Man Fakes Heart Attack To Get Out Of Wife’s Dinner Party

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heartattack

KALAMAZOO, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to the emergency room after his wife called 911, saying that her husband was having a heart attack.

John Williams, 43, was taken to a local hospital via ambulance, but on the drive, said that he was never having any sort of heart attack or any other medical issue – he just didn’t want to be around his wife’s “super boring friends” any longer.

“I pretended to have a heart attack, because it was the only way that I could think of getting out of there without being on the hook for it later,” said Williams. “We have this stupid dinner parties at least once a month, and all of my wife’s friends are snooty, pretentious, miserable people. They just come over for the free drinks and the free food, and then leave. We’ve never once been to a dinner part at one of their houses. At least I livened up the evening.”

Williams says he has no problem paying the bill for the ambulance, and the hospital visit.

“They had to check me out anyway, because it’s protocol, and apparently sometimes people have heart attacks for real and think they’re okay,” said Williams. “The doctor said my ticker is as good as it can be for my age. I have the heart of a 38-year-old.”

Couple Admits That Living In ‘Tiny House’ Sucks Huge, Huge Balls

tinyhouse

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

The ‘Tiny House’ craze has been sweeping the country for the last few years, with many people eschewing their former lives as “regular house” renters and owners in favor of moving in extremely tiny, “microhouses.” The craze is so popular that there are even several TV shows dedicated to seeking out and buying tiny houses.

Almost everyone who has ever lived in or stayed in a “tiny house” says that it is amazing, but one couple who gave up their former life as teachers in New York to move to a tiny house in Phoenix say that it’s anything but.

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“Living in a tiny house sucks major, unbelievable, massive elephant balls,” said Mark Lawson, 30. “My wife Joanne and I watched all the shows about tiny houses, all the people buying and loving them. Yeah, well, what they don’t show is the shit those people have to deal with day in and day out. They should go back into those homes and visit 6 months later. I bet many divorces have been caused by tiny homes.”

“I can’t even get up from the bed without smacking my face on the walls or the ceiling,” said Joanne Lawson, 31. “Then I go into the shower, which is also the toilet, and you have to do your business at the same time as you’re cleaning yourself. Then the kitchen – oh my God. It’s a nightmare. It’s either microwaving or dining out for us. That’s all we can handle.”

The Lawsons say that they paid almost $300,000 for their tiny home in the Phoenix desert, and they’re doing everything they can to sell it.

“This was the stupidest idea we ever had,” said Mark. “For the money we paid for this, we could have bought a 30,000 square foot home in Detroit. Lived like kings. Instead, we’re sleeping on bunkbeds inside of a shipping container. This sucks so much, so big, so hairy, all the balls.”

“The dick, too, really,” added Joanne.

Anonymous Florida Woman Weds Giant Black Dildo

bride

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Miami woman is happily married to her fiancee of over 2 years, a giant black dildo that she calls “Ted.”

“Ted and I met after I bought him at a discount sex shop right off the beach a couple years ago,” said the woman, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It was love at first sight. Normally, I’m not attracted to black guys, but with Ted, it was different, and we hit it off immediately.”

The woman says that she and Ted would often go on dates, but mostly spent time alone at home.

“We liked alone time the best,” said the woman. “It’s when Ted and I really got to know each other. He proposed after only about 8 months of dating.”

Florida laws are naturally very lax when it comes to who or what people can marry, because Florida is an extremely odd location filled with extremely odd people.

“I’m just so glad I stopped into the shop that day,” said the woman in an interview with a local Miami newspaper. “I don’t know where’d I’d be today if I hadn’t. Ted fills me up like no man has ever done before; it really and truly is love.”

Couple Get Stuck In Washing Machine During Kinky Sex Game

washer

BRIARVILLE, Texas – 

A married couple – Jim 54, and Carol, 50, had to be rescued in their home after getting stuck inside the washer in their laundry room.

“It was sex night, and we wanted to spice things up,” said Jim. “Once a week, we still like to get down and get a little frisky. We’re old, but we’re not dead.”

Jim says he and Carol had, over the years, had sex ‘literally everywhere’ inside the house, and had, over the last few years, started having sex inside their appliances.

“Oh, it’s marvelous,” said Carol. “We’ve done it in the oven once. Inside the refrigerator. That was cold, but Jim also made it hot, if you know what I mean. This week we thought we’d try the washing machine. I wasn’t 100 percent sure we’d fit, but once Jim got in, there was enough room for me to squeeze down next to him.”

“Unfortunately, there was not enough room to fully maneuver in there, so it wasn’t really suited to having great sex,” said Jim. “When we tried to get out, though, we found we were stuck.”

The couple have nothing but laughs about their ordeal now, but say it was “really depressing” having to scream for help for over a day and a half before a neighbor heard them and called fire and rescue.

“Oh man, we definitely will not try doing that ever again,” said Jim. “But we’re still gonna keep having sex inside our appliances. Next week, we go dryer!”

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It’s To A Human

Lady Gaga Gets Engaged; World Shocked It's To A Human

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Following the very public drama of Lady Gaga’s divorce from Xxzorzg, the fading star has done something that some are questioning to be a publicity stunt. She is engaged to marry a human, with a date set for next spring.

“This is clearly just a cry for attention,” analyst L. N. Ripley told Empire News. “I’m not even sure if she’s actually a human herself. It’s just another crazy stunt – and considering the fact that you’re interviewing me about it, I’d say it worked.”

Gaga’s previous partner expressed how her actions are taking a toll on him.

“It would be one thing if she was probing my buddy or something, but a human? It really does a number on your self esteem. And it just hurts to see her putting on this charade. At least she willingly talked to Taylor Swift – that was pretty weird.”

Since the engagement, Gaga has been spotted out in public doing “normal human things” like jumping into icy lakes and wearing outfits that aren’t comprised of seemingly completely random objects. Fiancé Taylor Kinney seems to have no qualms with her past love life.

Lady Gaga has only made one comment on the matter, choosing to dismiss and avoid the situation rather than fan the flames.

“My fans used to love me when I acted crazy. That’s just not me anymore. I’m not an alien – I’m just a normal chick making normal music and living a normal life,” she said as she finished zipping up her human disguise bodysuit.

Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

FRESNO, California – Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.

 

 

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