Hottest Summer On Record To Hit By May, Buy Your A/C Units Now

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

Meteorologists are predicting the hottest summer in the history of recorded temperatures, with most of the United States expected to be steadily in the 100+ degree range by the middle of May, with temperatures topping nearly 150 in some areas by August.

“If you don’t have several new, good, working air conditioning units in your home, then I’d go out and buy them immediately,” said meteorologist Joel Simmons, who works for WMUX TV out of Phoenix. “We are already seeing temperatures in the 80s. By next month, you’re going to be melting, and I’m almost being literal.”

As global warming reaches new heights, the weather is expected to stay steadily dry, which will add to the warm feeling.

“Even as temperatures hit over 100 degrees, it’s going to feel even hotter. You do not want to get stuck not having air conditioning, no matter where you live in the country,” said Simmons. “A normal pricing for an air conditioning unit is anywhere from $100 to $300 dollars. You can bet those prices will be triple or more this year.”

Hurricane Escobar, Winter Storm Uteri Will Collide Causing Catastrophic Storm Next Week

Hurricane Escobar, Winter Storm Uteri Will Collide Causing Catastrophic Storm Next Week

The storm coming up from the south will hit Florida and Alabama, and is set to continue moving Northeast all the way to Maine. Bread and milk prices expected to soar dramatically. 

GULF SHORES, Alabama –

Professor and Chief Scientific Meteorologist, Christian Cumulus, of Louisiana State University, as well as scientists at the National Weather Service of Central Florida, have confirmed the “utmost likelihood” of a potentially fierce storm in the Western Hemisphere, very likely the worst in over 500 years.

Cumulus says that the storm will come to fruition when expected Level-4 Hurricane Escobar and its frigid air counterpart, Winter Storm Uteri, are aligned for a massive collision headed straight for Gulf Shores, Alabama and will be affecting all major cities in the surrounding areas, and will possibly continue up through the Northeast, all the way to Maine.

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“This is without a doubt the most aggressive combination of two split-season storms I have not only ever seen in my 35-year career in meteorology, but also that anyone has ever encountered in this field of study,” said Cumulus. “This storm will be absolutely catastrophic, with the high risk of significant loss of property, and possibly life, in all of Gulf, as well as the entire Eastern United States. Please, stock up on water and food, especially bread and milk, and stay safe.”

“Based on all 7 models, we expected the Frankenstein-like storm to crash into state-side sometime early next week. It is with every bit of my professional being that I encourage all citizens to abandon their homes and head North-West,” Said Weather Service researcher Miles Nimbus. “Just thinking of the devastation which is sure to occur worries me immensely, please prepare yourselves. Stock up on bread and milk, and get yourselves out of the path of the storm.”

The National Weather Service of Huntsville, in Alabama, has also released a statement, saying that residents should take the professional’s advice and head North. A conference is being planned for sometime later this week in which strict guidelines will be released to citizens.

“We don’t want anyone to panic, but we don’t want you to know what’s coming,” said Alabama Governor Skip Altostratus. “Please, wait for our instructions, and remain calm. Visit your local stores to stock up on bread and milk, and know that your local government agencies are working hard to prepare everyone for a potential catastrophe.”

TV Meteorologist Murdered After Reporting Weather Incorrectly

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – TV Meteorologist Murdered For Reporting Weather Incorrectly

A weather man who worked for the WAVY-TV station in Huntsville, Alabama, was found dead in his home this past Tuesday afternoon. Craig Poland, 47, worked for the local Virginia news station for over 10 years, but spent most of his career behind the camera.

“He did more behind the camera work than he did as a weather man,” said Bill Hytes, the owner of the station. “Great guy, really nice and personable. We can’t believe that this has happened to him. He was a major part of our weather team, and a beloved member of our news staff.”

The strange tragedy behind Poland’s murder was a note found on the scene of the crime that pointed to Poland’s incorrect on-air weather reporting being the cause of death.

Poland was called asked to report the weather live for one day last week when a fellow co-worker called in sick. During the broadcasting, Poland stated that the weather for last weekend would be bright and sunny. Sadly, the prediction was not correct, and it now appears that a local viewer took the information badly.

“People take their weather very seriously around here,” said Officer Tim Brown. “When I arrived on the scene and saw the body, I knew immediately who he was. I remember seeing him on the air too and, to be honest, I was a little ticked at him because I planned to go fishing after he said we’d have a nice, sunny weekend and I hit nothing but rain. I mean, I didn’t kill him or anything, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that I can relate to someone’s anger – it’s not the first time someone’s plans have been ruined by a TV weatherman not knowing his stuff. Probably the first time anyone has been killed because of it, though.”

Police are remaining quiet on the exact details of the crime, but reporters have learned that the note left at the scene said ‘that will teach you to screw up my weekend, you old weather f—–.’ Police say they have no leads at this time.

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