Maine To Become First State To Legalize Heroin

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AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been at the forefront of a widespread battle against heroin addiction, with much of New England having some of the highest numbers of users in the country. Where doctors have failed, heroin has flourished, giving many people suffering from severe pain a way to reduce their issues at a fraction of the cost.

“The state of Maine is extremely happy to announce that we are the first to allow our citizens to freely use heroin,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “We have tried battling the addiction. We have tried regulating doctors to only allow certain medicines to be prescribed, so as not to cause more people to become addicted to painkillers. Alas, we’ve failed. Instead, we’re taking a different route.”

LePage says that he hopes that legalization of heroin will help to allow more people to get their pain and issues under control.

“If you can’t beat them, then it’s time to join them. Or in this case, it’s time to let them be free to make those choices,” said LePage. “Doctors are the number one reason that people get hooked on heroin. They prescribe heavy opiate painkillers to people, and when those prescriptions run out, those patients look to the streets. You can get some heroin for $10 on the streets, and your backache will be gone. Why not try it, right?”

LePage says that further regulating the drug would be a “horrible idea,” and that legalization will be pushed through as soon as possible.

New Study Finds That Most Probiotics Don’t Do Anything To Aid Health, Digestion

probiotics

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Most of the strains of probiotics out there do nothing to improve digestive health according to a recent product study, but the claim of digestive health is so common thanks to lax FDA rules on medical claims; Most strains on the market are completely ineffective or at least not proven effective.

UCLA researcher Adrienne Labrosse says they have found most probiotics tested have little to no effect. They may not even have live bacteria by the time the consumer uses the product.

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“Unless you have your own petri dish and microscope at home, there’s no way to tell what you’re ingesting even has live cultures. The FDA does not require the strains to be listed, so it is difficult for the consumer to tell the difference between one probiotic and the next, and there are hundreds of different species,” said Labrosse. “Even researchers are unsure what strain does what in the digestive process. They know there is naturally occurring bacteria in the gut, and assume it helps digestion, but at this point it’s mostly a bunch of speculation.”

Probiotic user Deborah Nutter insists she has seen improvements in her health and will continue using these products. “I love my microscopic little friends. I like to thank them by name as I eat them. Thank you, Mr. Lactobacilli. I love you, little L Plantarum. I love those guys. They make my tummy so happy, and my shits are as regular as a baby’s.”

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

carson

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

Gluten-Free Diets Causes ‘Bitchiness’ In People Who Don’t Need To Go Gluten Free

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

According to researchers at Cambridge Medial School, people who go “gluten-free” because they think it has added health benefits are far more prone to become bitchy and pretentious.

“Gluten-free diets are necessary for people with Celiac disease, or who have a gluten allergy,” said Dr. Richard Kimball of Cambridge. “For everyone else, it is a stupid, ego-centric fad, and it has no bearing on your health, except to say that it’s actually bad for you. Gluten is an essential part of everyone’s diet, and you should be eating it regularly.”

Kimball says that studies they have performed indicate that people who go gluten-free merely to be “in” or “hip” in the diet fads are more likely to become bitchy, or come across as pretentious to their friends and peers.

“Many people go gluten free, and think it’s cool, and they love to shove it in your face,” said Kimball. “They’ll tell you about their spin class, talk about yoga, and then casually mention how they’re gluten free and ‘feel great,’ when really going gluten free has nothing to do with that. You’ll no doubt want to punch them in their pretentious, bitchy face. I recommend that you do just that. Stop the cycle when you can.”

Gluten is so misunderstood, that a simple walk through the grocery store can prove exactly how stupid most consumers are about their food.

“Why am I seeing signs next to the chicken and pork in the meat department that says ‘gluten free’ on it?,” questioned Dr. Kimball. “Of course raw pork is gluten free. Do you people even know what gluten is? Read a damn book for crying out loud. And then stop being a pretentious bitch and just eat gluten. It’s fine, and it’s necessary for health.”

Johnson & Johnson Plans To Raise Price of Tylenol To $500 Per Pill

tylenol

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

After hedge-fund magnate Martin Shkreli announced that he would be raising the prices of Daraprim, a drug used to fight AIDS, from $13.50 to $750 per pill, several other companies decided to follow suit by drastically raising prices, including Johnson & Johnson, the trademark owners for the drug Tylenol.

“Frankly, a lot more people get headaches than have AIDS in this country,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Larry Myers. “If [Shkreli] is going to raise his prices on such a niche drug, and people will still have to buy it, then Tylenol is in an even better position to raise prices, as many, many more people use Tylenol on a regular basis than would ever use Daraprim.”

