Justin Bieber Says He Is Beginning His Training For Professional MMA Debut

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Pop singer Justin Bieber says that he has secured a team of professional fighters and trainers to work with him on what he says is his “next career move,” a trip to the professional MMA ring.

Bieber, who is best known for making music that most people can’t stand, is in good shape for a 22-year-old, although he has been known to be a heavy drinker and weed smoker.

“I want to get healthier, I want to be leaner, and I want to show the world that I can kick someone’s ass,” said Bieber. “I am working with some of the top fighters in the world, and I will be ready to go by this time next year.”

Bieber’s management team says that they have signed a deal with UFC for him to debut in their cruiserweight division, although at this time, no opponent has been set.

“I really want to fight CM Punk,” said Bieber. “I was a big fan of his before he became a tool and left wrestling, and I really think I can take him.”

Anonymous Source Says Ronda Rousey Was Paid To Take Dive, Lose To Holly Holm

rousey holm

SYDNEY, Australia – 

Former Bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey may have been paid to take a dive during her UFC 193 championship fight, according to anonymous sources.

In a letter that was sent to ESPN offices, a person alleges that he paid millions to have the fight between the two women fixed, saying that he bet big money on Holly Holm, who was at 6-1 odds of losing the bout, and even after an alleged payoff, made $10 million on the fight.

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“I have proof that I fixed the championship fight between Rousey and Holm at UFC 193,” read the letter, delivered from an anonymous gmail email account. “I made a substantial amount of money that night, over $10M. I paid Rousey $4M. She wanted to take time off anyway, and she knew it was a great offer.”

According to UFC officials, the fight was completely on the level, although fans weren’t so sure.

“Rousey fought like shit, like there was no way she was going to win, no matter how hard she tried,” said a UFC fan. “Holm? Who the hell is she anyway? It’s crazy that she was able to win against a woman whose last 10 fights had a combined time of one minute. I definitely think there was a fix.”

Representatives for the UFC organization say they are “looking into” the allegations.

Ronda Rousey, Floyd Mayweather To Fight In Exhibition Match In 2016

rousey mayweather

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

A joint announcement between the UFC and the World Boxing Association was made this morning, detailing an event to be held next March that will put Floyd “Money” Mayweather in the ring against Ronda Rousey.

“This is a dream match-up, that many internet sports fans have wanted to see,” said George Glass, a WBA representative, live during the ESPN-aired announcement. “Mayweather is known mostly for beating women, and Rousey is known for fighting like a man, so this is going to be a must-watch pay-per-view.”

The event, which is scheduled to take place in March, 2016, at the Luxor Casino in Las Vegas, is still having its details ironed out by officials. The Mayweather camp naturally wants the fight to be boxing rules, while the Rousey camp thinks it should be more along the lines of UFC rules.

Many fans have argued over the last several months about who would win in a fight between the two champions, and fight promoters say that they are hoping this contest puts an end to the speculation.

“The worst thing that could happen is that the fight is a draw,” said Glass. “I don’t know for sure who I’d place my money on, but the one thing I know, is that I’ll certainly be shelling out the $125.99 to watch the fight on Pay-Per-View.

Mayweather is set to take home a purse of $4 million for the fight. Rousey, being a woman, will naturally only take home $2 million.

 

Ronda Rousey To Fight Two Competitors At Once In Epic Bout

Ronda Rousey To Fight Two Competitors At Once In Epic Bout

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

On of the most dominate fighters to ever enter the octagon is making history with her next fight. Ronda Rousey has had fans of the UFC on the edge of their seats ever since see joined the league. Her power, submissions, and quick wins have put her on a level that makes her almost unstoppable to any of her opponents.

The only concern from the UFC is that people may stop watching her fights seeing how see continues to rain supreme. They fear that if she continues on this pace, people may not want to buy her fights on Pay-Per-View when they can easily be watched on social media sites the next day because they are so short.

UFC has announced today that in the next bout with Rousey, she will be taking on two female opponents to be named at a later date.

Dana White has confirmed this, and told us they would have never even thought of such a crazy thing until it was brought up by Rousey after her most recent win.

“She came to me after her most recent win and said ‘you’re going to have to put two fighters in the ring if you want to see a longer fight.’ I laughed and told her that she shouldn’t get to cocky, she then told me she wasn’t kidding and told me to set it up,” said White

The date for the fight has yet to be confirmed and as of now, no fighters have agreed to take part in it.

