Trump Administration Plans To Legalize ‘Most Drugs’ Including Heroin To Help Stop Addiction



In a new statement from the White House, President Trump has said that he plans to work with states to help tackle harsh drug addiction by doing what he did to quit smoking nearly 30 years ago.

“I used to smoke, and it disgusted even me,” said President Trump. “The only way I was able to quit was to smoke until I puked I smoked about 9 packs in a matter of an hour. I never wanted to smoke again. I strongly believe that the best way to kick a habit is to overdo it. If you want to kick heroin or meth or cocaine, you just have to do an obscene amount of it. Legalizing drugs will help.”

Despite Trump’s health advisors explaining the drastic consequences this could have, Trump is reportedly undeterred.

“I also used to do a lot of cocaine. The only way I kicked that habit was by flying to Colombia and doing lines of pure white off the back of a hooker,” said Trump. “Sometimes, abundance is the only way to really flush something out of your system.”

Although Trump plans to sign an executive order later this week legalizing non-prescription drugs for use by anyone over the age of 18, there is bound to be an extreme backlash from anti-drug groups.

New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

law firm

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

Johnson & Johnson Announce New Tylenol With THC To Hit Market In Select Cities


BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Johnson & Johnson, the makers behind Tylenol pain reliever, announced today their intentions to begin selling their name-brand product with a THC additive. The company says that along with helping in pain relief, the THC also creates a “mild euphoric effect,” which can help patients in chronic pain.

“We’ve been studying the effects of marijuana, and its active ingredient, THC, for many years,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Hal Williams. “When combined with acetaminophen, the active ingredient of Tylenol, THC will work wonders in helping patients in long-term, chronic pain, to get some relief.”

Williams says that the company will only be marketing the product in places where medical or recreational marijuana has been made legal, but that they hope that, within a few years, they will be able to sell it openly, over-the-counter, everywhere in the United States.

“America has made leaps and bounds in legalizing marijuana and THC, specifically, but we’re not all the way there yet,” said Williams. “Johnson & Johnson definitely supports the efforts of groups looking to legalize, and we openly support the idea that this plant can be used as a medicine to treat many diseases.”

Maine To Become First State To Legalize Heroin


AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been at the forefront of a widespread battle against heroin addiction, with much of New England having some of the highest numbers of users in the country. Where doctors have failed, heroin has flourished, giving many people suffering from severe pain a way to reduce their issues at a fraction of the cost.

“The state of Maine is extremely happy to announce that we are the first to allow our citizens to freely use heroin,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “We have tried battling the addiction. We have tried regulating doctors to only allow certain medicines to be prescribed, so as not to cause more people to become addicted to painkillers. Alas, we’ve failed. Instead, we’re taking a different route.”

LePage says that he hopes that legalization of heroin will help to allow more people to get their pain and issues under control.

“If you can’t beat them, then it’s time to join them. Or in this case, it’s time to let them be free to make those choices,” said LePage. “Doctors are the number one reason that people get hooked on heroin. They prescribe heavy opiate painkillers to people, and when those prescriptions run out, those patients look to the streets. You can get some heroin for $10 on the streets, and your backache will be gone. Why not try it, right?”

LePage says that further regulating the drug would be a “horrible idea,” and that legalization will be pushed through as soon as possible.

Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic


DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

Washington D.C. Tourist Board To Give Free Weed As Incentive To Visit City



Tourism at the nation’s capital is on the decline, and the Washington D.C. Tourism Board plans to do something about it. Since Initiative 71 was passed in November of 2015, it is now legal in the nation’s capital to give marijuana as a gift. Each tourist will be able to go to stop by locations such as Destination DC for up to a free gram of marijuana.

“The decline in tourism has been linked to a major decline in patriotism, and a new generation who wants more out of their vacation than lame selfies in front of the Lincoln Monument,” said Mark Long, director of tourism for the city. “It’s just not going to do it for kids today. We’ve surveyed hundreds of teenagers about whether they would be interested in going to D.C. someday. 4 out of 5 said no, and 1 out of 5 just rolled their eyes and refused to respond completely.”

“Look how well Colorado is doing. We need to attract that young stoner crowd. Washington has quite the night life- plenty of things for young hipsters to do,” said Washington D.C. resident and stoner Kyle Reese. “They may find our monuments and attractions boring while sober, but a little pot and everything’s more fun!”

Lemonade Stands A Thing of the Past? Children In Colorado Starting ‘Weed Stands’

weedBOULDER, Colorado – 

It’s been over a year and a half since marijuana was legalized in Colorado for recreational use, and it seems that the state has been doing extremely well. With a massive influx in cash, the state has been able to use the money for better their police and firehouses, to fix and maintain roadways, and for supercharging the education system.

It’s the last part that has gotten some children notice lately, as last week, two 11-year-old boys in Boulder began selling marijuana at a roadside stand. The two say they got the idea during their 5th grade math class.

“Our teacher, Mr. Ames, he told us we could do anything we wanted in life, including selling drugs!” said Joey Goldsmith, 11. “I never thought about it before, but now that weed is legal, anyone can get it. Well, anyone over 18. Thankfully, I have an older brother and he gets and smokes it all the time, so he lets me take some and my buddy Mike and I sell it in my front yard.”

Joey says that he and Mike have made over $4,000 in just under 6 days, selling medical-grade marijuana to the people of their suburban neighborhood.

“It’s a really great idea,” said Mike Falkner, also 11. “I took my $2,000, and I bought an XBox One and a PS4. It’s pretty awesome!”

Both children say their parents have been “very supportive” of their marijuana stand, and plan to help them in any way they can.

