Woman Violently Murders Husband After Finding Toilet Seat Left Up

Posted on December 15, 2014 by JP

WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania –

A woman has been arrested today after police say she brutally murdered her husband in their Wilkes-Barre home late Sunday evening. Jennifer Latorre, age 36, claims that she feels no remorse, and says that her husband “deserved to die” for his mistakes.

According to police reports, Jennifer’s husband, John Latorre, 39, had apparently forgotten to put the toilet seat back down after using the bathroom, even though he was requested to several times by his wife. Jennifer Latorre claims she warned her husband every day for weeks that if he didn’t put the seat down that she would stab him in his “balls, ass, and face.”

The state coroner’s report showed that John Latorre was stabbed over 47 times with a long, sharp object, with several wounds to the face being the ones that killed him. Police believe that he was stabbed with a kitchen knife.

Neighbors reportedly overheard an argument in the Latorre home, which led to what sounded like a violent altercation, and they immediately called police.

“When we arrived on the scene, there was blood all over the kitchen, living room, and bathroom,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Wilkes-Barre Police Department. “It’s almost as if she dragged him from the kitchen into the bathroom to show him his mistake, because when we arrived, the toilet seat had been put down.”

“I stabbed him once for every time he left the seat up,” said Jennifer Latorre. “I see no reason that a man should not be killed if you ask him to do one simple thing after another simple, goddamn thing, and he just can’t be bothered. A man like that is useless.”

Several women’s groups throughout the country have begun showing their support for Jennifer, saying that they will pool their resources to make sure she gets “the best lawyer money can buy.”

“Jennifer Latorre is an inspiration to all married women who deal with cheating husbands, stupid husbands, or just plain assholes,” said Melissa Jean, founder of the Women Come First movement. “Every woman who has to deal with a husband who can’t be bothered to listen to his wife should take note of Jennifer’s action. Your time will come, sisters! Your time will come!”

“She is the most sociopathic person I’ve ever encountered,” said Officer Goldsmith. “She went over the murder and ensuing events with us like we were old friends and she was telling us a boring story. It was the most graphic thing I have heard about or seen since joining the force, and it still chills me to my core. The fact that this happened over a toilet seat, and literally nothing else, is profoundly disturbing. I can tell you what, though – I’ll never leave the seat up in my house again.”

Kindergarten Teacher Arrested For Having Sex With Student, Says ‘I Want To Marry Him’

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma –

A 27-yr-old kindergarten school teacher was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a student. The teacher, Sara Styles, was released on bail and was quoted as she left the courthouse saying, “I love him, and I want to marry him.” The student’s name was not immediately released due to the circumstances of the incident.

“I love him, and he loves me,” said Styles in an interview with a local Oklahoma newspaper. “He makes me so happy, I want to marry him. I don’t care about the age difference, 20 years from now what will it matter? He has already said he will wait for me if I have to go to jail. We met on the playground after school about two months ago, and it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. We never had sex on school grounds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I don’t see this case going anywhere, personally. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid knew what he was doing. Plus, Miss Styles is reportedly a very good teacher, I’m sure she showed him some good tricks,” said Police Chief Charles Gordon. “If anything, the kid should get a medal. All the officers were giving him high fives when he came by the police station. I mean shit, did you see Miss Styles? She’s smokin’ hot. I wish I was so lucky when I was a kid. All my teachers were old nuns.”

Superintendent Joel Olsen of the Broken Arrow School District said that Miss Styles met the student in question during an after school field day sponsored by the high school.

“The student Miss Styles is involved with is a 18-year-old senior, who was volunteering during the field day activities. While it’s certainly not illegal for a 25-year-old woman to have sex with a 18-year-old, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, whether that student is one of her own or not,” said Olsen. “We’re taking the matter very seriously, and Miss Styles has been put on leave with pay, per her union contract.”

Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

FRESNO, California –

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.

Tony Bennett, Lady Gaga Announce Music Collaboration, Wedding Plans

Posted on August 25, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK, New York –

Legendary crooner Tony Bennett and pop sensation Lady Gaga shocked fans and industry types alike when they announced their engagement during a press conference promoting their upcoming album of jazz duets.

“She makes me feel so young!” gushed Bennett, 87. Gaga, 28, appeared smitten during the press conference and said “Tony has been the biggest surprise in my life so far. And by biggest – well, I think you know what I mean.”

Both artists expressed genuine surprise that their mutual admiration grew into something more profound. The two began collaborating on the new project earlier this year, and are currently taping an upcoming television concert special which will coincide with a fall wedding.

“One afternoon we were sitting in the studio listening to a playback,” remarked Gaga, “and out of the blue, Tony turned to me and asked if I’d like to go for an early bird special at one of his favorite restaurants, or “joints,” as he put it. From then on, things just blossomed.”

“That’s how it was, yes siree, that’s just how it was,” remarked Bennett, smiling and tapping his foot for emphasis. “She’s quite a gal, yes siree, that’s what she is all right, quite a gal. It’s like Bogie and Bacall all over again, and I was friends with both of those two. Yes siree, that’s how it was.”

“That’s what it’s really all about, I mean the things we have in common. I love Bogart and Bacall movies, too,” said Gaga. “That’s just one example of things we share together. There are so many other things too, and it just seems like this amazing thing was written in the stars for both of us.”

“Hey!” interjected Bennett, “We should sing that song on our new album, due out in the fall – Written In The Stars, an old Harold Arlen tune that I enjoy and I hope you’ll enjoy too!” Bennett tapped his foot for emphasis.

I think the old standards are the best,” added Gaga, “but don’t worry — I’m not getting too far away from my current roots that my Little Monsters have come to know me for!”

“I thought you told me you didn’t have any kids!” joked Bennett, sending the room of assembled journalists into hearty laughter.

“That’s another thing,” said Gaga. “His sense of humor is so, so unpredictable!”

When pressed for details about dates and details for the upcoming wedding, Bennett remarked “Hold your horses, kids, this crazy scene is all new to us. Yes siree, that’s what it is all right, crazy scene. All new.”

The couple waved good-bye and walked hand-in-hand to attend an awaiting reception in their honor, hosted by television and recording executives.