Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

Facebook Plans to Impose Character Limit on Posts, Messages

 

MENLO PARK, California – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg spoke Tuesday at a press conference about the future of his brainchild social networking giant. Zuckerberg’s ideas came as a great shock to the audience of reporters, who were expecting a minimal change like switching the dull and in-need-of-replacement color scheme. Instead, it was announced that as of August 1st, 2015, all new Facebook posts will be under a restrictive 175 character limit.

The current limit is a mere 63,206 characters per post, which allows for users to write anything from a brief status to an excessively long piece of dry literature. Facebook had received many complaints recently about unnecessarily long posts that slowed down the social networking experience and annoyed multiple users.

Another reason behind the upcoming change is Zuckerberg’s concern with the welfare of many of Facebook’s teen users.

“With the new character restriction in place, we hope to preserve young lives that shouldn’t be destroyed simply because Janie said something about Sallie’s ex,” Zuckerberg remarked. “A large percentage of dangerous and life-threatening teen drama gets started and is antagonized on Facebook. With the character restriction, hate posts and threat posts can be diminished in their size and severity. 175 characters is more than enough to get your point across, while still being better than Twitter’s 140. We always want to be better than Twitter.”

As for Messenger, Zuckerberg also has a plan. “Before 2016, I plan on imposing a similar or equal restriction for Messenger, as well as a screening of all messages sent through Messenger with hopes of preventing tragedies caused by teen drama.”

Zuckerberg plans to receive much harsh criticism around his restrictive decision, but sees that the change will be worthwhile without being much of a detriment to his finances. “I’m already the 11th richest bastard in America. Why would I even blink if I lost a billion dollars?”

Lisa Evans, a reporter at the press conference, gave her two cents about the issue in her own lengthy Facebook post. “All our freedoms are being taken away. Even Facebook is restricting our freedoms of speech and expression. Sure, it will save some lives and speed things up a bit, but Facebook’s members may not be willing to make this change,” Evans said.

Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public – The Reason Why Will Shock You!

MENLO PARK, California – Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public - The Reason Why Will Shock You!

Facebook has shocked the world today with their announcement that they will be publicizing all users’ past and current direct messages, in a move that they say will help to “promote honesty.”

Earlier today, CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, announced the policy changes in a status update via his personal, confirmed account. The status has since been deleted, however, it was shared thousands of times, and a screenshot of the original post has surfaced.

The original post read:

“I have been getting a lot of questions about our new direct message policy, which will make messages viewable by the public. It is a policy that we are going to enact over the next couple of updates. We feel it is a good policy that will promote honesty, and it will be retroactive, so old messages will be visible until a week after you deactivate your Facebook account.”

An anonymous source at Facebook was able to confirm that, despite the post being taken down, Facebook is definitely including the ‘public messages’ feature into future updates. The source was also able to confirm the feature will publicize all messages sent over the life of the Facebook account.

“Mark [Zuckerberg] has lost his head. He’s in bed with the NSA, he reads people’s personal messages for entertainment value. He views himself as some benevolent enforcer of morality. Facebook started as a way to connect with people, but now he is on another level,” said the anonymous employee. “The bad thing is, he slipped it into the terms of use years ago – anything you upload onto Facebook servers, including messages, is the property of Facebook, and can be made public. So if you’re using messenger to cheat on your spouse, or to sell or buy drugs, or anything you thought would stay private, you need to prepare yourself for everyone you know being able to read those messages, and probably sooner than you think.”

The new policy has been ill-received on social media. Screenshots of the post along, with angry comments, are spreading across the internet. Facebook users on the whole say they are not okay with the company playing with their private information.

“Facebook sucks, and it has for a while,” said user Mark Jacobs. “I guess with a change like this, it’s time we all move back to MySpace. They not only didn’t have privacy concerns, they let you order your friends into a top 8! God, remember that? Those were the days.”

screenshot
A screenshot of the original post shows over 8k shares and 78k ‘likes’

Facebook Submits Names Of Users Posing In Pictures With Guns To Homeland Security

MENLO PARK, California – facebook reporting guns to homeland security

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

 “Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

 “It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”

kendal
Texas Cheerleader and famous Big Game Hunter, Kendall Jones, 19, has already had all of her photos reported to Homeland Security

 

Facebook Announces New Design Changes, Massive Overhaul Coming In October

MENLO PARK, California – facebook announces major overhaul for release in october

Facebook users around the world have requested an updated look and more display options for quite some time. Well today, over a billion people were told the news so many have been waiting patiently for – the changes are coming this October. So get prepared to get creative and express yourself, because you will be have plenty of options to do so with the new bells and whistles awaiting  those eager fingertips worldwide.

Chairman and CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, excitedly announced earlier today that big changes are in store for Facebook, the social networking giant currently used by 1.28 billion members worldwide.

“Effective October 1, 2014, Facebook users will experience a brand new appearance along with new formats and displays which will allow users to choose by various themes, colors, layouts, and fonts,” said Zuckerberg. “These are features that are users have been requesting for years. Everyone will have the unique ability to arrange their profile pages in a custom setting, one of which is the original layout that included the “wall” concept, which many members insisted was easier to navigate and maintain. You can organize your friends and post them on your pages. You can We want you to have the unrestricted freedom to choose what works best for you and your individual electronic devices.”

Long time users of the site may remember the controversy surrounding the gradual change-over from Facebook Wall design to the current “Timeline” layout. Thousands of complaints flooded Facebook headquarters surrounding the change-up, some account users insisted they simply liked the old way better.

“Music and photography lovers will have the ability to embed photos or their favorite music videos freely upon their profile page,” said Rob Landry, head of design for Facebook. “For the creative, artistic, and photogenic users, in-screen photo editing will be readily available with a vast-array of eccentric and classic special effects, frames, filters, and the essential tools for adjusting and modifying photographs in a timely and efficient, fool-proof manner.”

“We are very excited to offer these options, these changes have been a long time coming and we just wanted to get it right so that the network performs just as smoothly and efficiently as always,” said an upbeat Zuckerberg. “We will be finalizing the new logo as the final step of this incredible and extreme makeover, which will be done in about two weeks.  At Facebook we believe in innovation, the freedom of expression, and the most certain individuality of each of our unique  Facebook friends, so it only makes sense for us to change things and allow the options to best fit individual needs. With that being said, we can assure, without a doubt  that change is good and we believe 1.28 billion users will ultimately, enthusiastically agree on the first day of October. ”

 

 

 

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