 

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More ‘Badass’

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More 'Badass'

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

In response to confirmed drug use among some of their biggest stars, the UFC has reportedly encouraged its fighters to get arrested in an attempt to bring back some of their now-doubted “badassery”. The organization is primarily concerned about kids getting badly influenced.

“With the whole steroids debacle, young fans might begin to get cynical, thinking that the image of our fighters is fake,” said UFC CEO, Lorenzo Fertitta. “If we don’t do something, they’re gonna believe that true badass fighters don’t exist, and that they’re really just regular people on ‘roids. We owe it to those kids to prove that our fighters really are as hardcore as they look.”

Peta Samuels, chairperson of Parents Against Pussy Kids (PAPK), promised to put pressure on the UFC to follow through with their promises.

“MMA is one of our core activities,” she wrote in an open letter. “Now that these drug charges have come to light, the entire foundation on which our activism is based has been compromised. Usually we would keep quiet about the internal affairs of other enterprises, but it’s our children who are at stake. We need them to know that there are true badasses out there, that their heroes are not all pussies.”

Child psychologist, Luther Brown, agreed. “The current era is a difficult one for kids to grow up in. With corporal punishment on the way out, increased activism against gun laws, and a no tolerance policy towards bullying, they have very few role models who can teach them what we learned naturally from our own parents’ example. Professional fighters are all that is left.”

There is, however, a significant minority against the news. An anonymous member of Pussy Parents Against Aggressive Kids (PPAAK) leaked information to the press that the group planned to continue its fight against badassery. They are expected to hand out flyers in zones assigned to them by authorities, politely asking that UFC fighters rather set the example of being nice, family-oriented people, who their little pussies can look up to.

UFC Fighter Connor McGregor Plans to Melt Down Featherweight Belt Into Pot of Gold

UFC Fighter Connor McGregor Plans to Melt Down Featherweight Belt Into Pot of Gold

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Irish No. 1 contender Connor McGregor has stated that he is ready to make the UFC Gold his own in a unique way. At a press conference in Las Vegas, McGregor stated that after he defeated Jose Aldo for the Featherweight title, he would melt down the belt into a pot of gold.

“It will be a glorious day for all of Ireland when the belt is wrapped around my waist,” McGregor boastfully stated. “It will be an even more glorious day when I melt the gold down into a lump of shiny perfection and place it into a black pot. Contenders will have to follow the rainbow to the end, where I’ll be waiting for them.”

McGregor is set to fight Aldo on Memorial Day weekend, as the headliner for a UFC PPV in Las Vegas. Aldo is the only man to have held the Featherweight belt, and has successfully retained the belt nine times. When questioned about the contender’s intentions, UFC President Dana White seemed curiously on-board with the idea.

“The kid is a monumental God damn talent. I can’t wait to see what he does. You’ve got Jose Aldo, who is the best fighter on the planet, and this McGregor kid who is literally the greatest sonofabitchin’ challenger we have ever seen. He’s fearless, and if he can take that belt from Aldo, nobody can stop him from doing what he wants.”

The UFC gold has held distinction over the last decade as one of the most sought-after accomplishments for combat athletes. Until now, no one had ever mentioned an interest in fashioning the gold adornment to his/her own personal liking. That will all change if McGregor is successful.

When reached for questions regarding the challengers intentions, Jose Aldo stared silently into the recording device until the reporter finally walked away.

Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Boxing Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.

“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”

“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”

 

Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

Actor, Author, ex-con, cartoon star, and former heavyweight champion of the world Mike Tyson is getting a comeback title shot next month at the ripe old age of 48. Current champ Wladimir Kitschko is putting his three title belts on the line to fight the aging Tyson in what will be sure to be a major pay-for-view event for fans, as well as a big payday for both fighters.

“I mean who the hell is Wladimir Kits…Kitsco…kitty cats, anyway?” asked Mike Tyson to a room of reporters trying desperately to stifle their laughs. ”I had to Google it, ’cause I had no idea who this chump champ was. Boxing needs me, ain’t nobody have to Google Mike Tyson. I’ve got the most recognizable face in sports, maybe the world, and that was even before the face tattoo. I still got it. Shit, I’m not even training for this one. Just watch. I’ll knock his ass down in one punch.”

Insider reports say that the fight could net Tyson a near $5 million payday, win or lose.

“Yeah, you know, I don’t even wanna fight that bad. It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t care. But I do care about that money, baby,” said Tyson. “I need to make it now, and not piss it all away like last time. That cartoon show money isn’t going to come rolling in forever.” 

