Patrick Swayze Turns In His Grave After First Reviews of ‘Point Break’ Remake Hit The Web

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Patrick Swayze made a name for himself in the 80s and 90s, starring in feature films like Road House and Ghost, but one of his most iconic rolls was in the heist/action film Point Break, co-starring Keanu Reeves, that was released in 1991. The actor has since passed on, but as reviews of the Point Break remake have begun hitting the web, reports have indicated that Swayze is, indeed, rolling in his grave.

“I saw the trailer for the new Point Break, and I have to say, it looks pretty damn awful,” said film reviewer Charles Junior. “I watched it and said, ‘Oh man, Patrick probably rolling over in his grave right now,’ and as it turns out, he really is.”

Swayze’s headstone has reportedly fallen over multiple times, and groundskeepers at the cemetery say that they know it’s because he’s in there, going out of his mind.

“I keep picking it back up, but then it falls back over,” said one cemetery worker. “Problem is that damn Point Break remake. Making that poor man turn over and over in his grave. It’s sad. They should just pull it from release before it causes Mr. Swayze to get no eternal rest.”

Keanu Reeves, Swayze’s co-star in the original film, is still alive, but yet had no comment on the half-assed remake. Point Break is scheduled to hit theatres on Christmas day for some reason.

Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”

NBC Announces Plans To Release ‘Friends: The Movie’

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

NBC, the company behind one of the biggest sitcoms of all time, has announced that they have signed the entire original cast of Friends to a major motion picture deal.

“For some reason, people just will not let this show die the death it so rightfully deserves,” said NBC Chairman Dennis Belding. “Even after a ten-year run, and then being off the air another ten years, the fans cannot get enough of Joey, Chandler, and whatever the other characters names were.”

Belding says that the slew of fan-made trailers for a film, some of them coming out better than actual Hollywood trailers, that have popped up on YouTube over the years, were one of the biggest reasons they knew that people were still clamoring for more Friends.

“Thankfully, since most of the original cast, with the exception of Jennifer Aniston, have been stuck in TV-hell on horrible shows ever since Friends ended, it wasn’t too hard to get them to sign on, even without a script. We’re still working out the details of the plot, but the show was on for ten years, and was horrible the entire time, so it really doesn’t matter. People will see any movie based on TV shows. Just look at Sex and the City.”

“I’m so excited to get back together with everyone,” said Courtney Cox, one of the former stars of Friends. “The fans, they just wouldn’t let us die. Well, the fans and Entertainment Weekly. I swear, that magazine has had more cover-stories and multi-page articles about Friends since the show ended than they ever did when we were on. It’s kind of creepy, actually. Like an uncle who pats you on the bum, but then the hand just lingers, you know?”

Insider reports indicate that the movie is being made for a fraction of the cost of the original series, thanks mostly to all of the cast losing their star-power since the show ended.

“When the show was on, the cast members were all making over a million dollars per episode, each” said Belding. “Thankfully, no one cares about David Schwimmer anymore, and we’re giving him the paycheck to prove it. God knows why they ever did care about David Schwimmer. Anyway, they’re all working for peanuts this time around. Well, except for Jennifer Aniston, of course.”

NBC Plans ‘Big Bang Theory’ Feature Film

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

NBC, the company behind the hit TV series The Big Bang Theory, has announced they have begun negotiations with the cast of the show to star in a big-budget, theatrically-released film the company has been planning.

“Somehow, unbeknownst to us, The Big Bang Theory has really captured audiences, and continues to always pull in great viewer numbers,” said NBC CEO Mark Rutherford. “We have yet to figure out how such a God awful piece of shit show like Big Bang actually works, but it does, and we’re definitely going to cash in.”

The Big Bang Theory, which centers around a group of nerds and who make lame jokes about stupid, pseudo-science, is mostly unwatchable for people with actual taste, but appears to do well in the 18-25 age group, especially when you tie in the 18-25 year-olds who also smoke marijuana.

