Michelle Obama Reveals SHOCKING Secret: ‘I Was Born a Man!’



Michelle Obama has just revealed a shocking secret – one that the far-right has been hounding her about for years, but in fact, turns out to be true. Michelle Obama is transgender, and was actually born as a male.

“I was born Michael LaVaughn Robinson, and changed my name to Michelle when I was only 12-years-old,” said Obama. “I knew that it didn’t feel right. I wasn’t a boy. I never cared about doing boy things. I just wanted to be a princess, I wanted to ride ponies. When I was a teen, I realized I also liked boys. It was really a confusing, difficult time, but my parents were very supportive.”

Obama says she underwent surgery in her late 20s to begin converting to a woman, and the entire process was completed when she was in her early 30s, right before she met Barack.

“He has known from the beginning, of course,” said Obama. “I never shied away from my past, and there was no way I was going to get into a relationship with someone starting with a lie. So yes, he’s always been aware that I used to be a man.”

Michelle said that their children were not adopted, but they obviously used a surrogate, with Barack providing the sperm.

“They are biologically his children, for sure,” said Obama. “I am not going to disclose who the mother is, because it doesn’t matter. I am their mother. They know everything, and they don’t care. They see me as their mom, and always will, because that’s who I am – I’m mom.”


Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election



Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.


Hackers Plan To Release Donald Trump Sex Tape – But It’s Not Melania In The Video With Him!



After a slew of celebrity devices were hacked, a group of anonymous individuals have begun leaking nude images and sex tapes recorded by the celebrity victims. The latest seems to be President Donald Trump himself, as the group of hackers claims they have a sex tape that was taken “very recently,” but does not feature Trump’s wife Melania.

“We have procured a very salacious, very non-sexy video,” posted an anonymous hacker on the forum Reddit. “I’ve seen the video myself. I wish I hadn’t, but I have. And the person in the video is definitely Trump, and the other person is decidedly NOT Melania.”

According to the post, which included screenshots that we are not able to re-post here, the group would be releasing the full video if Trump did not step down from the Presidency. Although most would assume that he would never do that just to save face, the poster seems to think that the video is definitely something that will “get Trump thinking.”

“President Trump will know exactly what video we have if we mention the words ‘donkey’ and ‘whips,'” said the post. “We do not think that Trump, nor the man in the video with him, would want this information going public. Whoops, guess I slipped up there…”


Man Arrested For Defecating On Boss’ Desk After Winning State Lottery


AUGUSTA, Georgia –

Joel Fine, 32, was arrested on Friday evening after police say that he went into his place of employment and defecated on the desk of his boss, Mark Carson, at Excess Communications, a telecommunications company. Fine won a $6.7 million dollar lottery jackpot on Wednesday evening, and said that he waited until Friday to visit his employer, because he had “a present” for his former boss.

“I worked at Excess for nearly 5 years, and that sonofabitch rode me every single day, all day, with never a single solitary ‘thank you’ or any expression of gratitude of a job well done,” said Fine. “The guy went through the same training program as me, and moved up only because his uncle was the former manager, and when he quit, nepotism reared its ugly head.”

Fine says that he “couldn’t believe it” when he won the lottery, but almost as good as being able to never work again, was knowing that he would be able to finally “afford” the present he always wanted to deliver to Carson.

“I walked into my office on Friday, even though I wasn’t supposed to be there that day, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Carson. “Joel was crouched on top of my desk, pants around his ankles, and he was reading a newspaper. A big, steaming pile of shit was all over my monthly reports. When he saw me, he just smiled, and told me to ‘kiss his ass.'”

Carson called the police, and Fine was arrested for indecent exposure and criminal mischief. He was released on $2,000 bail, which he called “chump change” and “totally well worth it.”

Father Beats, Castrates Man Who He Says ‘Looked At Daughter In The Wrong Way’


DETROIT, Michigan – 

A Detroit man was arrested after he viciously beat and castrated a man who looked at his 16-year-old daughter while passing on the street. Carl Grover, 47, says that Mick Lowe, 19, deserved the attack, because he “checked out” his daughter.

“That sick bastard looked at my baby’s ass when we walked by on the street, and that ain’t no way to be acting around girls, especially my daughter,” said Grover. “Ain’t no one going to be thinking about putting their dick into my daughter, so ripped his off with my bare hands.”

Lowe, who is hospitalized and has already gone through 14 hours of extensive surgeries, is stable, but doctors say that his penis is completely gone, with no chance of being reattached.

