11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

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FREEMONT, Nevada – 

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Newly Published Documents Reveal Ted Cruz Is Actually Undocumented Alien From Cuba

Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

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Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.

“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”

According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.

Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.

New Mother Nurses Abandoned Kittens With Her Own Breast Milk

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TORONTO, Ontario, Canada – 

Sharon Carswell says she recently became a surrogate mom to three abandoned kittens. “Mommy just left them there like trash in a cardboard box. So I rescued them. Kitten formula is more expensive than baby formula, and I figured breast is always best, so I tried it, and they seem to like it.”

As her nipples were too large, the kittens were unable to nurse from her breast directly, so according to Carswell, she fed them her breast milk with an eye-dropper. Because her new baby, Killian, and the kitties were nurse mates, she says they now share a unique bond.

“There’s a real bond between my baby and the cats. Seeing them playing with balls of yarn or gumming on sardines together is the most precious thing,” Carswell says, although she does admit that reactions have been mixed. “Some people are grossed out and shocked, others are in awe and proud. I am saving kittens with my breastmilk, and it’s amazing.”

Woman Arrested After Spanking Her 28-Year-Old Daughter Over Her Parenting Techniques

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Karen Stillwell, 52, was arrested after spanking her 28-year-old daughter, Renee Stillwell who allergy spanked her two year old unjustly. Karen Stillwell told local news, “She spanked that precious little baby, so I gave her a little slap on the behind to show her how it feels.”

Renee had a neighbor photograph pictures of the handprint on her behind and then called the police. “It wasn’t a little spanking. She tackled me to the ground and whacked me repeatedly,” said Renee Stillwell. “I’m not going to take that kind of abuse, especially not from my psycho mother. She hit me enough growing up. The only person who gets to hit me like that is my husband, but really, only if he’s a good boy and I don’t have a headache.”

When asked if she spanked her daughter as a child, Stillwell said she did, but only with good reason. “She was a willful little brat, always trying to get into my candy stash and her dad’s potato sticks. She deserved it. My grandson, that sweet little angel didn’t deserve it. He was just being mouthy, calling his mother a ‘fucking bitch,’ which, sad to say about my own daughter, is entirely true. It’s easy to see it’s a completely different situation.”

Toddler Running With Scissors Accidentally Kills Sister

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TOLEDO, Ohio – 

A 5-year-old boy didn’t listen when he was told not to run with scissors, or perhaps he was never told. Tragically, the young boy was playing with real, non-safety scissors when accidentally fell into his sister, stabbing her in the face. She bled to death before being discovered later the same day in her toy box.

The mother, Karen Jones, 40, was reportedly heavily intoxicated and lay unconscious in her bedroom before police were finally called by neighbors about the little boy’s incessant screaming.

The neighbor who called police says, “In this neighborhood I’m surprised they didn’t find her with a needle in her arm. Sadly, it isn’t a surprise about that little girl. Kids running with scissors is deadly. More kids are dying from it every day. My little cousin was running with scissors, wasn’t looking, ran right into oncoming traffic.”

Authorities say the little boy will stay with family for now, while the district attorney decides how best to proceed.

Mother Shocked To Find Child’s Pillow Pet Stuffed With Heroin

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CLEVELAND, Ohio – 

A Cleveland mother, Sandy Cofax, said she was shocked to discover that her son’s prized toy, a stuffed animal that he lovingly calls Pillow Bear, was stuffed with over 2 pounds of heroin. The manufacturer, Pillow Pets, says that they definitely do not stuff their products with street drugs.

“I couldn’t believe it even when I saw it,” said Cofax. “I noticed Pillow Bear had a rip in him, and so I figured I’d stitch him up. But, he was getting a little limp, so I thought I’d throw some more stuffing in him as well. That’s when I got the shock of my life.”

Cofax says she immediately called the local police, as well as the Pillow Pets company.

“We have determined, in working with local police, that the pillow in question was not purchased new, and as such, we cannot control what others may have put inside our pets,” said company spokesman Stephen Slothe. “We have many, many children who go to sleep cuddling their Pillow Pets every night, and we can honestly say that less than 1% of them are probably stuffed with hard drugs.”

Police say that they have confiscated the drugs and Pillow Bear, but that they plan to return the animal once the investigation has concluded.

Mother Arrested For Burning Her 4-Year-Old Child Alive; Claims Toddler Was A Witch

BRIGHTON, Delaware – 

A Delaware mother was arrested and charged with first-degree murder after allegedly tying her 4-year-old child to a stake in their back yard and burning her alive. The mother, Amber Stone, says that she needed to perform the burning because her toddler was showing “witch-like” powers.

“When Julie was a baby, everything was normal, but in the last couple months, she’d been displaying horrible, witch-like attributes,” said Stone in a police interview. “She would cry all the time, and whine. Often times, when she didn’t get her way, things would happen in the house, like a light bulb would burn out or the dog would bark uncontrollably. It was very frightening.”

Stone says that she initially consulted a priest in hopes of getting an exorcism, but she was denied because she was Jewish. In the end, she said her online research led her to believe that her daughter was actually a witch.

“I didn’t believe it at first, but there were entire forums dedicated to it, and Julie was definitely a witch, or was going to become one soon,” said Stone. “I asked users on Reddit what they thought I should do, and they said the only way to free her soul was to burn her alive at the stake, so that’s what I did.”