Myers says that the average cost of an individual Tylenol pill previously was about 17 cents, or about $8.99 for a bottle of 50 Tylenol pills. Tylenol PM, which is their number-one selling version of Tylenol, sold for about 27 cents previously, or about $13.99 for a bottle of 50.

“Tylenol PM, which many people in North America rely on to sleep easily at night, and wake up pain-free, will also be dramatically increased as well,” said Myers. “We expect to fetch around $800 per pill for the PM version of our flagship drug.”

Myers says that the price increase will not happen overnight, but that consumers should expect to see prices rising slowly over the next several months.

“If Shkreli can do it with Daraprim, then we can do it, too,” said Myers. “I sincerely hope that other drug companies realize that they should not be giving away their product so cheaply, and follow suit by bending customers over, and painfully raping them hard, right in their wallets. If only that monetary rape was a pain they needed Tylenol to get rid of, too.”

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

CONCORD, Massachusetts – 

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

New Diet Trend Has People Swallowing Maggots To Lose Weight Quickly

New Diet Trend Has People Eating Maggots To Lose Weight Fast

 

LOS ANGELES, California – 

There’s some big news in the world of trend diets that you’re bound to see on The Dr. Oz Show anytime now. Health nuts say that if you’re serious about losing weight, you have to try swallowing live maggots!

Housewife Jenny Smith says, “No diet ever worked for me. I just couldn’t seem to stick with them. When my best friend told me her secret, I couldn’t believe it. I’m glad I listened to her. I’ve lost two dress sizes in a week!”

Not only are fly larvae inexpensive, they’re chock full of protein and other nutrients. The real benefit is in the effect it has on the stomach. Preliminary studies show that eating a half cup of maggots in the morning can cut a person’s calorie intake in half.

Health guru Natasha Sanipas explains, “The secret to losing weight is eating less. This is the best appetite suppressant money can buy. I recommend mealworms, personally. They sort of taste like bread, so they satisfy my craving, but are gluten and carb free! Basically, whatever I eat after swallowing them, the mealworms eat half of. It’s way more safe than the old tapeworm diet, too, because those things were super deadly. These mealworms, I usually just pass them through in a day or two!”

Advocates advise to always consult a physician before beginning a new diet, and to never pick maggots directly out of the trash. Sanipas advises to only order insect larvae from certified dealers. “If you do want to raise your own maggots, I recommend putting some rank meat in a Mason jar and covering the top with cheese cloth. Then let nature work its magic. Tempted to raid the fridge? Swallow a few of those little squirmers, and I guarantee your craving will be gone. Just remember – swallow, don’t chew! They can’t help you out if you’ve chomped them all to death!”

Dozens Of People Hospitalized With ‘Brain Worms’ After Eating Common Food Item

Dozens Of People Hospitalized With 'Brain Worms' After Eating Common Food Item

 

MIAMI, Florida – 

Three days ago the University of Miami Hospital received a patient with unusual symptoms. After conducting a series of medical examinations, doctors diagnosed the man with a unique form of ‘brain worms,’ similar in nature to that of a tapeworm that can be contracted from certain foods. Since that diagnosis, over one hundred more people have been  hospitalized.

Peter Forney, a 44-year-old resident of Miami, began experiencing strong headaches last Wednesday. Both he and his family first suspected it was just a migraine, but within a few days, Peter’s behavior drastically changed.

“He started acting like an idiot. Peter is a clever man, but all his intelligence was gone. He was speaking with no sense, making bad jokes all the time. I thought he was taking drugs or something, but this constant headache was strange,” says Laura Forney, Peter’s wife. She called an ambulance after her husband peed on the carpet in their living room while laughing maniacally.

“A few hours after Mr Forney arrived to the hospital, we received many more patients with similar symptoms. All of them became more and more stupid as time went on, as if their brains were being eaten away,” said Dr. Robert Gacy of the Miami General Teaching Hospital. “After running a battery of tests we managed to make a diagnosis – the patients have live, tissue-eating worms inside of their brains. It seems the worms feed themselves with gray matter and damage the nervous system, causing violent outbursts, unstable behavior, and decreased intelligence.”

“The biggest problem right now is the risk of epidemic. More and more people are getting sick,” said CDC spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We believe the worms are come from common food. Our patients live in different towns all around Florida. They didn’t dine in the same places, but clearly there is a link to their lifestyle. It has to be something popular and commonly available. We will find out. We can’t let our society get even dumber than it already is.”

