DECATUR, Alabama –
Jennie Clarke just turned 9-year-old on October 19th, and she’s one of the happiest girls you’ll ever meet. She loves to sing, talk to her friends on the phone, and listen to music like any other normal 9-year-old. The only thing about Jennie that’s different, though, is that she was born without any facial features at all; Jennie is all mouth.
“It was startling, to say the least, when she was born. I mean, all she had was this giant gaping mouth in her face,” said Jennie’s mother, Rhonda Clarke. “Over time though, we got used to it. People stare sometimes, and they gawk at her in public. Thankfully Jennie can’t tell though, since she has no eyes. She’s just the happiest girl.”
Doctors have reportedly never been able to determine Jennie’s exact medical condition, but Rhonda Clarke says that she’s not really interested anymore in figuring out why, she just wants Jennie to be able to live the best, most full life possible.
“She’s perfect in every other way,” said Rhonda. “Totally healthy, no issues. She eats, sleeps, plays, and everything just like every other girl her age, she’s just a little more special. We’re very, very blessed to have to wake up to her face every day. Family really is the most important thing there is.”
DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –
Katie Brown, a stupid bitch who posted a picture of her dog with his mouth duct taped shut, along with the caption “This is what happens when you don’t shut up!!!” was arrested by police after the photo went viral, being shared on Facebook over a quarter of a million times, and prompting thousands of calls to local Daytona Beach police.
“We investigated, and despite her claims that she only taped the dog’s mouth for ’60 seconds’ or some such bullshit, we decided that we hated her, and that swift justice is the best justice,” said an anonymous policeman on the Daytona force. “So we snagged her up, hog-tied her, and wrapped a full roll of duct tape around her dumb, animal abusing, cunt mouth.”
Upon hearing that police had gotten involved, the internet immediately forgot how much they normally hate cops, and gave them much praise.
“I am so glad that our boys in blue took it upon themselves to treat this disgusting, haggard-looking bitch a lesson,” said Facebook user Jerome Myers. “There are certain things you don’t do in this world, and that’s hurt an animal. That poor dog deserves better, and I hope that any and all animals have been removed from that wrinkled twat’s home.”
Most people readily agree that any and all punishment that Katie Brown receives will be, frankly, not enough.