FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Fox News has announced a shock merger with Comedy Central, saying that the comedy channel gets most of their laughs out of Fox anyway. For years, Jon Stewart’s Daily Show has been using gaffes from the right-wing news outlet as satire, and many of the sitcoms also get their ridiculous situations from real events which have happened on the Fox News set, leading to them being considered Comedy Central’s “feeder” channel.

“We are very pleased that this partnership will finally be made official,” Fox News CEO Roger Ailes wrote in a press release. “There’s been a lot of speculation over the years, and a lot of hurt feelings when our channels have been at odds – especially when Comedy Central has not credited our reporters for their content. Now those differences can finally be put to rest.”

Jon Stewart, who has based much of his show on blasting Fox News’s biased coverage, has responded to the news by expressing his disappointed that this is only happening now that he is leaving.

“I have had some fun times working with the clowns from Fox News,” he said soberly on his Daily Show. “Many of the best episodes involved in-house interviews with characters like Bill O’Reilly. I feel I’ve really missed out.”

Doug Herzog, the president of Viacom Media Networks who own Comedy Central, expressed his delight at the long-awaited merger.

“It’s been a dream of ours for many years,” he said. “Operations will be much smoother now that our biggest allies are openly working on our side. Both Fox News and Comedy Central will maintain a level of separateness, but now fake news such as The Daily Show will be part of the Fox News branch, and Fox and Friends, which doesn’t even pretend to be news, will be part of the Comedy Central branch.”

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

FCC Gives OK For AT&T Purchase Of Verizon Wireless

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

Verizon Wireless CEO Dan Mead announced this past Friday that their wireless company and its entire network is set to be purchased by rival AT&T.

After increased speculation of the merger, the two carriers arranged the conference to discuss the resolution of Wednesdays FCC meeting and approval. After keeping the deal quiet for the two years it’s taken for the FCC to give the go-ahead, the companies say they are glad to be able to make the information public.

“Verizon wireless has had a successful hand at the wireless industry, and we’ve exceeded all possibilities since PrimeCo. As a company, we would like to see another carrier try its hand at covering everywhere on top of their own already stellar coverage. It’s time for us to focus on other ventures, and leave cell phones to hot shots like John Leger and Randall Stephenson!”

Many customers were alarmed by the news, as no newsletter or update was sent to customers when the proposition was even approved for submission to the FCC. Outraged customers and patrons of the company alike have been bombarding VZW and AT&T offices day and night with requests for new phones and plan changes before the company merger takes effect.

“They’re going to kill all of our services,” said Verizon subscriber Joe Goldsmith. “It’s like when Verizon bought out Unicel, and I had to get a whole new phone, change plans, all that shit. It was a pain. All it did for me was give me more headaches and a higher bill. AT&T is bound to raise prices again, because that’s what these companies do. I swear to God, I’m just going to go back to writing letters and calling people from a landline.”

The total buyout is set to take place January 2016, with transition plans for all customers moving service to AT&T. With all employment and service details not yet ironed out, both carriers are under a lot of heat due to the arrangement. While both companies maintain a loyal following, its hard to say what the future entails and whether or not their loyal customers will follow to a new company or what incentives will follow.

“We’ll make sure everyone is taken care of,” said AT&T spokesman Gerald Bryant. “I mean, once we become one company, and we change our name to AT&V, who knows what could happen. With the two biggest cell phone companies combined as one, we might just give free phones to anyone who asks! Who could stop us?!”

Sprint and T-Mobile had no comment on the merger, because they were too busy fighting for last place in the cellular market.

Wendy’s Announces Merger With Burger King, Plans To Surpass McDonald’s As #1 Fast Food Joint


CHARMING, North Dakota – 

In business news, Wendy’s has announced an impending merger with Burger King, in a bid to surpass McDonald’s as the biggest fast food franchise in the world. The move could spell an end to McDonald’s global hold over the industry, finally providing equal competition to the major corporation.

“We’re very excited about the future,” said Wendy’s CEO Emil Brolick. “I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong with a conglomeration which will have the grilled, fried, toasted options all available in one quick drive-thru. Things are looking up.”

Executives at McDonald’s, however, maintain that the two rival chains are bluffing, trying to force their hands in “some perverted attempt at bringing us down. They’ve worked hard over the decades to take over, and this is just the latest attempt. I can tell you, they’ve asked us to relinquish our presence in certain states and countries in order to stop this disastrous merger. We’re gonna call their bluff.”

Industry insiders fear that open warfare may ensue.

“Unless they come to some sort of deal, who knows what could happen,” said analyst, Tracy Kaufman. “The title of King won’t scare McDonald’s, though. Ronald is a tough guy but also diplomatic. He’ll try sanctions and boycotts before things get too heated in their respective kitchens.”

Brolick hit back at what he called “the doubters,” releasing a proposed schedule for the stages of the merger, projecting finalisation already by the end of 2015. “This is really happening. It’s time for King Wendy – or Wendy’s King, we haven’t worked out all the finer points yet – to reign. His majesty’s rule will benefit not only America but the entire world. We’ll be free from the dictatorship of that insane clown for once and for all.”

NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NBA, WNBA Begin Negotiations To Combine Into One League

A huge announcement was made this morning by Adam Silver, president of the National Basketball Association, and it means things as we know it in the world of sports will definitely be changing. According to Silver, as soon as next year, the NBA and WNBA will be merged into one league, tentatively called the CENBA, or the Co-Ed National Basketball Association.

The combined league idea came about after decades of the WNBA pulling in terrible viewership numbers, and investors in the league say they thought it was time to move away from the all-female basketball teams, and see if the professional ladies could take on the professional men.

As it turns out, the ladies certainly can hold their own. In several private scrimmage matches held during off-days, a few female pros made some NBA stars look like rookies.

“My team is struggling badly, as are all WNBA teams, and this can be a huge change for teams all over the league,” said Tom O’Neil, owner of the WNBA team the Houston Hairylegs. “So many NBA teams have tons of overpaid all-stars on their team, because the NBA has all the money. I see a lot of talent in these WNBA players, and combining leagues, the women can finally make the money they deserve, which is about 60 cents on every dollar that the men make.”

“I formed a committee of owners, and told them the pros of this merger. Several months ago, we came to this decision, and have been waiting for the perfect time to announce it,” said Doug Reemer, owner of WNBA team the Pittsburgh Pussies. “And finally, after a few months, we made the deal with the NBA. With so many new players coming in, a lot of people will be cut, but I’m telling you – these ladies have a lot of balls going up against the men of the NBA. I really, really envy their balls.”

The CENBA is set to be launched by the 2015 basketball season, and insider reports already are talking numbers and money. Most sports professionals say that a merger could bring in almost double the revenue that the NBA brought in during the 2014 season. That would be equivalent to approximately 36 times the revenue brought in by the WNBA over the last 5 seasons.


Sprint Looks To Buy T-Mobile; Plans To Completely Dissolve Company

OVERLAND PARK, Kansas – empire-news-sprint-tmobile-merger-buyout-closing-dissolve-company

Negotiations have begun for Sprint, the third largest wireless company in the US, to purchase T-Mobile, the fourth largest wireless company, from their parent Deutsche Telekom. The merger is reported to be worth approximately $32 billion, with part being paid in cash and part in stock, a typical option for deals of this size.

Assuming that the FCC approves the deal, Sprint has stated that their plans for T-Mobile would be to phase it out completely, while converting their customers into the Sprint family. The T-Mobile network, which runs on the much faster GSM technology would remain intact, with Sprint converting their handsets to take advantage of the higher speeds necessary for such a large subscriber base and congested network. Combined, Sprint and T-Mobile would have nearly 100 million customers.

“We feel very strongly that there is absolutely no need for T-Mobile to continue on as a company once our purchase is cleared.” Said Dan Hesse, chairman of Sprint Corp. US. “They’ve done some great things for the wireless world in the last year or two, but it’s nothing that we can’t continue without them. If this merger happens, it will definitely be the end for T-Mobile.”

The news that T-Mobile could possibly be closing their doors hit hard for many employees in the company, especially low-ranking retail and call center workers, who just went through a similarly stressful situation a few years ago when AT&T was looking to purchase T-Mobile. That merger was denied by FCC regulators, citing laws against creating a monopoly within the industry.

“It’s extremely disheartening, the idea of them shutting us down.” Said Christopher Pike, a call center employee. “I was here when AT&T came strutting through, and tried to pick us up. It was horrible, stressful. No one knew what was going to happen. This is almost worse, because they’ve already told us that we’re going to be out of a job if this buyout is approved.”

Jon Legere, CEO of T-Mobile, doesn’t seem too worried about keeping a job within the company if the buy-out happens. Legere, who has only been with T-Mobile for the last couple of years, has become an outspoken president, known for his profanity-laced speeches calling out AT&T and Verizon for their “shady” practices and their old-school mentality.

“I always talked about AT&T, Verizon – I rarely ever talked any [expletive] about Sprint, because I knew this was going to happen eventually. It’s no surprise to me. You can’t be #4 in the game forever without #3 knocking on your door. Well, the door is open now, and it’s about time I take off this magenta shirt and start thinking about how I’m going to look in yellow.”

With T-Mobile inevitably on the route to the end, many customers who recently switched from Sprint were delighted that they would be able to go back.

“I switched over to T-Mobile when my contract with Sprint ran out. Needed to try something new, ya know?” Said Alex Winter, a long time Sprint subscriber. “They don’t have contracts, sure, but they suckered me into buying a phone for $750, and with monthly payments, it’s going to take 2 damn years to pay off, so it’s basically the same thing. I can’t leave them without paying an arm and a leg to get rid of this phone, and their service is terrible. I can’t wait to get back with Sprint.”

As of this writing, there were no definite terms completed for the possible buyout, with representatives for Sprint and T-Mobile refusing to comment.



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