”My man Iron Mike is back, and the world of boxing has suffered in his absence,” said legendary boxing promoter Don King. “No one cares about boxing anymore, all you hear about is the mixed martial arts. It’s sad when two men hugging each other on a mat is more popular than boxing. That’s why me and Mike have come out of retirement. Don’t listen to Mike when he says it’s for the money – heck, after my 70% off the top he won’t have much left anyway. This fight, it’s about pride in the sport. Pride in America. It’s about showing age is just a number and you’re never to old to achieve your dreams. And yeah, okay, it’s about the money too.”

 

New Poll Shows 64% Of Men Enjoy Watching Ugly Chicks Getting Punched In The Face

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – New Poll Shows 64 Of Men Enjoy Watching Ugly Chicks Getting Punched In The Face

A new online poll has shown that at least 64% of men enjoy watching ugly chicks getting punched in the face repeatedly. 

The poll is confirmed by the recent upward trend in popularity of women’s mixed martial arts within organizations such as the UFC and Strikeforce.

Research has shown that the uglier the woman, the more men want to see her get punched in the face. Fighters such as Gina Corano score big ratings when they get their faces punched in, but when you pit her with an even uglier Cris Cyborg, the rating go through the roof, as was seen during their 2009 match-up.

But the question is, why do men love seeing ugly chicks getting punched so much?

Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a Sports Psychologist at John F. Kennedy University, says that he may have an answer.

“Come on, Seriously? Who WOULDN’T want to see an ugly chick get punched?” said Dr. Goldsmith. “I mean, you don’t have to be a psychologist to figure that out. Men love violence and they also hate looking at ugly things. When you go out to Taco Bell and there’s a fat chick stuffing her face with chalupas, don’t you want to punch her in her chubby little pig face? I know I do.”

Bellator MMA To Produce Celebrity Fight Tournament Series For SpikeTV

NEWPORT BEACH, California – Bellator MMA To Produce Celebrity Fight Tournament Series For SpikeTV

Bellator MMA, the country’s second-largest mixed martial arts promotion, announced today that they would be putting together a celebrity tournament featuring some major names in Hollywood. They are hoping to use these fights to increase their television ratings, as well as bring more notice to their fighters and promotion as a whole.

Founder Bjorn Rebney started Bellator MMA in 2008 as the Bellator Fighting Championship (Bellator is latin for “warrior”) as a competitor to the uber-popular UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, which has been televising MMA fights since 1993. In the last several years, Bellator has slowly gained almost a cult-following of fans, who closely follow their 8-man tournaments, which are set up as a counter-action to the individual one-off fights presented by the UFC.

Rebney announced the new event from the company’s headquarters in Newport Beach, California.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce the new incarnation of Bellator MMA with our Celebrity Fights Tournament!” Said Rebney during his press conference. “We are very excited to work with our group of stars, to help train them, and get them ring-ready to beat the living hell out of each other.”

The announced celebrities that have already signed on the dotted line for the fights include Academy Award winning actors Matt Damon and Edward Norton, Danny DeVito, cult film director Kevin Smith, pop-star Justin Timberlake, pussy-boy Michael Cera, every woman’s masturbatory fantasy Channing Tatum, and for some bizarre reason, 90s rapper Coolio.

The tournament will take place in mid-January, and will be televised on SpikeTV in the U.S. and CTV in Canada. Bellator’s normal rules will apply, as each celebrity is paired off against another in an 8-man bi-weekly staggered tournament, which will be compromised of three, 5-minute rounds each. The winner will be given $100,000 for his favorite charity and, like any Bellator tournament winner, will be able to challenge current champion Vitaly Minakov of Russia. Minakov has been the Bellator heavyweight champion since November of 2013, and is expected to completely destroy any of the celebrities who may challenge him, especially Danny DeVito.

So far, a few of the celebrities have already been seen in gyms bulking up for their fight, including Edward Norton, who is looking to put back on all the American History X muscle and defeat Cera, who has been selected as his opponent for the first round.

“I know that I can beat him right to the ground. Who hasn’t wanted to punch Michael Cera in the face on more than one occasion? Jesus, did you guys see Year One? He deserves to be beaten into oblivion for making bad movies,” said Norton, apparently forgetting he starred in The Incredible Hulk. 

Bellator MMA is said to already be seeking fighters for their next celebrity tournament, and has reportedly reached out to funny man Seth Rogen, Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston, and Star Wars creator George Lucas. So far, no one else has signed-on officially, but speculation is high that everyone will be on board.

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