MILFORD, New Hampshire –
Johnathan Elm, 27, was arrested Tuesday morning after driving his car through the front window of a local donut shop. Elm was apparently upset that the store, Wicked Good Donuts, had just run out of his favorite donuts, maple glazed.
“He started yelling and screaming and cursing at us, calling us ‘Donut-Hole Whores’ and ‘Pastry Pimps,’ seriously bizarre and crazy things,” said shop owner Marlene Simmons. “It was scary. We asked him to leave and he wouldn’t, but when I went to call the police, that’s when he ran out of the store.”
Reports by people outside the shop say they heard Elm screaming, and saw him running out the door, where he bolted across the street and got into his car.
“He was parked outside, across the road,” Said Joey Goldsmith, an eyewitness. “I watched him get into his car and then immediately drive it straight at the front window of the donut store. The glass shattered and then there were donuts and crullers flying all over the place. Sugar and liquid glaze went everywhere. It was like a diabetic nightmare out here.”
Elm was knocked unconscious during the accident when his airbag failed to deploy, causing him to crash directly into a rack of freshly made muffins.
“Blueberry corn muffins, our top seller. On sale this week for 4 for $6.99. Best deal in town,” said Simmons.
Not surprisingly, there were several police cruisers in the vicinity of the donut shop at the time of the accident, and Elm was immediately arrested and taken into custody, charged with reckless endangerment, attempted assault, and rampant destruction of delicious breakfast foods. He was initially brought to Milford Memorial Hospital to treat minor injuries sustained in the crash.
Police say that Elm blames his actions on Michael Vale, the actor who played “Fred The Baker” in many early Dunkin Donuts commercials.
“Fred knew when it was time to make the donuts. He was always making the f—— donuts. He’d have never run out of maple glazed! Never!” Said Elm in a police interview.
Elm was held and released Friday on $15,000 bail, and is currently restricted from entering any establishment that sells donuts or donut paraphernalia.