Federal Government To Impose 3 Marriage Limit

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark decision, congress has ruled that citizens of the United States would be entitled to a maximum of 3 marriages, citing the excessive divorce rate that has burdened the nation.

“Plenty of people have gotten married multiple times, and it’s silly and absurd,” said congressman Joel Mitchell (R – Georgia). “Marriage should be a one-time-only event. You get married, and you stay with that person forever. I will admit that sometimes, marriages don’t work. I’ll even let someone get in a second marriage. It was the members of congress that voted, and set the limit at 3.”

According to Mitchell, the new law would not in anyway affect those that have had more than 3 marriages and are currently single, they just would no longer be able to get married again. For those people who are in the 4th or higher marriage, the union would become automatically annulled.

“We want people who are in marriages that are rocky to work things out, not just call it quits,” said Mitchell. “We hope that, in time, people understand that marriage isn’t a game, and that you can’t just walk out when the game gets tough.”

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

Speed Limit On Most Major Highways To Be Raised To 120mph

Posted on July 22, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a speed demon behind the wheel, you are going to love the new speed limit being enforced all across the United States. If you happen to like to drive a bit slower when in your car, you may want to consider public transportation.

As of September 1st, all major and highways will be raising the speed limits to 120 miles per hour. The decision was made in hopes to remove traffic clutter and provide a safer drive for families all over the nation. Highway patrol officials feel this is the best decision for travelers, and feel the new speed behind the steering wheel will give drivers more confidence and less driving time.

Fines will be given out to those who choose to stick with the standard 65 or 70 mph, and drivers are urged to begin being cautious of slower, “older” drivers who can’t get the hell out of their own way.

“Once people get used to the new speed limit, I feel that accident rates should drop dramatically,” said veteran highway patrolman Rick Myers. “I see so many accidents on the highways by people going 45, 50mph, and getting in other people’s way. This way, everyone will be going so fast, there won’t be time for accidents.”

The speed limit will only be dropped down to a solid 80 MPH during major snowfalls, or other conditions that may cause the roads to be hazardous.