“We’ve placed the show in a prime time slot, not just for TV, but prime time for stoners,” said Rutherford. “We want these people to watch this crap, with its annoying laugh track and piss-poor comedy writing, because they’re bringing in the ratings. And ratings equal money. The more ratings, the more money, and the more money we’ll sink into crap like this in the future.”

Crap for the future is what NBC is banking on by creating what they say is a first in a “long line” of planned sitcoms turned into films.

“We cannot wait to finalized this deal with the Big Bang cast, and no doubt they will be excited to be the first from our NBC family to make the leap to the big screen,” said Rutherford. “There will be others that follow, assuming this piece of shit movie gets off the ground and makes the kind of money that this piece of shit show has.”

Robert Englund Signs On To Reprise Role as Freddy In ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’ Reboot

Posted on August 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The internet has been abuzz this week with news of New Line Cinema’s reboot of the famous Nightmare on Elm Street series, but one common thread among fans was that they desperately wanted to see horror icon Robert Englund return to reprise the role. According to reports coming directly from New Line Cinema, there is reason for fans to rejoice. Englund has reportedly signed on for a 3-picture deal to return to the silver screen as Freddy Krueger.

“We are so glad that Robert will be back to play Freddy,” said New Line CEO Bob Whomever. “In 2010, we made a new Nightmare film starring someone…I don’t even remember who, but the gist is, fans hated it. They hated him, and they wanted Robert back behind the makeup. Thankfully, that’s not even necessary anymore, as Robert is pushing 80 or whatever, and frankly, he looks just like Kruger did even without the makeup. It’s going to be great.”

Fans have already been rabidly posting to social media websites to show their support for New Line’s wise decision in bringing back their star.

“Frankly, I was pretty well bullshit when I saw that they were rebooting the series again,” said horror fan Ricky Shore. “I mean, the remake sucked, and it is best left forgotten. Technically speaking, even the original isn’t that great, but I have fond memories of it, and I don’t need it to be ruined by Hollywood. They’ve fucked up enough of my childhood, thank you very much.”

In a year filled with sequels, reboots, re-hashings, spin-offs, prequels, and TV shows turned cinema staples, it’s no wonder that New Line is cashing in on the only franchise to over make them real studio money.

“We are so excited to get underway with this project,” said Whomever. “We don’t have a script or a story idea or any of that, but it really doesn’t matter. Wes [Craven] isn’t coming back anyway, and he was the real voice of this series, so we’re just going to pump out some shit, and we know you’ll go see it, and we thank you in advance for it.”

“Frankly, I’m just glad to be doing a film that won’t go straight to DVD,” said Englund, 68. “Its been really hard for me to shake my legacy, to ditch that Freddy character. I’ve done hundreds of films, and they’ve all been pretty well useless, except for this series. Thank God for Nightmare, really. It’s kept me feeling important and useful for all these years, and the fans are just perfect. Here’s hoping that we don’t fuck this up, but if we do, blame New Line. It was there stupid idea in the first place.”

Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming ‘Deadpool,’ Destroys Car With Bare Hands

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VANCOUVER, BC, Canada –

Movie star Ryan Reynolds was hit by a car in an apparent hit-and-run while filming on location in Vancouver, Canada for his new movie Deadpool. The star, whose film credits include The Proposal and The Green Lantern, reportedly was struck and knocked down while on a downtown street in Vancouver.

According to witnesses on the scene, several people rushed to help Reynolds, but he sprung to his feet and chased after the car, leaping over other vehicles, a fence, and by hanging onto the back of a city bus. He caught up with the car only 14 blocks from where he was struck.

“Basically, when I finally caught up the car, I yanked the driver out of his seat, and immediately went to work at kicking his ass,” said Reynolds. “Not the guy, mind you. The car. It was this stupid, ugly, yellow Prius, and honestly, it just pissed me off so much. I beat that car’s ass with my bare hands.”

The car was left nearly totaled, after the actor, who reportedly put on over 20 pounds of pure muscle to play the dark, smartass anti-hero in his new film, punched and kicked out the windows, lights, windshield, and ripped off each door.

