to pay for creating me.”
Jones and his lawyers say they are seeking $4.4 million in damages for “emotional and mental abuse.”
CARSON CITY, Nevada –
Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.
“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”
Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.
“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”
Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.
CARSON CITY, Kansas –
Mark Jameson, 38, says that he is suing Sonic Drive-In Restaurants after they gave him a frozen drink with a lid that was not attached properly, causing him to spill the frigid beverage all over his crotch.
“I got shrinkage like you wouldn’t imagine, because the drink was so cold,” said Jameson, a computer technician. “Not only was my junk frostbitten, but I couldn’t get an erection for several days. My girlfriend was extremely dissatisfied.”
Jameson says that he has been frequenting Sonic restaurants for years, and that even though they have always had sub-par food, their drinks are okay.
“This one time I go through, and it ruins my week,” said Jameson. “Clearly there’s some compensation that needs to happen, here. My lawyer says I have a hell of a case.”
PORTERVILLE, Arkansas –
A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.
“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”
The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.
“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”
MIAMI, Florida –
Kyle Reese, 50, says that he is taking suit against a Hooters location in Miami, Florida, after a recent visit to the restaurant. According to Reese, he was assigned a “tiny-titted” waitress, and was refused service after he requested a girl with a “bigger rack.”
“As the great Chris Rock said, ‘No one goes to Hooters for wings,'” said Reese. “I went there, and I wanted to oogle. I have gone many times, and I always get good looking, stacked chicks. This time, I got some small-titted, timid girl. It’s not my type. I asked to be seated somewhere else, and they said no. Then they refused to serve me at all when I demanded a hotter girl.”
Management in the restaurant say that they had no choice but to ask Reese to leave after he began screaming about “tits and ass” inside the family establishment.
“We are a family-friendly place, and we had many other people eating at the time,” said manager Joel Silver. “This was not the kind of environment we want our other guests to have to deal with, so Mr. Reese was removed from the property.”
Reese is seeking $2 million dollars in damages, claiming that the restaurant falsely advertised their product.