Jeb Bush Says He Will Use Remaining Campaign Contributions To Buy Yacht, Sail Around The World

Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

DALLAS, Texas – 

Former presidential candidate Jeb Bush has dropped out of the campaign race this year, after finally coming to the realization that he didn’t have a chance in hell of winning even the part nomination, let alone a seat in the White House.

Bush says that he will use the remaining money in his campaign fund, approximately $4 million, and buy a yacht, with plans to sail around the world.

“Normally I wouldn’t waste campaign money on something so frivolous,” said Bush. “I appreciate every person and company who, for some reason, had the bad foresight to donate to my campaign. Instead of using that money to support another candidate or give back, what I’ve decided is that I need a nice, long cruise around the world on a new yacht. I’ve already picked it out, and I’ve named it Queen Barbara, after my momma.”

Bush says that he plans to set sail in August, with hopes of “missing the end of the election completely.”

Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

BATAVIA, Illinois – Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

Department store employee Edgar Phipps led a quiet life and followed the same routine for years. All that changed last week, though, when he won a state lottery drawing that netted him almost $5 million.

When lottery officials verified Phipps’ identity, though, they say that a disturbing fact came up on his record. According to the Illinois State Lottery Commission, Phipps was a listed on the Illinois state sex offender registry.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that,” said Phipps. “Whoops.”

Phipps says he forgot about the multiple incidents of aggravated sexual contact with minors, technically classifying him as a pedophile. “Oh, yeah those,” said Phipps. “Well, that was me getting screwed by the system. They all said they were legal age, but they lied, so the state blamed me and then I had to go to jail for a few years or whatever, then they made me register when I got out. Thank God I don’t have any neighbors nearby or any schools around. I didn’t have to go door-to-door like those freaks do, introducing themselves to neighbors saying ‘Hi, I’m Ed and I’m on a sex pervert list,’ or anything embarrassing like that.”

Phipps claims he received treatment and counseling for a number of years after “the sex things,” and is fully cured. He received the check from the state lottery commission after it was learned that he had received counseling and did not re-offend.

“So anyway,” recalled Phipps, “I get home with the giant check and that’s when the trouble started. I had tons of emails and phone calls from people I didn’t know who must have Googled my name and found out about the sex things. Talk about invasion of privacy!”

According to Phipps, the emails were just the beginning. Phipps claims several of his windows were shattered, and his roof was damaged. “I guess the branch coming down on the roof wasn’t related to the sex thing, but the rocks through the window were a different story. But then again, we did have a really bad hail storm that day, and there was that F4 tornado…now that I think back on it.”

Empire News asked Phipps the number one question asked of every lottery winner: What do you plan on doing with the money?

“Well,” he answered, “last Christmas I had to cut some friends off my gift list, so I’m going to do a belated Christmas for everyone I missed, dressed up as Santa, of course!” On his list: a tricycle, a Little Suzy Easy Cookie Cake Oven, some stuffed animals, and several popular action figures which he plans on giving his friends.

“I’m the luckiest guy alive,” said Phipps. “I feel like I’m on top of the world!”

Phipps says he plans on quitting his department store job and will devote more time to his favorite hobby, taxidermy.

Man Wins $1 Million On Lottery Scratch Ticket, Spends It All On More Scratch Tickets

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – Man Wins $1 Million On Lottery Scratch Ticket, Spends It All On More Scratch Tickets

A St. Louis man was lucky enough to attain something almost everyone in the world dreams about when last Wednesday he hit the jackpot on a state-sponsored scratch-off ticket. Robert Henry, age 43, won a whopping one million dollars on a scratch off ticket he purchased at a Puff-N-Stop gas station.

“He is obviously a huge gambler with a serious addiction,” said store clerk Charles DeWitt. “He always has been as far as I can tell, since he comes in two, sometimes three times a day to buy scratchers. He’s been doing it for as long as I’ve owned the store, which is about 11 year or so now. I’m not surprised he won big, but I am surprised it took this long.”

Sadly, things seemed to take an immediate turn for the worse, as Henry, despite winning more money in that one moment than he’d ever had in his life, curiously took all the winnings and used the money to buy more scratch tickets.

“We were pretty stocked on scratch tickets here, and when Robert came in and asked for every scratcher we had, I laughed for a good while,” said Joe Perry, a clerk at a St. Louis Cumberland Farms gas station. “It wasn’t until I realized [Mr. Henry] was serious that I sold him the tickets. All-told, he spent about $50,000 alone just in my shop.”

According to Henry’s now soon to be ex-wife, he bounced around from store to store throughout the entire city, until all his winnings were spent. After buying several hundred thousand tickets, Henry’s winnings ended up being approximately $325.

“That’s why I left the dumb sumbitch,” said Charlene Henry, Robert’s wife of 20 years. “I didn’t even know he’d won the million. He didn’t tell me until afterwards. He collected won, drove to the state lottery offices, collected the winnings, and went right back out. I never saw a penny of that money, and neither did he, the stupid-ass.”

“Well, they say hindsight is 20-20,” said Henry from his room at a local addiction clinic. “Next time maybe I’ll save some of that money instead. But hey, it’s winning that counts, right?”


McDonald’s Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son ‘Big Mac’

CLEVELAND, Ohio – McDonald's Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son 'Big Mac'

Carl Powell, 35, is facing a major lawsuit from popular fast food chain McDonald’s after naming his first-born son Big Mac Powell. Powell feels that the lawsuit is ridiculous, and that they should be paying him for the additional publicity that his son’s name will give them.

“It’s crazy man, I’ve never faced anything like this before,” said Powell. “I hate that a big company like that thinks they can just push around someone small like me. I mean their motto is ‘Have It Your Way,’ isn’t it? No, wait, that’s not right is it? That’s Burger King. I eat a lot of fast food so sometimes I mix things up.”

McDonald’s has yet to comment on the lawsuit, but a letter sent to the Powell household by the company expressed that either Powell change his son’s name, or he’d be sued for millions.

Ironically, Powell’s net worth is  just over $4 million dollars, after he won a lawsuit against McDonald’s in the 1990s. The lawsuit against the company occurred because Powell choked on a Big Mac while dining inside of a McDonald’s restaurant, and the entire staff watched him choke, while doing nothing. He lost consciousness, and fell into a coma for weeks.

“When I finally awoke in the hospital bed, a lawyer was standing over my bed asking if I wanted to become a millionaire. It was the happiest moment of my life – well, up until having my baby boy Big Mac. That the reason I named him that, to honor the day I became a millionaire, and because even though one almost killed me, Big Macs are delicious.”

Powell has hired a lawyer to defend his right to name his child whatever he likes.

“This is America, damn it. Where a man can eat a Big Mac, name his son Big Mac, or have sex with a Big Mac, if he chooses. McDonald’s may have given me these millions, but they’re sure as hell going to fight to take them away.”


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