Panic is spreading among residents of Florida and neighboring states, so much so that they are afraid to eat. Doctors say that they are able to remove and kill the worms if they are caught early on, but brain damage is not reversible. They warn people to not starve themselves totally, and that it would not be possible for the worms to come from things like candy or soda.

“If you’re going to eat, just eat a lot of unhealthy foods. These types of worms, they couldn’t come from jelly beans or Coca-Cola or potato chips or anything, so just enjoy those things until we find out what could be causing this,” said Goldsmith.

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby’s Hair Growth

Study Shows That Listening To Heavy Metal While Pregnant Increases Baby's Hair Growth

 

STANFORD, California –

A group of prominent geneticists and musicologists from Stanford University recently released the results of a research project entitiled Prenatal Music Exposure. Scientists checked how different music genres affect the pregnancy, and what is their influence on baby’s growth after birth. Some of the results were shocking.

A small group of the researchers focused specifically on rock and metal music, wherein they asked 100 women to exclusively listen to nothing but Pantera, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest and Black Sabbath for the entire 9 months of pregnancy. Each day they were required to spend at least 2 hours exposed to the music. Scientists monitored the babies from their time in utero until the time they were 5-years-old, in order to see how the children would grow based on music.

“There were some experiments done in the past that proved music affects brain’s development, but nobody ever noticed such an obvious, physical evidence,” says Dr. Karen Ash from Stanford University. “We noted increased hair growth among children whose mothers listened to heavy metal during pregnancy. Compering to children who were exposed to other genres, the Metal Kids, as we called them, grew their head hair twice as fast. While an average hair of a non-metal child grew approximately one quarter inch monthly, a metal kid’s hair became up to half an inch longer. Several of the children, who are now 5, have hair past their knees.”

Scientists assume it is an example of genetic adaptation. The children grew long hair so they could effectively headbang to the rhythm of heavy metal.

“My daughter has long, black hair and she constantly refuses to have it tied. When she hears metal, she immediately starts moving her head rhythmically, back and forward, just like those guys during concerts,” says Mary Curtis, one of the mothers who participated in the experiment. “It’s kind of cute, but to be honest, I’ve been listening to nothing but heavy metal for almost 6 years now. She won’t let me listen to anything else. It’s really getting to be tiring.”

Scientists are not sure whether all genres can influence the human body in such apparent ways, or if it is restricted to just metal. They are also checking punk music, classical, rap, and opera. The rap babies are the only ones showing any signs of real change in any sort of physical behavior, as they all constantly pull their diaper down below their waste, letting the diaper hang low. Researchers are not sure if this was caused by the music, or just happenstance.

 

Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills; Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

PHOENIX, Arizona – Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

If you used Estroblokitol birth control pills or reached for a bottle of generic brand aspirin during the months of October, November, or December 2014, doctors and pharmacists urge you to contact Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals immediately.

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals admitted today that a labeling error at their Mexico packaging facility caused as many as 6,000 bottles of aspirin, and 3,000 dispensers of birth control pills to be mislabeled – some aspirin were in fact birth control pills, and vice-versa.

Several thousand bottles of generic pain reliever were shipped from the Tijuana, Mexico packaging facility to regional centers across the United States, but authorities are about “83% confident” that the affected products were confined to the greater Phoenix area.

Dr. Lita Hürstvatter, of Phoenix’s St. Joseph’s Hospital, issued an urgent appeal to women across the country – not just from the greater Phoenix area – to immediately bring unused Estroblokitol pills to their health care provider or clinic for examination.

“It is important that we find any women who were mistakenly given aspirin in place of an oral contraceptive, as well as men or women who thought they were taking a pain reliever, when in fact the were issued a birth control hormone. Estroblokitol is a federally controlled substance, and contains potentially dangerous substances, available only with a doctor’s prescription.”

The seriousness of the situation has not escaped the attention of lawyers eager to make their mark on what could prove to be the largest class action suit in history. “Unplanned pregnancies that may result as a consequence of this mistake are just the tip of the iceberg,” said legal consultant Maxine Bleedom, former partner in nationally known personal injury law firm Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn. “This is huge, and I want in on it.”

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals is taking necessary steps to address all potential cases individually. Anyone who has a prescription for Estroblokitol, as well as anyone who has taken any generic or dollar-store brand of aspirin, are urged to direct questions and concerns to the company’s nationwide toll-free hotline, at 888-276-6760 to obtain a case number and entry into a confidential nationwide database.

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