WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Melania Trump has been in the public eye for years – before she was the First Lady, she was a fashion model, and for that, it means always keeping her figure perfect. To this day, she still has modeling and clothing line deals that require her to be in top form.
Now, for the first time ever, Melania has revealed her secrets to staying in shape at all times.
“It’s actually really simple,” said the Slovenian-born Mrs. Trump. “I get my stomach pumped two or three times a day, depending on how often I eat. Instead of absorbing all the fat and nutrients, I have all the foods I eat pulled out before my body can use them.”
Melania says that this procedure has worked for her for “a number of years,” but now she is very happy that she is the First Lady, because it means no more trips to the doctors.
“We have a top-notch medical staff in the White House, and our Doctor, Dr. Lemmy, pumps me every morning, afternoon, and evening,” said Melania. “Within 30 minutes of any meal, I have to be pumped. If I’m traveling to an area where I don’t have a regular doctor, I just don’t eat. It works wonders.”
Melania said that she has not defecated in “well over 5 years.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Move over Michelle Obama with your useless childhood obesity campaign – Melania Trump, future first lady, has announced her “mighty cause” that she plans to take on during Donald’s time as president.
“I know that we have plenty of fat kids in the world, and that’s pretty bad,” said Melania. “But, another problem that is faced that is also pretty bad is the homeless people. They are so sad and they are so bad to look at, and I want to help.”
Melania says that her campaign will be to give designer bags to needy homeless people throughout the country.
“It is very important that people look nice, and the best way to look nice is to start with a nice bag,” said Melania, smiling. “I have many, many friends in designer industries, and they can all make pretty bags to give to these homeless. Maybe, with a nice bag, these people will find the strength to get a home, something that I’m sure most of them would like to have.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Technology has advanced well beyond what most of us would have ever dreamed up. Between the supercomputers in our pockets to Google’s self-driving cars, we live in an age of wonder. Japan has been at the forefront of another technology for many years in the form of sex robots, or uber-realistic robots that can be used for sexual pleasure and, frankly, not much else.
It has recently been discovered that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, to whom the Donald has been married for the last 10 years, is actually a lab-created robot who was built for the Republican candidate on special order.
“She is beautiful, charming, and she’s an amazing lay,” said The Donald to a group of supporters, recently. “No woman in her right mind would be with me with those atributes. Not even with my wealth and power. I know that – I’m not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. No, instead, I had the best engineers in Japan build Melania for me in a lab. She is 100% to my specifications.”
Trump says that the best part about having a sex robot for a wife is that they “always give it up” when you want it, and it’s not even rape, because they’re not people.
“They also can’t get pregnant, which is fantastic, because no one likes pulling out, that’s for sure,” said Donald. “This model will be good on these batteries until long after I’m dead. It’s truly a marvel of modern technology.”
If Trump wins the presidency, then Melania will be the first sex robot to become the first lady, as well as the first straight sex-machine to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom since Marilyn Monroe had her affair with JFK.