“We have tried to make his penis a useable organ again, but the assailant was vicious in his attack, and tore it apart like a rabid dog,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a surgeon who has been treating Lowe. “It’s the most violent attack I believe I’ve ever seen.”

Lowe says that he never even noticed Grover or his daughter, until he was attacked from behind after he has passed them by.

“I definitely didn’t look at his daughter like he says,” claims Lowe. “I don’t normally go around checking out the backside of girls as I walk down the street. I mean, that isn’t typical of any gay man that I know.”

Channing Tatum Says He Still Has To Sleep With Pacifer

Channing Tatum, everyone's favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along
Channing Tatum, everyone’s favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along

LOS ANGELES, California – 

One of the manliest hunks in Hollywood today, Channing Tatum, says that he still sleeps with the pacifier that he has had since he was a baby, and that it’s the “only way” he can fall asleep at night.

“Honestly, I have tried ditching the thing a million times, but I just can’t get use to sleeping with my little binky,” said Tatum. “I wish that I could. It’s really embarrassing that I have to deal with it, but at this point, I’m just too old to call it quits.”

Tatum says that over the years, he’s had to have orthodontic surgery at least a dozen times to correct the overbite that the pacifier causes.

“Sucking your thumb, or a pacifier, or anything, over long periods of time, causes your mouth to change shape, and I’ve had to have surgery to fix my jaw and upper plate several times,” said Tatum. “I don’t want my face to change too much. The dentists see dollar signs when I walk in. But it’s worth it, honestly. I love my bink, and my wife is used to it. I just really hope that my kids don’t take on the same habits that I have.”

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide


PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald. 

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

Inmate Sues Prison System After Saying Multiple Assaults ‘Turned Him Gay’


CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.

“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”

Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.

“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”

Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.

Man Dies At Bachelor Party After Stripper’s Large Breasts Suffocate Him


MIAMI, Florida – 

Greg Miller, 24, died on Saturday evening at his bachelor party, after a stripper accidentally suffocated him with her breasts. The dancer, whose stage name is Jiggles, reportedly has size 39-Triple-E breasts, and often uses them by shoving them in the faces of her customers.

“I’ve put my ta-tas in the faces of hundreds of men, and they all really liked it,” said Jiggles, whose real name is Jessica Girth. “This guy, though, he friggin’ loved my tits, and he couldn’t get enough. He was stone cold sober, and was still talking about calling off the wedding because he loved shovin’ his face between em. It was intense.”

Jiggles says that during the part, Miller shoved his face between her breasts, and about 5-minutes later, she realized that he was no longer moving.

“I pulled his face out, and one of his buddies gave him CPR,” said Jiggles. “It was too late though. I guess he suffocated in there.”

“Man, what a fucking awesome way to go, though, right?!” said Miller’s best man, Mike Carlson. “That girl had some of the best tits I’ve ever seen, and they were so good he died over them. Well, in them. It’s crazy. I mean, I kind of feel bad for Brenda, his fiance, but she is sorta a bitch anyway, so no harm, no foul. I know that Mills is looking down at us right now, rubbing one out over his own death. Classic Miller, dude.”

Man Suffers Heart Attack After Wife Forces Him To Do Household Chores


PORTLAND, Oregon –

Mark Jones, 33, has died today after his wife, Rebecca, forced him to spend his entire day off from his construction job doing odd-jobs around the house.

Rebecca and Mark had been married for only 6 months, but friends close to Mark say that ever since the day of their wedding, Rebecca became a “different person,” and they had barely spoken to Mark in weeks.

“Before they got married, everything was great for Mark. You couldn’t wipe the smile off his face,” said best friend Ricky Smith. “He was always gloating about all the mouth-Js he was getting. How she couldn’t stay off of him. How she’d cook him fancy steak dinners and ride him, cowgirl style, while he played Call of Duty. To be honest, we were all really jealous.”

Another friend, Chris Lambert, says that all changed as soon as they got married.

“I just talked to Mark about a week ago. First time in 2 months. He told me how she hadn’t touched him since their wedding night, and even then, he just got a limp-wristed old fashioned,” said Lambert. “Apparently, Rebecca knew exactly what to say and do to get Mark married, and after they were, she really laid into him.”

Mark Jones owned one of the biggest construction companies in the United States, and was worth an estimated $1.9 billion. His wife is set to inherit the entire estate. Police say they believe the death was accidental.

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