“The guy just kind of stared at me as it happened, but you know, he deserved it,” said Reynolds. “I found out later that he loved that car more than anything in the world, but you know, if you hit someone, and then you’re too much of a coward to face the music and you try and leave the scene, well – you deserve to have everything you love taken from you. I’ll take it from you. With my bare goddamned hands.”

The driver refused to press charges on Reynolds for destroying his property. Reynolds says that the man has ‘suffered enough,’ and will not be pressing charges, either.

Deadpool is scheduled for release in 2016, with fans clamoring for the Marvel character to make his R-rated debut on the big screen. Reynolds previously played the character – sort of – in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood was all a buzz yesterday with the announcement that singers and friends Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga have signed a deal for an upcoming motion picture. The film Crooner And Legs will be a buddy cop movie, and filming will begin in late spring.

“I’m very excited, I love buddy cop movies,” said Tony Bennett, 88. ”I can’t give too much away about the script but I play a Detective one week away from retirement, trying to solve one last big case. It’s going to be great working with Gaga, she’s a great friend and a great talent. Whenever I work with Gaga, I feel 70 years younger. She’s truly a special person.”

“Tony and I are like soul mates,” said Lady Gaga, age 29. ”In the movie I play an ex-Rockette turned cop. Except for the special effects, stunt doubles, and shoot outs, the movie will be like real life, Tony and I singing to each other. This movie will be magical. Tony at the end of a long successful career and me at the start of one.

”The script was written for Kanye West and Paul McCarthy,” said Ira Goldstein, Executive Producer. “Kanye was insisting on an Oscar before he signed a contract. I tried explaining to him that’s not how it works, but he called me a racist and backed out of the deal. I’m happy we were able to Tony and Gaga, their on screen chemistry will make this movie a hit.”

“ He’s old as all hell and half the time I’m not sure she’s even a woman,” said film critic Carmine Classi. ”This movie has train wreck written all over it.”

Will Ferrell, Tina Fey To Star In Sequel To ‘The Notebook’

Posted on January 26, 2015 by DesireeAmber

HOLLYWOOD, California –

After years of anticipation, fans of Nicolas Sparks will be excited to hear the Notebook 2 novel will be released on Valentine’s Day of this year. Coming as no surprise to anyone, the no-doubt tear-jerker of a book already has a film deal inked in Hollywood, and New Line Cinema has announced they have signed actors Will Ferrell and actress Tina Fey to the project.

“We felt that these two marvelous, amazing, superb actors could use a more serious project to add to their colorful resumes, adding just a touch of romance into their portfolio,” said New Line CEO Hal Goldbrook. “We, too, had heard the rumors of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being signed to this film, hoping to reunite the once power couple – at least on screen – but the signing of Ferrell and Fey is one to look forward to, we can promise you that.”

“I am elated to be starring in this movie. Both myself and Will look forward to a great time romancing each other over an entire summer while filming,” said Fey. “The book, which we got some advanced copies of, is a true Sparks’ masterpiece.” While the popular actress typically works in a comedic atmosphere, this romantic drama is sure to be outstanding, as a source close to the production tells Empire News that with the film’s script and production, it’s shaping up to be far better than the original.

“The story is set to begin with a couple who are in their early 30’s, the coming of adulthood, and indulging in their crazy relationship. It’s going to work really well with Tina and I, for sure. As actors, we can play anything, and pretending to be a young couple, I think it will be very believable. With scenes depicting their children, struggles, and everyday work and home life in the 1960’s,” said Ferrell. “It’s some really deep stuff. I’ve never seen the original, because I don’t really like movies, but from what I hear, it was pretty good. No doubt this will be better. Much better cast this time around.”

“The film is being made by the same Producer, Lynn Harris, and director Nick Cassavetes, to capture the same great chemistry created with the 2004 original release,” said Goldbrook. “The film will be filming this summer, and will hit theatres in time for next Valentine’s Day.”

Two Arrested In Thwarted Attack On Movie Theatre Playing ‘The Interview’

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

Authorities in Duluth, Minnesota have arrested two men in connection with an attempted attack on a movie theatre playing controversial Seth Rogen film The Interview on Christmas day.

