Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Shocking Revelation; Barack Obama Admits: ‘I’m Gay!’

Posted on January 18, 2020 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual.

“It is with a bit of sadness and a whole lot of relief that I announce that Michelle and I have decided to separate, as I have admitted to her, as I’m doing now to the rest of the world, that I am a homosexual,” said Barack Obama. “This may come as a shock to many, and anger others, but this is my personal business, and I would hope that everyone could respect my privacy at this time”

Representatives for Michelle Obama said that she and the former president would split amicably, and that Michelle herself was “not particularly shocked” by the revelation.

“We are very close, as close as two people could ever be, really,” said Michelle in a prepared statement. “I’ve known for many years about Barack’s secret life, and I fully support him in the direction that his life takes him. He was and is an incredible leader, a loving father and family man, and now he can go on to make some other guy, or multiple guys, very happy.”

“Honestly, I was prepared to just stay with her,” said Barack. “I think she’s secretly know for years that I was gay, and since it already came out in every conservative news site years ago that Michelle was actually born a man, I figured that was close enough. I was prepared to stick it out and keep having young guys on the side. Michelle nixed it, though. She said if this was going to become public news, then there’s no reason we shouldn’t just split up and reveal our true selves. Whoops, I guess I just proved those rumors about her secret to be true, too. Damn, sorry Michelle!”

Representatives for the Obama children, Malia and Sasha, could not be reached for comment, but their Facebook pages both were vacant of any comments on the split.

Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

Posted on March 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN CITY –

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

Man Dies At Bachelor Party After Stripper’s Large Breasts Suffocate Him

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Greg Miller, 24, died on Saturday evening at his bachelor party, after a stripper accidentally suffocated him with her breasts. The dancer, whose stage name is Jiggles, reportedly has size 39-Triple-E breasts, and often uses them by shoving them in the faces of her customers.

“I’ve put my ta-tas in the faces of hundreds of men, and they all really liked it,” said Jiggles, whose real name is Jessica Girth. “This guy, though, he friggin’ loved my tits, and he couldn’t get enough. He was stone cold sober, and was still talking about calling off the wedding because he loved shovin’ his face between em. It was intense.”

Jiggles says that during the part, Miller shoved his face between her breasts, and about 5-minutes later, she realized that he was no longer moving.

“I pulled his face out, and one of his buddies gave him CPR,” said Jiggles. “It was too late though. I guess he suffocated in there.”

“Man, what a fucking awesome way to go, though, right?!” said Miller’s best man, Mike Carlson. “That girl had some of the best tits I’ve ever seen, and they were so good he died over them. Well, in them. It’s crazy. I mean, I kind of feel bad for Brenda, his fiance, but she is sorta a bitch anyway, so no harm, no foul. I know that Mills is looking down at us right now, rubbing one out over his own death. Classic Miller, dude.”

Kanye Reportedly Leaves Kim Kardashian For Caitlyn Jenner

Posted on March 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an extremely bizarre turn of events, hip hop mogul and the internet’s favorite punching bag Kanye West has reportedly left his wife, Kim Kardashian, for her former step-father Caitlyn Jenner. According to reports, West and Jenner met during the filming of Jenner’s reality show, I Am Caitlyn, last year, and have been secretly meeting ever since.

Insiders report that Jenner and West have been secretly meeting in between her tapings of the latest episodes of her series, and that over time they have “fallen in love.”

“I am absolutely obsessed with Kanye, and with good reason. He’s gorgeous, talented, and he’s the only person in the world who I could honestly say is more self-absorbed than I am,” said Caitlyn Jenner. “It’s a shame; I never meant to wreck Kim’s marriage, but sometimes, love just blossoms.”

The usually mouthy West has remained mum on the subject of his new relationship, but his wife, Kim Kardashian, has reportedly been extremely vocal of her husband’s “misguided feelings.”

“Clearly it’s been awhile since he’s seen me naked, or else this wouldn’t be happening,” said Kardashian. “I don’t know how that is, since I literally just tweeted a nudie the other day. Hell, it was Facebook trending. How could he have missed it? I don’t understand. What does Caitlyn have that I don’t ha–…Oh, never mind.”

Father Marries His Twin Daughters In First Incestuous Polygamous Relationship

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVO, Utah –

John Jacob Schmidt, 50, was recently wed to his two twin daughters, Marna and Mary, 22, in what has become the nation’s first incestuous polygamous marriage, say Utah state officials.

Utah is known for its heavy population of Mormons, who believe and practice in polygamy, which is taking multiple wives. Although not legal, many small towns in Utah allow for the practice, although in the case of Schmidt, he was taking his relationships to the next level.

“I have never in my life loved anyone more than I love my daughters,” said Schmidt, beaming proudly in his finest overalls and tie. “Even my first 8 wives were not as important to me as my daughters. After all of my wives died, the only family I have left are Marna and Mary, and they want this just as much as I do.”

“I love my daddy, and I would do anything to make him happy,” said Mary. “Marna and I, we have been sharing our daddy’s bed since as far back as we can remember, and we’ve always felt nothing but the deepest, hardest love from our father. This is a dream come true.”

“I think that every girl dreams of marrying a man just like their daddy, and this is just taking that to the next logical step, and doing just that,” said Marna. “Mary and I want this. Our Daddy wants this. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.”

Federal Government To Impose 3 Marriage Limit

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark decision, congress has ruled that citizens of the United States would be entitled to a maximum of 3 marriages, citing the excessive divorce rate that has burdened the nation.

