Ferguson Police Chief Denies Charges Of Racism, Claims ‘White Criminals Don’t Exist’

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Ever since the police shooting of Michael Brown in 2014, Ferguson, Missouri has become the site of heightened racial tensions and brought issues of color and privilege back into the spotlight. But the mostly white police force responsible for the death of the 18-year-old deny that they are racists, or that they have even subtle biases or prejudices. Rather, their explanation for the disproportionate amount of African-Americans being routinely stopped and held under suspicion, is that white criminals simply don’t exist.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said police chief Thomas Jackson. “Of course the force is mostly white. Of course we stop and search only African-Americans. And when an unarmed teen is shot by one of our officers, there’s no chance he’s gonna be white. But that’s not based on prejudice. Why would we search white Americans when we know that they’re not responsible for any crimes?”

Reporters asked Jackson how he could be sure white people weren’t responsible for crimes if they were never investigated.

“Why would we investigate them? That’s exactly what I’m asking! Since we know they don’t do bad things, there’s no reason to do so. It would just inconvenience innocent upstanding citizens.”

Reporters brought high profile examples of white convicts, such as James Holmes, who infamously shot and killed 13 moviegoers in an Aurora, Colorado cinema.

“But of course!” Jackson responded. “Movies aren’t real obviously. They’re there to show us things that we’d never see in real life – that’s why we go watch them. A white shooter in a cinema? Those definitely abound, but only because it never happens in real America.”

At press time, journalists and activists had given up on the police chief, stating that it’s pointless talking racism with someone who believes everything he thinks is true.

Ferguson Protestors Blocking Streets Cause Death Of Young Child

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FERGUSON, Missouri –

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.

Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis

Posted on November 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

In a breaking and developing story, the police officer who shot and killed Michael Brown of Ferguson, Missouri was approached by an angry mob and was shot twice upon exiting a 7-Eleven convenience store early this morning. Wilson is currently listed as in stable condition at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis, and is expected to survive.

A witness on the scene, Gloria Matthews, resident of St. Louis, told members of the Associated Press that she recognized the officer from television as she stood behind Wilson in line.

“Everyone in the store was whispering and pointing, it was really awkward,” Matthews said. “He paid for his items, which just happened to be a donuts, of course, and then I paid for my gas. As I walking out, I heard two loud pops that kinda sounded like firecrackers. I looked over and saw him lying on the ground.”

Other witnesses who were outside the store said they saw a group of caucasian men approaching Wilson as he exited the store. It was reported that the men were shouting obscenities at Wilson, and yelled at him blaming him for destroying their city. One witness, Rodney Kingston, said there was a brief exchange of words as Wilson proclaimed he just wanted to get home to his wife and watch television.

“He yelled back at the guys that he just wanted to get home and finish watching the sixth season of Law & Order: SVU on Netflix like a normal person. It was really weird and scary. The damnedest thing was that the guys who were giving him crap were all white, too.” Kingston said.

After Wilson was shot twice, reportedly once in the leg and once in the arm, he fell to ground, dropping both boxes of donuts. Kingston stated that the suspects who fired the shots ran away and jumped into a dark SUV, and then a flurry of looters “arrived out of nowhere” and scooped up all the donuts, lit fireworks, threw some bricks, and fled the scene just as quickly as they arrived. Kingston said he had never seen anything so bizarre in his life.

“Like four guys came from different directions, it was insane. They grabbed the donuts and they threw a couple of bricks at a nearby store, then they all took off,” said Kingston. “What the hell is the matter with this damn city, anyway?”

The group of men who shot Wilson fled the scene and remain at large. No other customers or witnesses were harmed in the incident.

Bill Cosby On Ferguson Riots: ‘Anything To Get The News Media Off My Ass’

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Bill Cosby has been the butt of many jokes and the talk of the media lately, as allegations of rape and sexual assault have sprung up from several women, including former model Janice Dickinson and Law & Order: SVU actress Michel Hurd.

Despite these horrendous stories overtaking his entire life and ruining a career most people assumed ended in 1992, Cosby has been relatively quiet about the allegations, only speaking once to deny any wrong-doing, and otherwise deflecting comments to his lawyers and agents.

Cosby had a new, planned series put on indefinite hiatus by NBC, a Netflix stand-up special cancelled, and even TV Land stopped showing old episodes of The Cosby Show – because obviously you aren’t allowed to be entertained by him anymore now that you know he’s an (alleged) rapist.

Because he’s prominent and black, Cosby was asked this morning about the horrors of the Ferguson, Missouri riots that are happening in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting verdict.

“Whatever keeps the news media off my ass is fine by me,” said Cosby. “My ass is old and tired, and doesn’t need this kind of abuse. Them Ferguson folks can loot, pillage, plunder, riot, murder – whatever they gotta do to make themselves happy. The longer it goes, the less people will be thinking about me. Instead of a 12-hour exposé on whether or not I raped a bunch of women, CNN can do one on race relations in Missouri. Now please – just let me enjoy my pudding pops in peace.”

If you’re feeling a bout of extreme pity or you have an unbreakable nostalgic urge for sweaters, you can catch Cosby on his national stand-up tour happening now through May, 2015.

Ferguson Company Selling ‘Riot & Looting Kits’ In Wake Of Michael Brown Ruling

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Abe Abrams

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Never let it be said that capitalism doesn’t find a way. A newly formed company, Riot Right, started by a Ferguson businessman after the Michael Brown shooting, is now selling pre-prepared riot and looting kits for the people of Ferguson, Missouri.

“First, let me say that Riot Right is all about quality,” said Willie Willis, owner. “It’s tough all over the world, not just in Ferguson – riots and looting can break out anytime and anywhere, and people need to be prepared. Our basic riot kit has safety in mind, first and foremost. Each one comes with goggles to protect your eyes from pepper spray, gloves and chest protectors for defense against rubber bullets. We feel if you’re going to riot and loot, do it right.”

Willis said that although he doesn’t condone rioting, he does feel that if there is going to be all this flagrant opportunism with looting, he should join in on it – at least from a business perspective.

“People will use any excuse they can to riot and burn and loot the stores of our community. With that in mind, our deluxe kit comes with all the safety equipment as the basic kit, plus offense items, such as crowbars for breaking car windows and store fronts. Don’t be that fool using a rock – that’s ghetto. There are also bottles for making molotov cocktails, although sorry, gas not included. They also come with Kevlar vests, ’cause when the rubber bullets don’t work, you don’t want to be the dead fool out there getting hit with real bullets. Our kits guarantee that you will be able to cause the most trouble and grab the most loot, because if you can’t see or breathe, how you gonna carry a flat screen T.V. outta the store?”

“We were hoping that ‘cooler heads’ would prevail, and the justice system would do its job, but that doesn’t seem to be the case,” said Mike Murray of the Missouri State Police. “So that said, we’ll be working diligently to keep the people safe by arming ourselves to the teeth with every automatic weapon we can get our hands on.”

“The police will work to keep only half the people safe, but I’m thinking about the other half,” said Willis. “Remember to pick up your riot and looting kits at my mobile office – just look for the ’77 Riviera that’s usually parked on 15th street in front of Denny’s.”