Nestle Claims They ‘Couldn’t Care Less’ About Waferless Kit-Kat Or Girl Who Purchased Product

LONDON, England –

Saima Ahmad is demanding a lifetime supply of Kit-Kats, after biting into a waferless bar last month. The 20 year-old legal student from the UK claims to be distressed, having suffered a loss “of monetary and emotional significance.”

Nestle, who makes the Kit-Kat brand, says they “could not care less” what Ahmad wants.

“We have sent her a coupon for a free Nestle product up to 2 euros, which is certainly more than she paid for it. That is the policy,” says a Nestle customer service liaison. “Why she thinks she is entitled to a lifetime supply is beyond me. Probably because she’s a law student, and she’s a pretentious bitch who thinks because she’s studying to be a lawyer, she already knows the law. Good luck fighting out law team.”

Most major brands will send out coupons when they receive complaints about defective products. Although this is often more than covers the consumer’s loss, no company offers a “if we make one mistake, you win a lifetime supply” guarantee.

Ahmad says she deserves further compensation. “I’ll find a legal loophole and they’ll give me a lifetime supply. Just wait. I have a 3.8 GPA, and that says something about me and what I’m capable of doing when I put my nose to the grindstone!”

LONDON, England –

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.