The men, whose names have not been released publicly, are thought by police to possibly be terrorists from North Korea, who had plans on detonating explosives during the showing of the film at a small art house movie theatre. According to reports, quick action from a theatre employee ‘saved the day.’

“A theatre usher, whose job it was to tear the tickets of patrons going in to see the films, thwarted what could have been a real disaster,” said Duluth police chief Joe Goldsmith. “His dedication to his job, and to performing his duties, has saved lives today.”

“It wasn’t really that big of a deal,” said Adam Scott, theatre usher. “These two guys came in to see The Interview, and they were carrying bags from the grocery store across the street. We don’t allow outside food into the theatre, so I told them they’d have to go leave it in their car, just like I’ve told hundreds of other people in the 2 years I’ve worked here.”

According to Chief Goldsmith, the two men were actually carrying homemade explosives in the bags, with plans to destroy the theatre during the show.

“The two men became very agitated when I told them that they couldn’t bring the bags into the theatre, because as I tried explaining, we don’t allow food that isn’t bought at our concession stand into the auditoriums. They didn’t seem to understand what I was saying at all, and I didn’t understand them, either,” explained Scott. “They ended up storming out of the building. It’s actually not that uncommon to have people get mad when you tell them ‘no outside food or drink.'”

Goldsmith says the two men were arrested shortly afterwards, when a police officer noticed the explosives in the backseat of their car during a routine traffic stop. “They ran a red light leaving the movie theatre plaza,” said Goldsmith. “It was all over for them very quickly, despite their intentions.”

“I kind of feel bad for them,” said Scott. “Obviously, these guys were total morons. I can’t believe North Korea is even considered a threat at all if these are the kinds of ‘genius’ minds they’ve got over there. They were the only two people who’d bought tickets to the film all day. I think most people who want to see it will watch from home. Hell, I can see it for free at my work, and I still just illegally downloaded it. It’s almost kind of ironic to try to blow up a movie that’s going to be such a huge bomb on its own.”

The Interview is now showing at select theatres throughout the U.S. The film is also available for purchase On-Demand via YouTube, Google Play, XBox One, or for free through your favorite movie pirating website.

Woman Accidentally Bites Boyfriend’s Penis Off In Movie Theater

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

Woman Accidently Bites Boyfriends Penis Off In Movie Theater — The exterior of the General Cinema theater in Indianapolis, where a man recently had his penis accidentally bitten off

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In a wildly bizarre freak accident in an Indianapolis General Cinema movie theater, a man has found himself without a penis. Juanita Hatfield, 21, accidentally bit off her boyfriends penis during a showing of the film Penguins of Madagascar.

The man, 48-year-old Lester Drubbins of Nobelsville, Indiana, was rushed to St. Vincent Indianapolis Hospital by EMS, and remains in critical but stable condition.

Chauncey Lewis and his girlfriend, Monique Johnson, had accompanied Hatfield and Drubbins as part of a double-date, and witnessed the accident.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t get his screams out of my head,” said Lewis, 43. “We were fooling around, you know, and they were fooling around, too. You know how couples do things when they go out to the movies. Anyway, next thing I know, Les jumps up screaming, and he’s holding his private area. It was then I noticed Juanita spit something out into her hand and then she began screaming, too, when she realized what had happened.”

Lewis also said the two had been fighting before they all went out to the movies, but had made up.

“It crossed my mind that she might have done it on purpose, but that is probably just because I was in shock. They made up and were kissing and fondling before we ever went in. I even joked to Les about dating a woman so much younger than he was. I said ‘Keep messing with these young chicks and your dick’s gonna fall off!’ So coincidental that it really happened about an hour later. Poor fella.”

When emergency personnel questioned Hatfield about the incident, she explained there was a really loud noise in the movie and it scared her, causing an involuntary reaction of biting down as hard as she could on Drubbins’ penis.

Doctors unsuccessfully attempted to re-attach the penis. Despite being the only people in the theatre aside from their friends, the couple do face charges of indecent exposure and possibly even corrupting the morals of a child, due to the general nature of the film.