“Plenty of people have gotten married multiple times, and it’s silly and absurd,” said congressman Joel Mitchell (R – Georgia). “Marriage should be a one-time-only event. You get married, and you stay with that person forever. I will admit that sometimes, marriages don’t work. I’ll even let someone get in a second marriage. It was the members of congress that voted, and set the limit at 3.”

According to Mitchell, the new law would not in anyway affect those that have had more than 3 marriages and are currently single, they just would no longer be able to get married again. For those people who are in the 4th or higher marriage, the union would become automatically annulled.

“We want people who are in marriages that are rocky to work things out, not just call it quits,” said Mitchell. “We hope that, in time, people understand that marriage isn’t a game, and that you can’t just walk out when the game gets tough.”

Ellen DeGeneres Reportedly Leaves Wife Portia de Rossi For A Man

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In an extremely shocking move, daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, one of the most ‘celebrated’ members of the LGBQT community in Hollywood, has announced publicly that she is leaving wife of 8 years Portia de Rossi. The shocking information comes hot on the heels of leaked photos of the public figure out and about in Hollywood with a new beau who, curiously, is a man.

“It is true that Portia and I are parting ways, although we remain extremely close friends,” said Ellen on her talk show last week. “I would love to keep my private life, well, private, as I did for many years, but I know that will not happen, because people are obsessed with the love lives of people they don’t know. Especially if that love life involves hot lesbian action.”

As for the man who paparazzi have photographed on multiple situations with DeGeneres, so far the star has remained mum on who it is.

“He is not a celebrity or anyone of note, and he is someone with whom I have been friends with for a long time,” said DeGeneres. “While this is all very new as far as a relationship is concerned, our love is definitely not new. He’s always been there for me, and I for him, even while I was with Portia. Now we are just taking that friendship to a new level. I mean, I have to see what all this penis fuss is all about, don’t I?”

Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Kim Davis Accidentally Issues Marriage License To Transgender Couple

Posted on September 5, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ROWAN COUNTY, Kentucky –

Kim Davis, the woman who repeatedly refused to issue a marriage license to a gay couple and has since received national media attention, reportedly didn’t have a problem issuing other marriage licenses during the same time period, as it was recently discovered that she signed her name on the license of a transgender couple.

“She didn’t bat an eye when we walked in, and asked for a marriage license,” said Jennifer Jones, formerly Joseph Jones. “We had all of our paperwork in order, we asked, she smiled, signed it, and handed it over. It was that easy.”

“I was surprised, to be honest, that it went so smoothly,” said Jones’ husband, Marshall Rogers, formerly Michelle Rogers. “I mean, we’ve both completely transitioned from one sex to the other, and as far as anyone is concerned, I am a male, and Jennifer is female. But to be truthful, we both look like we are a bit…off. She still has a 5 o’clock shadow. I’ve still got little buds of boobs. At any rate, Ms. Davis didn’t seem to question it, and we received our marriage license with no issue. Sad, really. We kind of only did it to get in on the attention, too, and we had no problems.”

Davis, who despite being married and divorced several times, as well as having children out of wedlock, is apparently devoutly religious, to the point that she would not “sign her own name” to a marriage license of a homosexual couple. Since the massive media attention brought to her, she has been arrested and reportedly removed from her position as county clerk for violating federal laws.

“It’s a sad day, really, when a couple like us can get married and a bigot has no problems signing her name to it, but yet that nice gay couple had to go through everything they did just to have the option to get married,” said Jones. “Apparently, it’s okay to deny some gay men a marriage license, but not some trans folk like us. I guess one of those guys should have just put on a wig, and it all might have been okay.”

Alabama Judge Looks to Reverse Gay Marriage Decision: ‘Alabama Must Keep Identity’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by ZGHarris

MONTGOMERY, Alabama –

After Alabama is successfully allowed the legalization of gay marriage within its borders, the debate from both sides about whether or not it was the right decision for the state has reached a boiling point, and one judge has made it clear he cannot allow gay marriage to exist in this state during his tenure.

“It is not in keeping with the spirit and history of Alabama,” said Honorable Judge Oscar Wellington. “Our state has kept a long and proud history of being far behind the times as compared to other states. We cannot suddenly allow ourselves to be within the first half of states to legalize gay marriage.”

Judge Wellington is not interested in stopping gay marriage for the usual moral reasons, fully admitting there is no actual threat or danger to allowing gays to marry. He states quite bluntly, “This is not about morality or legality. This is about our heritage as the citizens of Alabama.”

“What would we be saying to our children if we did not hold out until the bitter end? Blind racism is still strong in our state. Hell, we only recently technically allowed interracial marriage. Incestuous marriage is still plenty legal within our borders. We have a clear line of reasoning, or lack thereof, and we need to stay true to it.”

Judge Wellington is indeed correct, as Alabama does hold some of the most ridiculous laws still on the books. Dominoes cannot be played on Sundays. It is illegal to wear a false mustache – with intent to cause laughter – in a church. It is still an offense to open an umbrella on a street or sidewalk. These and other laws set a precedent that reasonable action in law has no place in the state.

“Approximately one in every seven individuals cannot read in the state of Alabama. Nearly one out of every four students do not graduate high school. One out of every ten teenagers between ages 10-19 become pregnant. Hell, we consider a fetus a person with full rights here! It’s absurd, and that’s the way we love it here in this great state,” said Wellington. “Alabama must retain this history and its heritage of poor reasonability, else, we lose our identity. That is why gays like myself cannot, and will not, be allowed to marry here!”