“With the amount of money that Joey is making, I was actually able to take more time off from work so that I could help them sell,” said Marlene Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “I was a pediatric nurse making $11.50 an hour, so frankly, there’s more money in dealing.”

Authorities say they have checked on the status of the marijuana stand, and that the boys have done everything legally, including getting a dispensary license and filing forms with the state as a legitimate LLC.

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

Several Southern States Consider Legalizing Murder Of African-Americans To Better Serve Police Forces

AUSTIN, Texas – 

Several states throughout the southern part of the country, including Texas, Kentucky, and Alabama, are considering passing laws that will legalize the violent murders of African-Americans by policemen and women, to help ‘better serve’ the officers, who many legislators are saying have a job that is tough enough without worrying about possible arrest and conviction themselves.

“There have been several high-profile arrests and trials of white police officers over the last several years after they have been accused of killing ‘innocent’ black men in the streets,” said congressman Vinnie Relso (R-Texas). “I brought forth these new laws, new concepts, because I want our men and women in blue to feel safe. Safe on the streets, safe in their jobs, and safe from prosecution from having to use their weapons in the line of duty.”

Relso says that he has garnered much support from other members of congress, as well as constituents in his home state of Texas.

“Oh hell yes, I don’t see a problem at all with killing a couple gang-banging spooks once in a while,” said Austin resident Gil Myers. “Back when I was a kid, we didn’t have gangs. We sure as shit didn’t have blacks. Now Austin is a violent city full of violent criminals. I don’t carry if a black kid’s got a gun or not when he’s walking down the street. If a police officer wants him to stop and answer some questions, there’s probably a reason. If the officer has to gun him down, shit, he probably had a reason, too. No harm, no foul.”

Many opponents of the proposed bill have stepped up to rally against Relso, who says he has received many death threats since the news first broke of his plans.

“To be honest, though, I don’t pay those threats any mind whatsoever,” said Relso. “As far as I’m concerned, all the emails are from well-to-do blackies and their well-to-do liberal friends, and they’ll never even attempt to say the same things to my face. Besides, everyone knows that no Democrat can fire a gun with an accuracy, anyway.”

Congress Passes Nationwide Legalization of Recreational Marijuana

Congress Passes Nationwide Legalization of Recreational Marijuana



Weed smokers all over the United States lit up a victory joint on Friday morning in celebration of a legislative decision to allow recreational marijuana to be used in restrictive quantities in all fifty states. The decision came from President Obama, and was broadcast live on over fifty different streaming websites. Obama announced the decision at a gathering of weed smokers in Washington, D.C.

The historical decision was announced in a broadcast that lasted less than five minutes.  President Obama said, “We, as the American people have rights and privileges in this country. These rights and privileges have included things like smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. Today, our country takes another step forward. It is my executive decision, as President of the United States of America, to legalize the use of recreational marijuana in all fifty states. Now, this isn’t absolute freedom – there will be some minor restrictions on the amount you can buy in one day. Also, all offenders of weed-related crimes are to be evaluated and released from their incarceration, ultimately saving millions in taxpayer dollars.”

The crowd of weed smokers cheered as they quickly pulled out their easily accessible blunts to take a drag of freedom. A man nearby handed Obama his joint, and Obama smoked it with a large smile on my face. “This is what I’m talking about,” Obama shouted. “This is freedom!”

Local pothead Jordan Reiss, through a cloud of smoke, gave his shout of approval to President Obama. “Bruh, I never thought this would happen in, like, my lifetime. Obama my man, if you want a third term, you’ve got my vote.”

Before professionally heading back to the White House, the President was seen looking absolutely stoned with bloodshot eyes and a goofy smile on his face. He waved to the crowd and gave the stoners a big thumbs-up.

After coming down from his stupor, Obama was unavailable for comment.

Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of ‘Likes’ in Lawsuit

Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of 'Likes' in Lawsuit


MENLO PARK, California –

Tuesday’s Facebook outage was tough for its hundreds of millions of users around the globe, but for Detroit resident Peter Ferguson, it took more of a toll – at least according to the judge that awarded him thousands of ‘Likes’ in a groundbreaking lawsuit.

Ferguson, whose birthday was on the day of the outage, sued the social media giant, claiming that they’d ruined the only day on which his life seemed to matter to the outside world.

“I know it’s not all that it’s made out to be,” he told reporters. “I know that most people don’t even visit my profile to send their messages, and that some of them don’t even remember who I am. But that’s all I got. At least they’re getting that little red notification that puts me momentarily at the center of their attention. That’s all a guy like me could ask for.”

The court agreed, ordering Facebook to grant at least ten thousand ‘Likes’ to Ferguson’s next post – whether it’s a warped political opinion, or a video homage to his pet cat, Brock. They further ordered Facebook CEO and owner, Mark Zuckerberg, to personally comment on every status or shared media that the broken man posts over the next month, making up for the ruination of what was meant to be a very special birthday.

Legal experts around the world hailed the outcome as a victory for the common man against growing tech corporations.

“More and more, we’re seeing these companies taking advantage of the average citizen’s personal life,” said advocate Jerry Greenfield, talking on Fox News and Friends. “They think there’ll be no consequences to a move like this, taking away our most poignant means of connection. But now they know what happens when I don’t get to show off dinner to those undomesticated Philistines I call my friends.”

In response to the legal debacle, Facebook posted an update to its terms of use, stating that unplanned downtime will now be considered a feature, rather than an inconvenience – adding the thrill of uncertainty to its usually flawless usage. At the time of writing, Facebook executives reported that so far 73% of users have agreed to the new conditions without reading them.


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