Police reports indicate that Stone built a small fire pit in her back yard with a long pole in the middle. She reportedly tied up her daughter, wrapped her in a blanket, and doused her with lighter fluid. Police were called when neighbors complained of a “horrific odor” emanating from the Stone’s house.

Amber Stone faces the death penalty for her crime. Lawyers for the defendant say that she has “no chance in Hell” of being found not guilty, and that they barely plan to try and defend her.

Mom Claims Her Teenage Daughter Was Impregnated By Flu Shot

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – 

A teenage girl has reportedly gotten pregnant after receiving a routine flu shot at a local pharmacy, according to the teen’s mom, Roxanne Myers.

Myers claims that her virgin, 16-year-old daughter, Rebecca, was impregnated after receiving her yearly flu shot a the family’s local CVS pharmacy.

“Rebecca is a sweet, innocent girl who has never even had a boyfriend,” said Myers, 44. “I asked her if she had ever had sex, and she said no, so the only possible explanation is that she got pregnant from the flu shot we got at the CVS.”

Doctors have tried explaining to Myers that her daughter could not possibly have gotten pregnant from the flu shot, and that there is probably a more “rational” explanation for her pregnancy.

“I told them that Rebecca was a virgin, but they didn’t believe me,” said Myers. “I know that the flu can’t get you pregnant, but what I think happened is that some young, horny stockboy at the CVS probably masturbated into the vaccine, or maybe onto the needles, I don’t know where. But regardless, his semen got my Becky pregnant, and I’m going to sue!”

Rebecca Myers, wisely, had no comment on the circumstances regarding her pregnancy.

Mother Who ‘Prayed the Gay Away’ Severely Regrets the Loss of Her Son’s Fabulousness

Mother Who 'Prayed the Gay Away' Severely Regrets the Loss of Her Son's Fabulousness

BOSTON, New York –

Area mom Joanne Silverstam, who recently succeeded at ‘praying the gay away’ in her 16-year-old son, says her only regret is the loss of his absolute fabulousness. The Jewish parent believes wholeheartedly that the drastic measure was necessary for Johnny to fit in with the community, and not to bring shame on the family. However, he no longer has the gorgeous fashion sense and flamboyant personality which she acknowledges made him her favorite child.

“Johnny is a sweet boy, and will remain that way. But he’s lost that… pizazz, if you will, which made him special,” lamented the mother of five. “I love his siblings, but none of them could make me laugh with those outrageously bitchy remarks which used to come naturally to him. Now I have no one to tell me when I’m making a fashion faux-pas, or that I need a pedicure.”

Religious leader Rabbi Greenstein praised the mother’s determination, saying, “It’s hard for a parent to see such dramatic changes in her child. But when he grows up to be a good husband, a career-oriented man who supports his family with a respectable, menschedik job, she’ll realize it was all for the good, and forget about his former ostentatious self.”

The newly-heterosexual boy’s best friend, Molly Halpern, agreed with the mother’s sentiment.

“I don’t know what will happen to our friendship now. It was based on a shared love of eye-catching hair-dos, shamelessly gaudy outfits, and fabulous skin. The new Johnny – with that deteriorating complexion and those clunky formal shoes – is almost a stranger to me. Plus, I see the way he checks out my boobs now. It’s just weird.”

Johnny himself expressed no such regrets. “I’m on my way now to becoming an accountant, just like my family wanted,” he said, in a gruff monotone nothing like his previously lilting, sing-song voice. “I’ve given up the gratuitous activities I used to waste my time on, like dancing and theater. I need to focus on the straight-and-narrow lifestyle now, and forget about how drab these khaki pants are I just bought.

2-Year-Old Who Shot Mother In Walmart To Be Tried For Crime As An Adult

HAYDEN, Idaho – toddler shooting

Police and local investigators say that the 2-year-old toddler that fired a gun in an Idaho Walmart store, killing his mother, will be tried as an adult.

On December 30th, police say that a young mother, who was shopping with her children, was killed when her 2-year-old son reached into her purse, and discharged a small-caliber pistol that she had concealed inside. In what police originally considered a tragic accident, the woman died before paramedics could arrive.

Upon further investigation into the shooting, police have decided to arrest the 2-year-old and charge him with first-degree murder, a capital offense in Idaho.

“We strongly believe that this child knew precisely what he was doing when he reached into his mother’s purse and fired that weapon,” said Deputy Chief Joseph Goldsmith. “At this time we will not being discussing what evidence has mounted to lead us to this decision, as a trial will be pending.”

“It’s just awful that this is happening,” said Shaniqu’a Brooks, an employee at the Walmart who witnessed the events. “I saw the entire thing happen, and after she fell to the floor, her son – well, let me just say that the look on his face scared the Hell out of me.”

“If only the woman had not been carrying a concealed weapon, then this never would have happened,” said liberal talk-radio host Gerry Jones. “Only a damn fool carries a loaded weapon into a store, around children and other customers. Was there no safety on her gun? She was quoted as being a ‘responsible gun owner,’ but did she think that in an Idaho Walmart in the middle of the day she might need to shoot someone? Moreover, had her son ever touched it before? Fired it? Is this his first time killing? There are so many questions that need answers. I just hope that during the trial, we see the truth come out.”

Currently, the toddler is being held in an Idaho maximum security facility without bail, but there is reportedly a wonderful playroom with toys and cartoons. A trial date has not yet been set.

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